i woke up at about 5:30
with my Injun friend
the night before
i cooked him and Hypnodaddy dinner
Kitchari, of course
… and salad.
then we retired to the bed
i smoked cigarettes
the first in over a month
it made me feel tired
and odd in my body
what might have been a night of sex magic
turned into conversation
and i got in-depth into my ideas of “love”
and the difficulties of what i perceive of B and A’s relationship
yet the respect i have…
we talked about my freak-out idea about those on the planet that have sold their souls…
he tells me about Harry Hay’s ideas about “subject/object”
— the big problem with western culture is
they turn everything they want to exploit into an object made for the exploitation
be it a glass
or mountain
or nation of people
or wife, children, employees, etc…
as he talked like that
life’s colour drained out
everything was gray
and i wanted to die
then he started talking how the injun’s thought:
the glass was a gift
we give thanks
so glad it holds the water for us
the doll is alive
because we give it life
everything is alive because we respect it’s life
and if we give it enough life
that doll could get up and walk around…
Yes.
everything became palpably happy again.
he said
“but currently the world is a mess… i hope some elightened beings come along soon and clear this all up…”
laying in bed…
i tell him
i’ve always believed i should be that enlightened being who saves the world
(“in an intersteller burst: i’m back to save the universe”)
i tell him
i believe it’s only through love that that can happen
loving someone
perfecting myself for them
with him
they perfecting themselves for me
with me
for themselves…
as i: for myself.
:
we could do more with love together than we could ever alone…
but how can we make that happen?
i really see no good examples of that…
and all my lovers freaked out and ran scared from me
or dissapeared in a drunken sleep every night..
.. i have open hands now
i don’t do that any more…
he… he said that to
“no, i don’t do that anymore”
at that
we went to sleep.
woke at 5:30 or so
and i was struck by either my body keeping me from something
or his body keeping me from it…
so it was cuddling and talking
more story telling
and i drifted back into dreaming
woke around noon
and did yoga
for him to see
than jumped on the train
deciding not to go home and change
just went up to the garden in the bronx to work…
bridget wasn’t there
she didn’t show up til 5:30
and by that time
i had to leave soon to meet my Jewish Friend of the night…
but while i worked in the garden
i listened to Erlend Oye’s DJ Kicks album
Rilo Kiley
some of the new Verve Remixed..
Broken Social Scene
and Apostle of Hustle…
still caught up so much in Feist’s “Intuition”
… my brother called
and asked me if i would officate over his wedding…
is there a way i could become an official clergyman so i could marry him and his fiance?
i said i would look into it…

i am listed on two Escort sites on the internet.
though i have had a hand full of responses
(not really many… probably 10 or 15 in the year or so i’ve had them up there)
i had never met up with a client in that way…
though it has always interested me
the story of the hustler…
i just haven’t ever been able to pull it off…
that being said
i get calls nearly every day
often more than one
from my massage ad
i don’t count that as escorting..
though i am serving
i am in control
and the emphasis is not on sex…
i feel it is
in a way
healing and helping people work out their things
as opposed to them just working themselves further into them.
most of the replies i’ve had to my escort ads have been very “scene” heavy
— a friend of mine hustles from time to time
and he seems to realy enjoy the character acting aspect of it
— i can’t get into it..
“tie me up and tickle me”
“come over and let me fuck you for three hours: be my bitch”
(shrugs)
sometimes i’ll reply to them
and not hear back after whatever it is i write.
more oft than not
i just don’t reply.
…
SO some guy writes me… last week?
one sentance
“i wold like to meet you”
i reply
‘ what do you want?’
“im a jaw and I would like a message and you knew worth I mane”
hmmm
what
exactly
does he mean?
it takes a few days
but eventually i get him on the phone:
he’s a hessidic jew
he tells me he’s uncomfortable with paying for lust
so i ask him if he wants a massage or just sex
he says
“sex– -we’ll see what else happens”
i tell him he doesn’t have to pay me for anything:
of course… i WANT to have sex with him
and if i don’t have to work in a concentraded manner (massage)
he has no reason to pay me.
so we arrange it for tonight.
he left about an hour ago…
of course
he was adorable…
long beautiful payes
long beautiful beard
customarily chubby
thick accent
ideal…
fortunately
bridget didn’t come back to the house tonight
— he was going to take me out to dinner
then a hotel room..
maybe his house?
