do you remember the movie “Magnolia”?
the sound track was great for me
as cheesy as it sounds
i’ve had this song stuck in my head since i was behind the wheel of a car again last week
driving sideways

pause, for a second.
Breathe.
Yeah.
On… Tuesday?
i went out to Kingston again
met up with a nice Nurse, J
he drove me out into the hills
those thick green rolling hills
we walked through the granite, the wild blueberries, the tall pines
(loving, supporting, shading; not redwoods)
down to the stream
as it snaked its way through
pooled
we ate our food
we took off our clothes
we jumped in the water
and everything washed away
yeah, thanks
thanks for the barefoot in the forest
thanks for the wind in the trees
thanks for the sun!
and hiking and playing and cuddling with someone fun
yeah.
just a little flush on my face…
then drove back into Rhinecliff
waited at the train station
listening to “Apostles of Hustle: Folkloric Feel”
by the time N arrived
it had ended and i changed to “Broken Social Scene: beehives”
we had to do some shopping
i bought Adell’s turkey/portabello sausage
and cooked for us
then we talked
and i was getting really sharp
teeth, nails…
even some tools, i’m sure
prying..
giving advice
asking questions
looking closely
he said
“for this to work you need to not treat me like a project”
i said
‘ that’s why i don’t live with you ‘
yeah
that’s what i do
strange
i give him space
i give him space and space and space
it’s about giving him space
to me
it feels like ignoring him
yet he still thanks me
looks at me and thanks me…
we watched Space Ghost Coast to Coast
as he fell asleep
head on my knee
i made a necklace and two bracelet out of gem stones
… it’d been Years since i’d done so…
went to sleep after one
yet still woke just after seven
so scuttled around the house
sat at the computer
stretched a bit
then went out into the back yard and lay naked in the sun
cobra
autobiography of a yogi
went back in
made plane reservations:
flying into SF august 1st (happy birthday trevis)
returning to NYC on the 11th.
mercury fucking retrograde in Leo
which basically means i will fight with not only Leo but also N
we will not understand eachother
more subtle art of Giving Space
biting tongue..
but, good?
well, going back to the hermitage and the west coast in retrograde
fitting
a good time to pick up stuff left behind
re-visit
move on
yeah.
then changed my flight to florida
so i’m leaving on monday now
to orlando
to meet this Sam guy who’s talked with me on line for three years or so
i don’t even remember when we met
everything: wyrd.
then a week in lauderdale.
in the sun and the sea
and a million silver daddies.
hmmmm
but that took a while to fenagle
still, got it done
and then N and i went out to kingston again
shopping
Michaels and Lowes and Good Will
ugh…
and then Del’s Dairy Cream
juicey 1/2 pound burgers
yeah.
bad icecream
good good good softserve…
then back
finish a few things on the computer
say good-bye to N
and headed south
left at 7:30
a bit of rain
beautiful countryside
as the night came on
so did the city
so the light stayed about the same
i wore my broken glasses to see the street signs…
got back to 79 at 9:45
S, who had my key, didn’t get my call
so i waited for him for 10 minutes or so
then he helped me take stuff upstairs
all the flies were gone!
while i was away
he watched the house
watered the plants…
put up more fly paper
and sprayed them with “meat water”
to attract the flies..
i’ve been thinking of that
Meat Water…
how did he prepare that?
it worked:
no more flies.
still
strong smell of cat piss
OK
ok..
we talked
strange…
he just turned 20
we had sex last week
he was 19
i had sex with a 19 year old!
and it was a lot of fun
gemini
he’s so funny
my Ganapati
so in his head
asking me questions
saying
“you have the most amazing ass… you know that?”
“you really give great head, the best i’ve ever had”
i told him he better be careful
having sex with me at such a young age could ruin him for life.
i showered while we talked
then i had to rush out the door to return the car to A in Williasmburg
her friend gave us both stickers in response to the “If you see something, Say something” campaign here in NYC…
i’ll post about it with pictures later
i took a cab from there back across the bridge to the west side to see my russian friend
who looks like such a big hot top
but he is SO bottom
and huffing on poppers the whole time
it was sad
and dissapointing
we slept, neither came
had to be up at 6am coz he runs a cleaning company
out on the street
early morning
grey sky
grey water
down by the river
look at that water
i stared
transfixed:
back in NYC.
i walked…
last night
in the cab over
i saw my favourite thing from Los Angeles: Robek’s Juice
where was it?
Worth street…
when did it come to NYC?
i couldn’t find it..
i jumped in the train
tired
A to W4 to F to Delancey
to Rivington
to Clinton
79
up 5 flights
tired
sit
what a grey shitty day yesterday was…
on the computer
planning
looking for orlando
looking
trying to respond
i should write…
should write about the Meat Water
that boy…
there’s so much i have to do..
and it was a while
but
whilst on line
a guy called me i hadn’t seen in a year and a half
and then
only in the back of my van [vic]
he came over
we talked, played
he drove me to union square
i got a halal gyro
carrying a tray of tomato plants given to me by the Nurse, J, in Kingston
everyone thought it was pot
i sat in Union Square
and ate
then the phone call
one of my italians
the lawyer
his office
is just down the street
so i went
love the sound he makes when he shoots
his whole body
the city is filled with sex
hot and muggy
i took the train
A to D to 4 to 176
walked to the school
everything was filled with weeds!
i watered and weeded for hours!
then started making a new bed
it started raining
got one wall done
then took the 4 to the D to the A to 42nd street
over to 9th ave
to work on one of my first clients here in the city
a guy i like a lot
great massage
but made me miss yoga
he told me my friend Marcel was in town from Amsterdam!
i left
and ate at Better Burger before my next client
then i realized
i had No idea where this guy was
so i called his number:
it was a hotel in DC!
oh well, sorry.
i went home
wanted to sleep
but there were so many emails
and so many phone calls!
ganapati calls and tells me he’d dreampt about me in a way he’s never drempt before
so many firsts with me, he says
“we had sex… then we were flying.. naked… i never fly in dreams”
‘ i fly all the time ‘
i did sleep
then at 9
i got out of bed
this morning
Gregary called
so i took a cab up to see him
now i’m at union square
posting, finally
a bit about what i do
now i gotta go
back to the square
north west corner
to meet Marcel
blessings

