43.4 - “spitting out the demons” the intention of “editing” every day for four hours is really more about this: carve out some time for myself age old story but a big part of why i’m here is i’m tired of living just for myself i haven’t figured out how to have a partner but i have a family and i’ve never fought with my mother and actually get along with her quite well like and love her my father and i… don’t have animosity now we are friendly… i wouldn’t say we are friends the idea of what a friend is is different to different people but to me it has a lot to do with being able to just spend time together and open up about what’s going on inside of each other one of the things i love about my mother is we have things in common that i rarely have in common with people : making tinctures and salves… giving massage… supplements and organics… otherwise we do puzzles together, play cards together some movies we enjoy watching together i can’t play video games with her and i can’t share any of my sexual stories with her (imagine there weren’t a taboo about that… we just don’t have it in common) i can’t do any of those things with my dad i believe everyone has an internal life but i often say i imagine he doesn’t have one today i was thinking more along the lines he has a neglected internal life but he’s a guy who will talk about the weather, sports, politics but if i ask him about events in his past or his experience of religion or what he thinks and feels about something he generally has nothing to say in a similar way his person spaces in the house are cluttered, undealt with sure mine and my mothers are well, but to a much less degree he thrives in socializing fishing, hunting, hosting the hunters and fishers and Business so what’s going on in him? i can’t say i imagine many things my mother has a healer friend you send her a picture by email and she does some healing work on you she says some weird stuff, as you may imagine but tends to be on-the-mark a lot of the time and just as often as her “treatments” do nothing they often help sometime miraculously a psychic friend of mine says she’s working with the spirit of her grandmother to do the healing friends who have left their human bodies who are doing things in the etheric realm in relating to my mother and sister she almost always says “i have released you from deamons” she never said that to me until i started staying here again and i remember that when i was a teenager i thought everyone in indiana was cursed by the spirits of the land by the ancestors of what we call “the native americans” i remember, when i left the USA, i then came to believe that everyone in the USA was cursed for the same reason then i began that most humans everywhere were cursed being punished not by some christian god but by pissed of nature spirits but all that is good it’s a conundrum how, lets use our dominant paradigm’s most common metaphor: how Jesus is an antidote to the Jewish Deity of vengeance and righteous anger he’s just this guy who came along and was like “whoa! everything loves you. you’re forgiven, we all love you. everything is love. it’s all good. chill. just love one another. just be kind. i love you. i’m god, it’s alright… we’re all god, and… “ and they fucking killed him and then used his memory and image to torture humans for what two thousand years now? all that is good in this world that makes flowers bloom and rainbows etc… is torturing all of humanity we’re in “the good place” all perfectly arranged for us to be miserable and torture each other and ruin everything all the time but you know it doesn’t have to be that way we don’t have to play that game i keep getting distracted i came back to edit something and wrote this out but earlier, i had written this: i totally believe in a version of reality where reality has a back stage like we are on stage, on TV but there’s a huge world producing the TV show, you know costume shops, set shops, prop shops acting schools writers… etc… (that’s the kind of writer i’ve always wanted to be: script doctor for reality… i’m still working on that) anyway that’s a metaphor and reality is as simple as what you can know write now (not what you can imagine or cognate, but what you can actually know through senses… reality happening right now) or as complex as anything anyone can possibly believe and then some i vacillate between those… i told my mom i think the body/consciousness/self that we use and interact with others in this Reality is the tip of the iceberg of our “soul” an appendage perhaps just a hand metaphor again like a physical manifestation exploration vehicle consciousness is happening in many realities it’s broken into various archetypes but all collapses into oneness this is now and forever but also it is divided almost infinitely so it can have specific experiences one of those is individuality it’s a game, a stance, a script, a role, an app whatever but it’s happening a process running the self in this dimension we call reality is connected to a huge being doing many things in many other realms simultaneously and likewise behind that all those come together one way of describing “we are all one” meanwhile we are also driving the kids to soccer practice wondering what we’re going to eat tonight planning out a menu or pulling through the drive through or gorging on a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream meanwhile we are imagining taking over the world or how we will secure a happy future for our selves or the ones we love etc… so we were playing dominoes and i felt like my dad had some strategy but he doesn’t talk about anything happening with him some magic deflection shield i ask him he just says “i’m lucky” he always shakes his head and laughs with almost every interaction with family… when i hear him say that i hear an infinite echo in multiple dimensions like he has huge tentacles running many deamons pulling strings to make us pull the right dominoes so he wins and the rest of us