(his family is upstate for the summer…)
i convince him bridget won’t care even if she does come home…
so he gets us food from a Kosher resaurant not too far from here
and we take it back up stairs…
i’m shy about how messy the apartment is..
wouldn’t be usually…
but hessidic jews have a way of keeping things…
— he just seemed interested…
he looked so cute when he smiled…
we took off our clothes
i put on his tzises
we kissed
— his furr made a perfect line down his belly
broad large shoulders..
hairy..
he said he’d never cum more than once a day
is it possible?
i told him it was!
he said i should make him cum before dinner
and then after!
so i did!
however
i couldn’t just rush through it
i had to kiss him everywhere
rub my beard allover him
uncurl his beard
take off his yamaka
kiss him and kiss him
he told me he loved me
and wanted to hear me say it
so i did
there was lots of rubbing around
yes yes..
he came
we went to eat
matza ball soup, sesame chicken and steak and knish with a frank in the middle!
enough for now
he wanted to see my porn movie
so i put it on
while he wore my pink-robe/dress thing to protect himself from the neighbors seeing…
he said it turned him on
hard again
i sucked his dick, as he suggested
then took him back to my bed.
once again
i got distracted from just making him cum..
i don’t care about just making people cum
i want to taste everything
lick around
rub around
i want to make them feel so happy to be alive…
— he really likes being fucked
he’s never fucked a man
(but he has 5 children…)
(he’s 33)
i tell him i don’t often use condems
and he’s a bit freaked out about that..
he doesn’t know much
but he knows AIDS kills people
though he’s not really sure what it is
he was told you get it from having sex without condoms.
Well, yes.. but..
i start juggling the ideas around
telling him my beliefs about it
while i’m wrapt up in his legs
with my head resting on his thigh
i tell him every interraction with people is risky
i lick his balls for a while
suck his dick
he says he doesn’t want me to get into any trouble
i tell him
sometimes we need to get into trouble to have a full life
he says he doesn’t want me to ever get into any trouble
he says he loves me
and he’s concerned…
he says he doesn’t want me to have any sex with anyone but him
i tell him that would only be possible if he would fuck me and let me fuck him
without condoms
and i would get tested
only then would i agree to being monogamous with him
he says
“what’s monogamous?”
i suck his dick
and lick his legs
chew on his heel
rest my head on his thigh
rubbing his belly
he says
“so, if two men get tested and are clean and have sex with eachother there is no way they can get AIDS, right?”
inside i give a really big sigh.
i start many different ways
i try and explain that there is a difference between HIV and AIDS
i try to explain that it started somewhere…
and my theory is
is started in the guilt and lies and shame of men abusing themselves and their lovers…
he doesn’t understand “abuse”
(and later, when i’m massaging him, i ask him to tell me if i hurt him… he says “but when it hurts it’s good, right? my mother said that’s how you know it’s working: when it hurts”)
i try and explain…
i feel him just worrying him
he asks
“is there any way i could get anything from you?”
i give the answer
‘even a blow job is risky’
and that changes everything.
when he cums
he says “slow slow! it hurts!”
afterwards
he asks me to explain why it feels like he’s dying after he cums…
i try and talk about prana yama
trantra
there is so much to say!
i’m trying to confront him
trying to make him understand there is a spiritual aspect to sex..
the difference of “making love”
but i feel now he’s regretful and scared
he wants to leave
but he has a pain in his arm..
i offer to massage it
and i do
i lay him down
and begin working on him
and only then notice his bulging calves
his stubby finger
wide palms, thick skin.
how his beard flies out from his cheeks
his eyes…
his bull-neck
the massage is very painful for him
but he suffers through it
he breathes like a dragon
i try to understand
i try to fortify
i try to help release…
his eyes are red
he looks like a baby
he’s beautiful
so much is coursing through him
i’m worried about his safety on the road home…
though he only lives over the bridge…
i finish and notice he’s hard again
and tell him i would suck his dick again, but he has to drive home
he tells me i can do it
he’s never noticed it made him tired..
he picks up the American Grizzly magazine that the cover-guy had given to me down in florida
and leafs through it
asking me to suck him off yet again
so i cum this time
and he cums again
we talk a bit more
his face looks like Goat
his shoulders
the hair on his back
his neck
so hot
so…
otherworldly..
what do we do with these people?
we go to have desert.