so
when i first started LJ a year and a half ago
i thought it would be a great place to post my Balancing project
not that it’s really a project
but it was my first “on line journal’
—
this guy i’d met asked me to tell him about myself
so i wrote a long piece
and sent it to him
(many of my initial Stories are in there)
and then i didn’t hear back from him.
scared him off, i guess.
a month later
when i got back in touch with him
he told me he’d decided that
even though i was amazing and
like “vast new vistas to explore”
he’d decided that he would go back to his junkie boy friend and watch TV because he didn’t want to have to work at living.
this pushed me over the edge of my teen-age despiration
(well, i was 20 at the time, but it was my saturn square… i was breaking)
i started writing long pieces
doing my best to be honest about myself
in front of all the people i loved and respected.
my family was not included, because we didn’t at that time.
but it was my early days of internetting
so i had a few people on there i’d never met…
and various others i’d met just once or so
it lasted a few months
with people opting out along the way
some discussion
mostly
just me and a few other of the creative types
posting crazy ramblings
(so note the email address: some of the posts aren’t from me i’m only writing from my first intenet address: horsestorideon@hotmail.com — which no longer works)
— i’d meant to upload all of this to my LJ and back-date it
… it’s a year and a half later
and i had only put two up
so i spent some time yesterday and put up about 30 more
up to November 9th, 1998
the link to the first entry, which is like a prelude is here
http://www.livejournal.com/users/waltzingtree/42265.html
then just click the “Next Entry” in the upper left of the page and it’ll take you to it.
there are 130 messages more to process in
— i’ll do my best to putting some more every day
linking back to here for an intro
and with a link to the most recent
the user pic i used is a gif i compiled of five pics taken of me around the time i was writing it
— i don’t have any after i actually got to tucson (which was november 15th, i think)
until mid ’99 when i was living and working in portland.
if i do
they’re in a box somewhere there…
ahh, the pre-digital days…
anyway
just going through these last night sent me… off balance
remembering old friends
(i’m not really friends with any of these people any more…)
ripped through me like lightening
i stayed up really late
and didn’t sleep well
filled with dreams
tumult
but here we are
grey day
(like sunday)
so gotta keep on living
only click into here if you’ve got time and anthropological interest:
it’s an interesting picture of time and kids…
it’s a lot of words.