lose in this version of reality he’s just playing he’s just studying he takes a long time to pick and organize his dominoes he take a long time to play he cannot express what he is doing either consciously or unconsciously he’s protecting a secret he’s always in competition always at war i decide to cheat i hold back the wild card that would let us play so we have to draw almost all the extra chips til we find the double three, was it? gets to be there are only about 7 left when mom finds it we play through i rack up tons more points he gets some but still less than the rest of us the next round and the rest of the rounds i get the worst chips possible we kept getting caught in these feedback loops of having to pull chips i’m thinking of how he’s either some grand warlock or an incredibly repressed functional vehicle for one and he’s punishing me for trying to stack him up like he punishes us all the time. and it’s tile after tile and the tension is building in our shoulders and the table and my mom puts down a chip that stops us in that vein saying “this breaks that spell” when i was younger and did drugs often i had many years where i felt everything had meaning everyone was talking to me all the time everything was talking to everyone all the time the billboards any random advertisement or song lyric every utterance was infinitely extrapolatable back to some eternal truth and i kept hearing the whispers of that truth in everything but couldn’t understand it from my human mind with all my baggage and confusion and it was making me crazy because i felt i was supposed to be doing something to somehow fix this nightmare hellscape of vaguely unpleasant mediocre eternal suffering we were all in (that’s the version most of us are in: over fed on empty food with all the electricity we could ever want to power our constant distraction machines and condition the air so we think we should be comfortable but continually find we aren’t anyway… as opposed to the people who are, like, starving and dying of cholera, living in huts made out of garbage… or many other points along the arc between those two… and past on either sides, i’m sure) i gave up on all that i was telling my mom that today that i’ve not been writing much for two years vaguely making notes about things i should be writing about things i may like to write about in the future but balking any time anyone asks me to write something and when i feel really inspired to write something down i often find i write a paragraph and STOP during all of those meditation retreats i learned how to not be stuck in my thoughts all the time i learned how hinging reality on the experience through SELF was hellish suffering and i learned how to not have to do that and every time i’ve written in recent years i feel my mind slipping back into that “selfing” and every time i sit down to write i feel my mind spinning up into extrapolating multidimensionally every experience so the last few days i’ve not been sleeping much my mind has been hyper-active and when i prepare to go to sleep and wake up i flit through the phone looking at things jumping from thing to thing to thing i remember when i lived like that heck it’s just a few weeks, right? it’s mercury retrograde just like the good old days sorry, what was i going to write about? i meant to tell you that “editing” today just meant taking time for myself that is getting done some things for ME things that don’t relate to the life i’m living with my parents in indiana but maybe a future life maybe a past life meaning internal life things yes yes countless writings i have written i need to edit but also just a million projects i’ve “meant” to do for years and i’m making time to do them yesterday i edited a few pages on my web page which took at least twice as long as it could have because i had no idea how to do it and had to figure it out today i took an impulse i’ve had for twelve years? or at least four since someone once paid me in Ethereum to figure out how to properly use block-chain wallets that is buy and sell and trade follow the graphs so i spent hours doing that today installing many apps creating various wallets spending about the the amount i would make in one massage session to buy some imaginary money from other imaginary money then turn it into other imaginary moneys maybe i was spurned by porn twitter i the search field seeing Elon Musk had triggered some huge buying frenzy of a sex worker cyrptocurrency yeah i want people to pay me CUMMIES but in order to do that i have to have some first and in order to do that i need a wallet that can exchange them and they are an ALTCOIN so i had to learn about Binance, which isn’t usable the USA etc etc etc i spent hours doing that and finally got a Coinbase account working the ETH this guy gave me in 2017 was worth $1000 USD when he gave it to me a few months later it was 2K i was impressed a few months later it was 200… it hovered there until recently to when it’s shot up to over 5K right now it’s $3.7k and the bit i bought on coinbase i split into DOGE and MATIC and BITCOIN and it’s already gone up a bit when i first heard of Bitcoin i thought it was absurd like most of you but i did the math today and if i would have bought $200 of it in 2010 when i heard of it it would be worth twelve million dollars now so let’s buy on the dip right? then i went out and weeded and made a little youtube video where i talk about some other metaphor i haven’t talked about on here and mostly nothing else i wrote about if you read all this i’ll be shocked i realized i’m doing this project more for myself than an audience which i’ve talked about already i love being of service i love helping but it’s time for me to get back on the horse and start playing the Dominic show again and that requires internal work i’m always doing internal work, actually but there’s an infinite amount of different aspects of internal work so back to this polish the stone polish the stone love you, good night.