43.4 - “spitting out the demons”
the intention of “editing” every day for four hours
is really more about this:
carve out some time for myself
age old story
but a big part of why i’m here
is i’m tired of living just for myself
i haven’t figured out how to have a partner
but i have a family
and i’ve never fought with my mother
and actually get along with her quite well
like and love her
my father and i… don’t have animosity now
we are friendly… i wouldn’t say we are friends
the idea of what a friend is
is different to different people
but to me
it has a lot to do with being able to just spend time together
and open up about what’s going on inside of each other
one of the things i love about my mother is
we have things in common that i rarely have in common with people
: making tinctures and salves… giving massage… supplements and organics…
otherwise
we do puzzles together, play cards together
some movies we enjoy watching together
i can’t play video games with her
and i can’t share any of my sexual stories with her
(imagine there weren’t a taboo about that… we just don’t have it in common)
i can’t do any of those things with my dad
i believe everyone has an internal life
but i often say
i imagine he doesn’t have one
today i was thinking more along the lines he has a neglected internal life
but he’s a guy who will talk about the weather, sports, politics
but if i ask him about events in his past
or his experience of religion
or what he thinks and feels about something
he generally has nothing to say
in a similar way
his person spaces in the house are cluttered, undealt with
sure mine and my mothers are well, but to a much less degree
he thrives in socializing
fishing, hunting, hosting the hunters and fishers
and Business
so what’s going on in him?
i can’t say
i imagine many things
my mother has a healer friend
you send her a picture by email
and she does some healing work on you
she says some weird stuff, as you may imagine
but tends to be on-the-mark a lot of the time
and just as often as her “treatments” do nothing
they often help
sometime miraculously
a psychic friend of mine says she’s working with the spirit of her grandmother to do the healing
friends who have left their human bodies who are doing things in the etheric realm
in relating to my mother and sister
she almost always says “i have released you from deamons”
she never said that to me
until i started staying here again
and i remember that when i was a teenager
i thought everyone in indiana was cursed
by the spirits of the land
by the ancestors of what we call “the native americans”
i remember, when i left the USA, i then came to believe that everyone in the USA was cursed for the same reason
then i began that most humans everywhere were cursed
being punished
not by some christian god
but by pissed of nature spirits
but all that is good
it’s a conundrum
how, lets use our dominant paradigm’s most common metaphor:
how Jesus is an antidote to the Jewish Deity of vengeance and righteous anger
he’s just this guy who came along and was like “whoa! everything loves you. you’re forgiven, we all love you. everything is love. it’s all good. chill. just love one another. just be kind. i love you. i’m god, it’s alright… we’re all god, and… “
and they fucking killed him
and then used his memory and image to torture humans for
what
two thousand years now?
all that is good in this world
that makes flowers bloom and rainbows etc…
is torturing all of humanity
we’re in “the good place”
all perfectly arranged for us to be miserable
and torture each other and ruin everything all the time
but
you know
it doesn’t have to be that way
we don’t have to play that game
i keep getting distracted
i came back to edit something and wrote this out
but earlier, i had written this:
i totally believe in a version of reality
where reality has a back stage
like
we are on stage, on TV
but there’s a huge world producing the TV show, you know
costume shops, set shops, prop shops
acting schools
writers…
etc…
(that’s the kind of writer i’ve always wanted to be: script doctor for reality… i’m still working on that)
anyway
that’s a metaphor
and reality is as simple as what you can know write now (not what you can imagine or cognate, but what you can actually know through senses… reality happening right now)
or as complex as anything anyone can possibly believe
and then some
i vacillate between those…
i told my mom i think the body/consciousness/self that we use and interact with others in this Reality
is the tip of the iceberg of our “soul”
an appendage
perhaps just a hand
metaphor again
like a physical manifestation exploration vehicle
consciousness is happening in many realities
it’s broken into various archetypes
but all collapses into oneness
this is now and forever
but also
it is divided almost infinitely
so it can have specific experiences
one of those
is individuality
it’s a game, a stance, a script, a role, an app
whatever
but it’s happening
a process running
the self in this dimension we call reality
is connected to a huge being doing many things in many other realms simultaneously
and likewise
behind that
all those come together
one way of describing “we are all one”
meanwhile
we are also driving the kids to soccer practice
wondering what we’re going to eat tonight
planning out a menu
or pulling through the drive through
or gorging on a bag of chips
or a pint of ice cream
meanwhile
we are imagining taking over the world
or how we will secure a happy future for our selves
or the ones we love
etc…
so
we were playing dominoes
and i felt like my dad had some strategy
but he doesn’t talk about anything happening with him
some magic deflection shield
i ask him
he just says “i’m lucky”
he always shakes his head and laughs with almost every interaction with family…
when i hear him say that
i hear an infinite echo in multiple dimensions
like he has huge tentacles
running many deamons
pulling strings
to make us pull the right dominoes
so he wins and the rest of us lose
in this version of reality
he’s just playing
he’s just studying
he takes a long time to pick and organize his dominoes
he take a long time to play
he cannot express what he is doing
either consciously or unconsciously
he’s protecting a secret
he’s always in competition
always at war
i decide to cheat
i hold back the wild card that would let us play
so we have to draw almost all the extra chips til we find the
double three, was it?