i got up here pretty early on Friday
and pretty immediately fell asleep on the bed
slept for about three hours, i think.
N was working in the studio
work work.
we then went out
to Woodstock
having just driven about two hours (in the rain)
i was a little burnt out
and didn’t really enjoy woodstock
for some reason
i had the few times before i’d been there
but this time
it just seemed tedious
we headed home
after buying a few art supplies
and eating bad mexican food made by unhappy white girls
on the way back to the house
we drove by Bard Campus
and i saw a kid i had met a few months ago at the More Gardens house.
Jack.. and his beautiful white dog: Birch
i pulled into the parking lot
and chased after him
Birch had been hit by a car in Boston
so they caught a ride over here in a rig the day before to attend a healing gathering called “Earth & Religeon”
which i felt pretty stoked about
that this big thing with all these crazy spiritual people was happening right as i arrived!
but i left N in the car
so after doing a reiki healing session on Birch (with about 7 other people)
i ran back to the car
and drove us home
N went to the studio
i sat at the computer…
around 9pm
i drove back to the campus
because Jack had told me about a fire happening there
so i found them
and sat and listened to stories and songs
wanting to contribute
tell my story
but the more i heard
the more i felt like i didn’t really belong
and then i remembered:
this was “Earth & RELIGEON”
and religeon isn’t really my bag.
still
it was nice
i gave Jack a massage
talked with this woman who was a dancer
she seemed amazing
she told these stories about Elephants
did dances
said that they are magical in so many ways
we don’t know how
but the African Elephents can find water anywhere
dig down with their tusks
and drink with their trunks…
which creates water holes for other animals to drink from!
and when they mate
they do it ceremoniously:
many females gather around to watch the Bull mate the Cow
and the females all blow their horns
making a glorious sound
and then go to sniff her snatch when it’s dripping…
YEAH!
anyway
feeling good
but tired
i went home
nearly 1 am
i went to sleep
…
and woke kinda early
but didn’t do much
what’d i do?
layed around
on the computer?
ate apples
yeah
been eating apples
N went out to pick up the mail
when he got back
we decided to go visit his friends
who own a company that makes “Dirty linens”
bed sheets and boxer shorts covered with Tom o’Findland’s artwork
(no visible cocks- but nice sugestive imagery)
we helped turn pillow cases inside out for an hour or two
having great conversations…
A asked me about what i learned in college
so i told him my life story up-til-now
which is always interesting for me:
people always respond to different things
it felt intense
N and A were good at moving the energy away from things that got too heavy
eventually A needed to crash, though
coz he had a fever
so N and i went to Rhinebeck and walked around town
had two slices of pizza that were pretty good
and came home
then
i FINALLY got to give N a massage
it was a bit over three hours
!
yeah!
funny, though
coz i kept saying things i’d never say to a client
things like “you know: i’m only doing this to cause you pain”
which were jokes and everything
but it was like… preying on his weakness?
sometimes i think i’m a sick fuck….
it’s hard to love.
it’s hard to heal your lovers
much more difficult than some random joe (or john)
but it was a success
then we went out walking
ate at a new resaurant here in Tivoli
and it was… Bad.
Yeah!
we came home
he NEEDED to watch some TV
so he went upstairs
i… Sat at the computer.
went up to sleep with him when i heard the TV turn off and finished what i was doing
it was around 12:30
—-
slept pretty well.
woke up kinda early.
N was still asleep
and he usually wakes up before me.
i made some lemon water
ate some apples
stretched a bit
sat at the computer
it was nearly 11 by the time N came down
i asked him if he wanted to learn some Yoga
and he said “yes”
so i plied him with water
but asked him not to have coffee or food
when he was ready
we went up stairs
and i instructed him for… about a half hour, probablly
taught him Mountain Pose
and Pranayama
then started with the basic Sun Salutation
so much comes up in being an instructor!
wanting to criticise
but constructively…
wanting to give space
yet guidance
let him feel
yet suggeest…
it was a pretty positive session: he was sweating and breathing hard
YEAH!
i also taught him cat-cow
and let him spend some time in upward/downward dog.
i told him to do it everymorning
when he gets back tomorrow
we’ll see if he did.
then he wanted some studio time
so i came down here to sit on the computer…
he got two drawings done
and then we were out the door
to get cash in Red Hook
then eat at a local mexican restaurant actually run by a Mexican woman
and it’s the first good mexican food i’ve had since leaving california!
YEAH!
then he got an iced coffe from the White Rabbit
and we rushed off to make the train.
we did.
the clock in the car was five minutes fast: i corrected it.
then i drove across the river
and just… drove around
in the hills
the farming fields
stopped in at a antique store and bought a silver spoon
(sterling.. he told me the difference between Sterling and Coin…)
then drove up to where Edgewood used to be…
stopped by the Resivoir that supplies NYC
and thanked the water…
it was so beautiful…
then walked through the trees..
it felt SO GOOD to walk in a forest!
i remember, though
as i was approaching it…
The Apprehension
that is a THRILL
that fear
the danger
and walking past that
INTO THE WOODS
enjoying it so much
oh
when you know your desire lies on the other side of fear
GO, dear children: GO
anyway
i walked in the trees
just felt so loved and good and yum.
picked up a rock to use as an incense burner back at 79 clinton…
then drove…
through the rain…
back home.
Tivoli.
fine
munch
little things.
sit at the computer..
very tired
but talked on the phone for a few hours
then headed to bed.
(sometime before midnight, after 11)
—
woke up around 11 am!
guess i slept well
i woke up a few times before
but just fell back into dreaming
GOOD FOR ME
then i scuttled about the house
ate some apples
sat at the computer
stuff happened
day goes by
took a shower
stood Mountain
out in the sun…