he won’t dink my tea
(fresh catnip i gatherd from the garden today)
not kosher cups
can’t drink the water out of the cups
can’t use my utensils
we eat desert
with plastic forks
apple strudel
he checks to make sure there is no possible risk…
i smile and tell him there is none
could i teach anything?
i think now of the married men i know who play and don’t think about it
they don’t want to have to think about it
there is no risk
no worry
not for us
if i bring it up
they blink it away
or don’t respond
which i don’t feel is appropriate
i feel like you have to be aware of the fire
even if you’re deciding you’re not going to fall into it
just deciding it’s not there…
i know that works for many
but that’s not my way
i’m sorry i brought it up though…
but that’s who i am!
i bring it up!
whatever it is…
and i’m not sorry.
but there’s not a hug before he leaves…
a hand shake
” a pleasure meeting you ”
and all of that enthusiasm waned
he heads home
“do you remember where my car is?”

i don’t usually go out on mondays…
but bridget asked me if i’d work with her in the garden…
so i acquiesced to it…
then we realized it was the fourth of July!
she had parties to attend..
i called my friends…
N didn’t answer
and never called me back..
C’s number was busy
and i got a call from R, the cuban, waking me up from my mid-morning nap…
so
forgoing my friends and parties
i went to Queens to see R, a man i met down in Florida at the Celebration of friends…
i won’t give too much detail on this one
but he’s 69
well hung, uncut
naturally able to keep it up … better than pretty much anyone i’ve ever been with before
he fucked me for about five hours on and off
he came twice
made me cum four times
and i was totally exhausted afterwards
intenses passionate sexual connection
HOT
yeah!
(where is the love?)

i feel like i’ve had a good connection with god lately..
i was sitting around yesterday and said
“i need to get some massage work, i need to make some money”
and three people called me in a row to set up appointments.
one that night
two the next day
then i set up another with a regular…
while working on the first last night
i remembered how much i LOVE giving massages
but that i shouldn’t give three in a day..
when i was finished
my first client of the next day had called and cancelled…
Thanks
=== instant manifestation [: be careful]
the next morning i woke early and headed out to Jamaica to attend a reformed Hindu ritual and service
the preacher had found me on the massage site
and was interested in meeting me
i felt out of place there…
the only one not wearing a kurpa
the only one not Indian…
but it was an interesting experience
afterwards
i was so tired
not having slept much
i smiled at everyone
enjoyed the Namaste’s they all bestowed–
the preacher introduced me to the entire congregation as “a yogi”
as the crowd thinned
i found a corner to lie in sivasana
die out and rest…
he woke me as everyone was gone
and we went to his room to talk…
eventually he asked for a massage
and i got him to strip
cute little man
beautiful
i massaged his back..
i could tell he’d never had that…
so then i cuddled with him
he got sexual
so i got into that energy with him
and
importantly
after he’d cum
i curled up with him
and held him for a while
talking with him
he dodged my lips when i kissed as his
“i’ve never kissed a man”
but i kept doing it…
he blinked his big eyes at me
“you are SO full of love!”
he paid me a bit “for my time”
and i ran to my other client…
who
oddly
had the same birthday as my regular client i was to see afterwards
November 30th…
which is pretty much a perfect opposition to my sun.
we fell through the massage
with his eyes so heavy and longing on me
into sex
the whole time i felt dissapointed and uncomfortable
i didn’t want to have sex
though he was a handsome man..
i just wanted to massage him…
when it was over
i left tired and unhappy..
& a message on my phone from Frank Martin telling me he’d just seen my very Loud Cum Shot in the new Bear Party video
i bought some Adana Kebab and Lebni
and got on the train up to central park
crawled into the forest
and sat with a tree
(i feel like i want to cry)
it took everything
it gave me everything
such an exquisite lover
is set me on my feet again
and i set off to my regular client…
the massage was going along as usual
nice conversation
nice work
then , second arm, we were quiet
and i conjured up the magic…
he started shivering
the rest of the massage
he was undulating
he was whimpering
it was amazing
he was so fucking high after the massage
nothing particularly sexual about the massage
but he said it felt like he kept orgasming coninually
he gave me a $100 tip…
i walked back into the park
and thanked the trees before i went back to the apartment…

a long writing about what i’ve done since i got back from FL: the broadway plays, updating my journal…

Yeah
i’ve been having trouble winning games
it’s just not as easy…
flowing
like it should be.
i keep getting the cards i want
after it’s too late
can only turn that deck over so many times.
Here at the house where Dani came when he was 15
maybe we’d be friends
if i’d played my cards right
he’d be here hanging out with me
here in New York City
if only before i’d played the cards that played out my relationship with Eli
somehow shifted the time
to be here before he left.
— i want a lover at my finger tips
a lover of body and soul
mouth and ear
the mind
the heart
i’m turning over the deck
flicking through the cards
and they just aren’t what i need.
— s’alright
there’s always something beautiful (and un-related) commin’ round the corner…
Off to Peru in November, yeah
San Francisco in August
with the wind
India in August?
India in December?
Istanbul?
Indiana?
— i was telling him about how i have to have faith
have to
it’s what i got…
he said i’ve got amazing confidance
says i talk it true
from my heart
found a world view that works for me
Yeah, yeah it’s true
yeah
but i’ve got my doubts…

i just landed…
late
sat at the terminal
posted the journal entry i wrote when i first got there
and the one i wrote on the plane
backdated them
so you have to click on my journal to read them
but this is just to let you on my friend’slist know
i’m home.
Hello New York City
i’ve missed you!
now:
to meet up with my Australian friend over in Terminal 7
— we’re off to Broadway!

Ah!
what a week!
wednesday to wednesday..
i had a slow morning in cocoa beach
with conversations about the future
cleansing…
eggs…
oils…
shells
in a spacious way…
we made our way to the Greyhound station in Melbourne
which had moved to the airport
and was about an hour late
down the coast…
i was quite surprised by all the storms
thought it was sunny and hot in Melbourne
it was only moments down the 95
that the sky was grey and thick and spitting on us…
there was a part of me that wondered about coming to florida in late june…
but i figured all those sagely men of the Celebration of Friends should have known what they were doing…
indeed!
storm season: it’s what makes it a tropical climate… to rain in the summer.
i took a taxi from the bus station to the hotel
and arrived exactly the same time as Jim and Gene..
many handsome men by the front door
but i walked right by them
to be greeted by Jim
waiting by the front door
on the inside
waiting for Gene.
we checked in
and i was impressed by Embassy Suites…
i’d not been in one of these since i was… probably… 14
we used to have “rich” relatives visit us
( i later understood it was part of the middle-class ideal to appear “rich” — none of us actually were )
(barbie-tale-ideals)
they would stay at the E.S. in Indianapolis
and we would spend as much time there as we could: it seemed so exotic!
this surpassed my childhood memories:
it was like a jungle in th ecentre
huge ceiling
up 12 floors
the couryard was a maze of bridges and paths through a jungle
waterfalls and rivers
cute
commenced with cuddling
hugging Jim and hearing is stories was great
lots of laying in bed and talking…
i gave him a massage too..
the days passed fluidly…
i wasn’t feeling overly sexual
it was mostly about watching and wondering
i felt like a child
also like an exotic fruit
many people stared at me
wondered…
i had to make introductions mostly
but them men mostly responded very favourably when i did…
some big beautiful beards…
many men refering to themselves as “santa clause”
quite a few of them played Him in the malls of their homes…
Livonia Michigan!
yes!
(laughs)
the next morning i went to the Vendor Mall
there was a guy from the upper peninsula of michigan
who had moved to Australia 40 years ago
and now delights in fucking married men
and filming it!
i had found some of his video’s when i was downloading porn a few months ago
and when i went to his website
i decided to buy his two DVDs
but then noticed he’d be coming to the Celebration
so wrote him to ask if he’d be selling his wares there
he said Yes
so i waited to buy them in person..
he was a very friendly fellow
so handsome
we have the same taste in men, though
so i bought his discs so i could enjoy seeing him in his sexual pleasure
beauty
heat
he gave me a free disc as thanks
Sweet!
Gene had been talking with me about playing with older guys
and i told him the story of the herbal erection tea i’d made for Leo
He Wanted Some!
so we all went out to Whole Foods to buy
Yerba Mate
Damiana
and Oatstraw
— and i showed him how to make it in the coffee maker
then Jim took me to haulover beach
layed naked from about 3:30 to 6:30
and went home with a big sexy italian {Sagittarius} guy who i’d talked with on line
but now his beard was died in a charcoal fu-man-chu against his natural grey
it looked silly
but
admittedly
hot
he took me home and made me Putanesca
i tried, but failed, to make garlic mayonaise as i was taught in Brazil
we ate
cuddled
slept
it felt really nice
i kept feeling bursts of pleasure which made me want to say
“i love you”
but i’m hesitant down here..