alternative to sitting here at the computer… with pictures

i’m up state.
in a small town called
Tivoli
i came up here… Friday.
i’ll be here… for a few more days.
it’s quiet.
i just gave a 3 hour massage to N
then we walked “into town” (down the street)
and got some pricey mediocre food.
it’s alright.
i’m reading books
and enjoying the peace.
yes
a little bit of wind cleans the eyes
like this
Huuuuuuuuuuu

ARGH
i woke at 7 am
my body flocked with flies…
i’m not usually bothered by them this much
but
somehow
they’ve filled up the apartment
leaving little brown dots
even on my computer
they don’t bite (are they?)
just just fly around, crawl on me
woke me up too early
when i first got here
looking through the stuff
i found some Fly Paper
and looked at B
we laughed
“whatever, gross!”
we threw it out.
this morning
at seven a.m.
i went out into the neighborhood
to find some
it didn’t take too long
and i didn’t need the bag
i bough three packages (that’s 15 tubes)
carried them proudly through the streets back home
and immediately set them up in each room of the house
of course
as of yet
they are still naked:
and the flies are on me
(i taste so much better)

UGH!
i stood in line TWO HOURS!!
===(what the advertised: it only took an hour, really)
walked through the brooklyn museum
in front
a beautiful
orange dress
afro
o-eyes-o
Rodin everywhere
by the time i stopped playing games on my MOTO
HELL
here in hell…
behind me
stuipid NOYs
the dumb straight hair
“is that the gates of hell thing their talking about? that big dorr over ther… duhhh, waht’s tha dorr abouut?”
i wanted to smash them
“ughh.. so long, wait so long.. uh. is it worth it”
fucking bschz
i turned and said
‘ it’s just ignorant art… he’s ignorant… ‘
really tempted to flat out say ‘ you shouldn’t waste your time ‘
meaning
” GO THE FUCK AWAY ”
or just run arround baahhhhing like a sheep
” i saw this on the train, look at all these people, i should be here too! ”
on the wall
interview
someone easked him
“is there anger in your work?”
‘ yeah, it’s about 80% anger ‘
“but there humour there too, right?”
‘ people laugh when you fall on your ass…
what’s humour?”
i walked around
my eyes straying over the works
i was snapping pictures with my camera
the gaurds threatened to throw me out if i did it again
occasional cell phone calls gave me the excuse to grab little ones …
jittery art…
reminded me
of my first time in New York City
with Leslie
we found a large piece of wood
coverd in canvass
we bought paint
white-out
duct-tape
cut it
stuck poles through it
scribbled words and images all over it for an hour or so
… left it in SoHo
wondering if it’d sell for millions…
reminded me
of that summer
on the roof top with JP and Eli
the large long rolls ov paper layed out
eli making a tryptic of WOMAN
i made a jittery sketchy messy man in a suit (as i always drew and painted back then)
i must have been channeling Jean Michel
i must have been getting the same demon channel he tuned into
the words
what’d i write?
“my hands can’t hold the shape of reality, i have to crush it and shake it to make it fit my life”
-///////
i imagined a doctrine on the subway today:
– they tell us we have diseases because we are incompatable with their reality construct
they teach us to treat ourselves as victims
instead of empowering our differences
our glitches
our strengths
our magic mutations that give us the perspective and texture on this reality that others lack
fucking mono-culture-monsters
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\-
in a conversation with bridget last night (this morning)-
i feel like i’m sliding back into my terrible teen-age feelings
judgemental of everything
angry
sad
so sad
drowning
struggling
quick-sand!
stupid
i’m fighting it!
but am i supposed to go into it? go through it?
i’ve done that already
and it SUCKS
should i just live with it?
back at Basquiat
i thought about grabbing it
in this city
feeling the pain
Compassion
Empathy
grabbing onto it like a live wire
and riding it like a fucking tidal wave
connect it to sourse
translate it to culture
ARTIST
let it spit out
shit out
make it whole
connect the circle
—
there are far too many things i don’t understand
and i’m losing my gripping…
i’ve been meditating frantically for the last week
i can feel it relaxing me
and the reiki..
i can feel it healing me
i whimper sometimes when i’m doing it
— i’m not doing all that bad
i’m just …
i had a dream when i was up in the country of sleeping with my brother
the bed was metal
i could feel the energy between us
i had to dissapate
i was scared
well, not… but i knew what would happen
and didn’t realy want…
i reached out and touched the bed-post
and the current flowed through me
a thousand times stronger than static electricity
i let my finger lay
course through me
there was a sound
floor board creaking
he got up to check it out
while i lay there in the dark night
thinking what a paranoid freak he could be
: no one was breaking into the house…
but then he came running back down the hall
and just as he got to the door way
the man caught up with him
and beat him to a pulp with an aluminum baseball bat
i staggered
tried to back away
fell off the bed
legs tangled in the blankets
the man loomed over me
with fear and confusion in his eyes
he raised the bat
and started raining it down on me
i woke up terrified and sweating at 4 am
— there’s a lot of fear around
-{“do you feel like a chain-store?”}-
— Alex Graham