he dropped me off at the beach in the morning around 9
on his way to work at the Salon
(hmmmm, hairdresser)
and a guy i’d talked with last year said he’d come meet me on the beach
so we hung out together
he’s from long island originally
but used to summer here
at the age of 15
he started an affair with a married woman aged around 40
and made a huge scandal
she left her husband (a rich doctor)
and married him
then divorced him
so she could still get her alimony benefits
though she still lives with him.
a performer, piano player
for a while they toured together: he sining.
he’s lived here all these years
(he’s only in his mid 30s now…)
and hardly ever comes to the ocean
so we swam
and talked
i practiced my skills at underwater blow jobs
but it’s difficult in the ocean
— all those waves jostling us about
and the salt water!
many guys from the Celebration were there
and this guy i’d seen around the hotel
seen in photos from last year
and seemed to recognize was there
he bumped into me in the water while i was playing around with my other friend
and grabbed my dick with an exagerated cuban surprise… big eyes
— we got eachother going…
ahhhhh
Haulover Beach…
the day was lovely
my italian friend returned to pick me up around 12:30
and i felt nice and cooked
a few hours later
the burn set in
which i was surprised by
but i guess it’s the solstice sun…
ouch!
he took me back to the Hotel
and i decided to take things easy
did a massage any way
then hung out with people
after the massage
i walked back to the hotel
and stopped by a plaza that had the artworks of my italian friend in a Framing shop
and noticed an eye-glass shop that had frames i really liked…
so i made an appointment for the next morning…
back at the hotel
Gene told me about a sex party happening upstairs
a guy i knew from NYC was hosting it ( a guy introduced to me by a friend from SF)
— after the massage
i sat on the toilet with my cell phone
playing Solitaire…
i’ve had a lot of trouble finishing the game lately
keep having to fold…
— everything to me can be an oracle
and in my mind
i strongly felt a voice
“fucking is not good for you right now: STOP. don’t get fucked and don’t fuck other people”
i think it’s coming up as very important
i have to stop by the time Saturn moves into Leo
which is July 17th
this is a challenge for me
but i agreed to it
as i did
the deck all made sense
and i beat the game of solitaire for the first time in days.
OK.
clear message.
still
at that sex party that night
i fucked a guy who i found so CUTE
a big polar bear of 73 or so from near Buffalo, NY
and got fucked by the hot cuban guy i’d met at the beach
(who actually lives in NYC)
we was a spectacle
the whole party stopped and watched
(so i was told by other people… i was too busy to notice)
[ “will i complete the mystery of my flesh?” ]
the next day
i walked back over to the plaza
and went to my eye appointment rather early in the morning…
i’d been having irritation in my eyes since i had arrived in Orlando
and at this point
the left one was completely red and swollen
and i was a bit worried:
was this pink-eye?
i was having some crusties…
i’d seen an add on TV while i was staying in Cocoa about a pill you can take to fight “dry-eye” by making your eyes tear more…
in the list of side affects i heard them say “we don’t know how this can affect people with Herpes in the eye”
and i remember being shocked by that: i didn’t even know that could happen!
was what was happening to my eye an hypochondriac response to this worry?
the doctor took a look at it and told me we couldn’t do the refraction that day
my eye was too swollen
and it looked Viral…
so he gave me some anti-inflamitory drops
and a perscription for anti-biotic drops
i had to go pick up from the CVS
i felt depressed all of a sudden
sad and annoyed
angry at Florida for doing this to me
that passed pretty quickly when i got a great Açai smoothie for really cheep right next to the CVS
and watched the hunky mexicans doing welding nearby…
then i sauntered back to the Hotel
my eyes already feeling better from the drops…
i walked out to the pool area
and ran into this guy i’d talked with on line about a year ago
who’d driven down from the other shore of FL
BIG italian {virgo}
bigger by 50 pounds than the other big italian
(and there was another Big italian i was flirting with by the pool that Gene had suggested i chase… he had also died his grey beard with a fu-man-chu… who knew?)
this guy just got back from NYC
where he’d hung out at the Dugout and played the Bear-Super-Star
as he’d just been in American Grizzly magazine as a cover star
… he gave me his magazine
and i knew every guy in it!
i felt like a bear whore…
and spent the next 24 hours with him
he was very hot
and i got the “i love you” feelings with him as well
but, again, didn’t vocalize it.
he was very italian
in that controlling arrogant kind of way
plus
he made harsh judgments of everyone
— his virgo was a bit exacerbating
when i came back from his hotel to the host hotel
Gene saw his magazine that i had left in the room and immediately hit me up
“where is that guy? he’s SO HOT!”
yeah
we’d done some photo shoots
had a good time..
but i felt a bit outside of it…
i’ve been noticing lately
that when i’m getting fucked
i have MORE energy than usual
and when the cock comes out
its a noticeable change in ecstasy
i wondered if that’s like getting addicted to it?
it worries me…
i gotta stop and strengthen my root chakra
(engaging mulabanda right now…)
the last day of the event
i decided to just spend with him
cuddling and talking
coming to grounding
they both left the hotel at 7am on monday morning
and i went up and knocked on the door of one of the many men that i would have liked to have played with…
but hadn’t got around to.
he had his part-time-boy-friend sleeping in bed
so he said he’d meet me down at my room
what a beautiful good-bye romp!
then my ride arrived:
a guy who had written me through the massage web site
and separately…
he was very excited to meet me
saying he’d read much of my journal
— we had a lot to talk about on the hour+ drive out to Shark Valley Everglades preserve…
we got there about 10am
and were ambushed by mosquitos!
i was shocked!
so much so
that i acquiesced to using bug spray
which i haven’t done in years!
then we began our walk…
it was very reminiscent of the south african Veld…
long views that went on forever…
the bugs kept us moving
but we stopped many times to enjoy the fish and flowers
the beautiful birds…
and the Gators!
a bunch of babies…
protected by their 7 foot mother…
(grin)
a 6 foot guy playing in the shallow water about five feet away from me
nuzzling the ground
rubbing his nose
like a playful dog…
.. with huge razor sharp claws and teeth..
the loop through the park was 15 miles
and he said he had walked it before
… but not this time of years
the bugs and the heat made it very difficult
not to mention
about 5 miles in
i got huge blisters on my heels from my sandals…
i took them off and walked barefoot on the grassy shoulder of the path…
the observation tower at 6.5 was beautiful.
a cool breeze
no bugs
we both decided we’d catch the tram back instead of walking the rest of the way:
it was another 8 miles
and being 1 o’clock
it was hot [ashell]
we sat and talked
the phone rang!
— when i returned from Brazil into Miami last year
i had most intentions to hang out with this Cuban guy i’d talked with for a year or so
but when i arrived
i couldn’t get him on phone or email
he called the last day i was in town last year
appologizing
telling me his father had died
and he was very sorry.
Ah..
he calls me in the everglade
crying
flustered
tells me he has to miss our date that night:
his father has died…
i say
‘ didn’t your father die last year? ‘
and i had to bite my tongue not to be mean
which was true?
either of them?
grrrrr
whatever
i then got a call from another man
who i’d talked with on line since 1997
but had never met.
a few months ago i found him on the net again
and saw he had moved down to Lauderdale
so was excited to meet him on this trip
— we made a date for that night.
when the tram came
they told us we’d have to pay $13.50 to take it back
so we had them call the ranger
who’d pick us up for free
then we walked on
continuing the path
until he came and drove us back to the lot
we drove directly to the beach!
clouds come in
waves huge
we went swimming
— this guy was a native
and hadn’t been in the ocean for YEARS!
in the water
we met another native who spent a lot of time there
and really wanted to fuck me
— i just DOESN’T work in water!
we played though
all three of us
that guy was the only one who came…
TWICE!
i practiced my underwater BJ and felt like i figured out how to do it
he was happy!
while we, all three, held eachother in the huge waves
pellicans dove over us
— lots of fish in the water…
it was beautiful and memorable…
we stayed a little over an hour and he drove me home.
cooked me dinner
and we ate and talked…
it was difficult
trying to explain to him the “truth” about me
— i didn’t want to be mean or overly judgmental
but i tried to his explain that he didn’t have anything that attracted me
his life was very Spacious
and i wondered if it was his work?
a financial advisor…
always dealing with money
i often feel the fallacy of money is
you take your vital life energy an transmute it all into cash
what use is that?