i took a train ride with N yesterday
through the heavy gray
up the hudson
i kept mistaking it for a Lake…
a very long lake…
the hills, the water
why not?
do i ever need to go back to california?
(the hot springs…)
the night was reminicing
with beer from belgium in my favourite Duuval glasses
and one of his old friends
then a party at the house… we will be house sitting for the next few weeks…
but i’d made an appointment with a massage client a month ago
and had to catch a ride back down today so i could honor that…
hmm
work only a few days a week
and give myself some rest up there…
hiking
bike riding
resting
… in the summer time.
THANKS!

my favourite wishes were
“i’m glad you’re on the planet”
“i’m glad you’re alive”
“i’m glad you’re in this land of the living with me”
Happy Birthday!
yeah, i talked with lots of people on the phone
and around 2o’clock (when i was born)
the phone rang off the hook for an hour
crazy!
things don’t go as planned
but…
beautiful anyway
now i’m late
for a very…
well
up to the school
gotta go!

i don’t remember most of the morning’s dream
but i do know
i was walking the peir with my mother
a huge blue whale was jumping and swimming along aside us
the sun shone down
everyone was out
people were smiling.
i was working for an…
organization
we were…
killing deamons
we all had specific powers
that allowed us to see or know
we had tools
a book
a knife
had a lot of work to do
at every party we went to
bar
city…
demons everywhere
ah
but in this dreams
so were there whales everywhere.
Yum.
———–
i woke up next to a friend
but i didn’t really wake up
he drank coffee
ate something?
read something?
i sometimes sleep with my eyes open
i remember seeing him in the morning light
sitting in the chair
i slapped the bed beside me
but did not sway him
i …
fell
to sleep
again
[maybe i’ll start writing about what happens during the day again soon]

i’m just a 14 year old blond haired boy
angela is beautiful
with long blond hair
wavey, surrounding her hair
she’s everywhere.
angela has a husband who’s in his forties and fat (and muscular) and get’s fucked by horses
– there’s a close up of the horse cock going up his butt
and then a side view:
they turn into daggers
wooden and ivory
and overlay eachother…
on a piece of paper in the principal’s office
i see
in hot pink and neon green:
“Angela is a Gay Goddess”
how does that work?
all the kids who make all the decisions are freaks
they’re all gay
or something like it…
the establisment notes them as freaks…
Individuals…
but i’m a Noy…
a normal
just a noy kid
try as i might
the school hates anyone who mention their greatest failure
the corporate sponsorship who let them down…
they’re all rebels now
i go to the bars at night
trying to understand
all the straight people play tarot cards like horse-shoes in garbage cans the size of rooms
i walk in and sort through
trying to recover all the secrets
… later
as the boy i am now
i go out naked, but for my saffron skirt, and walk the plaza in the bronx
where i live now
barefoot and crazy on the sand-concrete
the rich women talk amongst themselves
the golden light pours down
bathing the classical buildings of marble and redstone…
——-
i woke
bridget told me she was leaving
i have to catch up with her at the union square farmer’s market
she told me Dani called ( devanand_tree
said he knew Aresh already…
when i called him
(haven’t talked with him since i’ve been here… reasons…)
he tells me he made websites for Aresh
worked for him since he was 15
small
fucking
world
i’ve gotta go.