— trying to explain that he didn’t create anything to share..
his house was white: walls, ceiling floor
dog
just not attracted
nothing wrong
not for me
how to say that without sounding judgmental?
even now..
rejection is painful
but
sometimes
necessary.
he drove me up to M’s house
Hairy Pop
a guy i’d talked with for Years…!
first time meeting…
His Leo energy sucked me in…
back from those days when i loved only Leos…
he took me in his arms and everything he said sounded like the truth…
“florida is filled with broken people”
he didn’t say that
but it’s what i heard
— he made jokes about that’s what brought him here..
all of a sudden i was obsessed with diabetes
and was explaining to him
and my italian friends
— it seems everyone has it!
Hydrogenated oils stop you from using insulin!
poison!
doctors…
what do say?
anyway
i had two days with him
of subtle conversation..
he said so much less than everyone else
said it slowly…
said it with so much meaning and truth…
— he’s from virginia…
spent his life as a Fire Fighter…
beautiful man
but what do we do ?
they asked me when i’d be back to florida
even the people on the beach
“we’ll be waiting for your return”
just a slight burn
settled into a nice tan
got me a new pair of glasses
after another massage client that was also a Leo
great sex.. like the good old days with…
a faery emails me that day about Robert!
“i had sex with him and he left a bunch of stuff in my tent!
i emailed him many times and he never responded… does he hate me?”
‘ no.. it’s just what he’s like … ‘
arrogance and non-compassion
we’re all there
cycling through…
so strange
this morning
the beautiful french/italian swiss boy going through bear411 and bitching about everyone he saw…
ah
the beautiful and young of Lauderdale
and the old and wise
who i came to visit
different beauties…
well
thanks
thanks Florida
for the sun and sea
the conversations
people’s lives…
i appreciate it.
see you later…

ok.
i’m getting on the plane soon
returning to NYC
hopefully i’ll have time to write about all of this on the plane
and post it when i land…

sewing up the crotch in my pants
— actually making a change, being affective…
being incredulous that i could affect change in my life

Gay life and alliGators
… arrived in Florida
flew into Orlando
through an Ordeal…
missed the F train as i was walking down the stairs…
this has happened a few times over the last few days…
so i caught the next train, a J, south
but it stopped one stop before Fulton, which is where i could have changed to the A
so i had to take the 4
which was 10 minutes or more of waiting
one stop
there
waited another ten minutes
for the A
it wasn’t going to the airport
so i got off at Lefferts Blvd
and walked around.
bought some water
and Roti
oh!
it was so GOOD
i loved the indian woman…
she loved me too
filled the Roti with Lamb meat (and bones)
and Liver!
fuck burritos.. i just want Roti…
well, i did have a good burrito on 23rd street the day before too…
finally: first one in New York..
anyway
i ate my Roti
so hot (picante)
it made my lips burning and itchy
lit my eyes up
long bus ride
checked in at the auto-check-in at JetBlue
as i stuck my card into the slot a woman behind me yelled
“Dominic, Don’t!”
it was her son
yeah…
i checked in as the plane started boarding. . .
had a seat up front
i passed out
my forward bend is increasing nicely
(thank you, marijuana!)
i landed in Orlando
had lots of messages
long story short…
i rode with a 27 year old from New Brunswick
who’s gay
but can’t deal
married a girl from france who just needed a green card
then became obsessed with her
so as to not deal with anything about himself
things are tough
we talked
he drove
i ate blueberries.
he picked me up from the guy’s house who picked me up from the airport
who had every Orisha
i was introduced to Ogun and Elegua when i was 19
and B introduced me to Yinmaya and Chango
now here’s all these others too…
this guy plays santa
and does readings
runes
and …
this kid
picks me up there
and drops me off at his friend’s place
the guy i came down here to meet
who’s a Babala of Chango!
Santeria everywhere!
conversations
gets me high
i sit
embarrassed with myself
he says i’m so afraid
i’m running from my gift
embarrassed
like most of my sex is to keep an energy dynamic that keeps me powerless
and i’m vampirically drinking this shitty-male energy
yinning down the yang
channeling it through
feel embarrassed
i want to be better than this
he says
“what is
is”
is is
and i know
oh
“it’s just fear”
and
“you gotta know your emotions”
i just feel sad
and this isn’t sexy to me at all
not just sad
i don’t mean that
sad.
i go to sleep.
slow morning
wake
slow
slow day
watch “the puppet masters”
old Sci-Fi movie on TV
ugh
Florida.
we go out
to the everglades
we park the car
and i point to the airboat rides…
we walk over to “the lone cabbage”
18 bucks
we get a half hour zooming around on the swamps
see the gators
the cranes
little birds
purple flowers
the wind in my hair
the roar of the engine..
the guide says that gators can bellow
but before that
they emit sub-sonic base sounds that another gator can hear over 5 miles away
— the water dances on his spine…
after the ride
we went for a walk through the marshes
my friend stopped
i kept walking
i started throat-singing
and there one was
15 feet away
floating in the water
water as warm as the air
just his nose and eyes sticking out
…
prolly about 6 feet long…
i sing to him
i do mountain pose
i feel him…
Thanks.
marsh lands…
bitten by fire ants
just a few
not that bad.
we’re talking
i rub his head
“it’s good luck to rub a nigger’s head, boy”
he tells me a story about his racist boss as a child…
good luck
i jump in the ocean
so good
feel my body broken in the waves
wash that city out of me
ice cream and movies
now it’s time for dinner
and we’ll sleep.
tomorrow down to lauderdale
yeah….

admittedly
i’ve done precious little since returning to NYC than masturbate
i’m trying to break the habit
but i feel it’s tied intrinsically with my burgeoning anti-social character…
today
i had planned to do to very social things:
attend a ritual in central park for the solstice
and meet up with friends for “Folsom Street East”
Neither accomplished.
i woke up late
[didn’t go to sleep til 3 last night…
the client i had got me stoned…
and i’ve been wanting to get stoned
it’s been a while
it was very good for me
i praised Shiva
i went down christopher street
i could not go in the bar…
i lay on the lawn
and did yoga
High
so good for me
but i scared all the kids down there
.. i was a little freaked out: i was the only white kid there..
anyway
it took me a while to get back to the house
and when i did
Ganapati came over
and i made a neckalace for myself
we talked
and achieved another First for him
then i needed to pass out… anyway]
i lounged around
by the time i was ready to leave
it was already past 11
and this guy had been calling me
i just let him come over
skipped central park (it was over at 12)
then went to head up to the bronx
but decided to buy an iPod Shuffle first
it was a run-around
but i eventually succeded
and am now the proud owner of a Gig Fragment of my music collection.
i got to the garden about 3:40
and J had been there an hour
zhe had nearly finished the other wall on the rock bed i had started
… and had been weeding when i arrived
had to leave shortly after i got there
i found myself mean and critical… judgemental
but
of course
i didn’t express it
just felt it, thought it.
when i was alone
i got down to work
fully aware
that if i didn’t leave by 6pm
i’d miss the entire street fair
surely enough
N called me asking me where i was about a quarter to 6
and i just didn’t didn’t feel like going down..
i wanted to see him
but i didn’t want to hang out among the leather guys and vendors…
errrrrrrr
i just can’t right now
don’t want to go to sex parties or bars or street fares or parades…
i’m feeling very cut off from gay culture
yet
on that note
i’ve been having more male to male sex than i’ve probably every had in my life
i feel like i’ve been cumming two to three times a day
steadily
if not from sexual interaction
then from masturbation
— frustrated
coz i don’t want to masturbate: i want to co-create
and i’m not here in NYC to lock myself up in my room with a computer
to garden
alone..
Ugh
i feel inept at relationships…
Yet
the gardening is so good for me
to heave
haul
move the dirt
mix
get my fingers cut up
scrapped
in the dirt
tilling it with fingers
ripping shit up
making it peaceful
making it home
making it grow
taking care
tending…
grow grow!
seeing it grow.
very good.
and every time i’m up there working
many many people stop and comment on how great it looks
and talk to me about it
and wish they could help with me
love it
shower me with blessings of appreciation!
it’s good.
it’s good for me
it’s good for the community.
it’s good for the earth
it’s good for the school
the kids
my friends
the plants…
i’m good for all this
and myself
i’m good.
it’s good.
i’m really glad.
Anyway.
i’m leaving
i got to get to sleep
i’m leaving tomorrow morning
heading to Florida
yeah
flight 69
jet blue
to Orlando
Yeah.
well, what?
Celebration of Friends
mmm
cuddling with some known friends
others?
surely..
surely days out at the beach
nude beach!
haulover!
naked
warm sea water
so blue
melt
tan
burn
through….
Yeah
and hopefully a hike in the everglades
yeah
chasing gators
maybe find myself a husband of one of them
or an orchid
go live in a swamp
in a tree
hmmmm
but first: Sleep.