gets to be there are only about 7 left when mom finds it
we play through
i rack up tons more points
he gets some
but still less than the rest of us
the next round
and the rest of the rounds
i get the worst chips possible
we kept getting caught in these feedback loops of having to pull chips
i’m thinking of how he’s either some grand warlock
or an incredibly repressed functional vehicle for one
and he’s punishing me for trying to stack him up
like he punishes us all the time.
and it’s tile after tile
and the tension is building in our shoulders and the table
and my mom puts down a chip that stops us in that vein
saying “this breaks that spell”
when i was younger and did drugs often
i had many years where i felt everything had meaning
everyone was talking to me all the time
everything was talking to everyone all the time
the billboards
any random advertisement or song lyric
every utterance was infinitely extrapolatable back to some eternal truth
and i kept hearing the whispers of that truth in everything
but couldn’t understand it from my human mind
with all my baggage and confusion
and it was making me crazy
because i felt i was supposed to be doing something
to
somehow fix this nightmare hellscape of vaguely unpleasant mediocre eternal suffering we were all in
(that’s the version most of us are in: over fed on empty food with all the electricity we could ever want to power our constant distraction machines and condition the air so we think we should be comfortable but continually find we aren’t anyway… as opposed to the people who are, like, starving and dying of cholera, living in huts made out of garbage… or many other points along the arc between those two… and past on either sides, i’m sure)
i gave up on all that
i was telling my mom that today
that i’ve not been writing much for two years
vaguely making notes about things i should be writing about
things i may like to write about in the future
but balking any time anyone asks me to write something
and when i feel really inspired to write something down
i often find i write a paragraph and
STOP
during all of those meditation retreats
i learned how to not be stuck in my thoughts all the time
i learned how hinging reality on the experience through SELF was hellish suffering and i learned how to not have to do that
and every time i’ve written in recent years i feel my mind slipping back into that “selfing”
and every time i sit down to write
i feel my mind spinning up into extrapolating multidimensionally every experience
so the last few days i’ve not been sleeping much
my mind has been hyper-active
and when i prepare to go to sleep and wake up
i flit through the phone
looking at things
jumping from thing to thing to thing
i remember when i lived like that
heck
it’s just a few weeks, right?
it’s mercury retrograde
just like the good old days
sorry, what was i going to write about?
i meant to tell you
that “editing” today
just meant
taking time for myself
that is
getting done some things for ME
things that don’t relate to the life i’m living with my parents in indiana
but maybe a future life
maybe a past life
meaning
internal life things
yes yes
countless writings i have written i need to edit
but also
just a million projects i’ve “meant” to do for years
and i’m making time to do them
yesterday i edited a few pages on my web page
which took at least twice as long as it could have
because i had no idea how to do it and had to figure it out
today
i took an impulse i’ve had for
twelve years?
or at least four
since someone once paid me in Ethereum
to figure out how to properly use block-chain wallets
that is
buy and sell and trade
follow the graphs
so i spent hours doing that today
installing many apps
creating various wallets
spending about the the amount i would make in one massage session
to buy some imaginary money from other imaginary money
then turn it into other imaginary moneys
maybe i was spurned by porn twitter
i the search field
seeing Elon Musk had triggered some huge buying frenzy of a sex worker cyrptocurrency
yeah
i want people to pay me CUMMIES
but in order to do that
i have to have some first
and in order to do that
i need a wallet that can exchange them
and they are an ALTCOIN
so i had to learn about Binance, which isn’t usable the USA
etc etc etc
i spent hours doing that
and finally got a Coinbase account working
the ETH this guy gave me in 2017 was worth $1000 USD when he gave it to me
a few months later it was 2K
i was impressed
a few months later it was 200…
it hovered there until recently
to when it’s shot up to over 5K
right now it’s $3.7k
and the bit i bought on coinbase i split into DOGE and MATIC and BITCOIN and
it’s already gone up a bit
when i first heard of Bitcoin i thought it was absurd
like most of you
but i did the math today
and if i would have bought $200 of it in 2010 when i heard of it
it would be worth twelve million dollars now
so
let’s buy on the dip
right?
then i went out and weeded
and made a little youtube video
where i talk about some other metaphor i haven’t talked about on here
and mostly nothing else i wrote about
if you read all this
i’ll be shocked
i realized
i’m doing this project more for myself than an audience
which i’ve talked about already
i love being of service
i love helping
but it’s time for me to get back on the horse
and start playing the Dominic show again
and that requires internal work
i’m always doing internal work, actually
but there’s an infinite amount of different aspects of internal work
so back to this
polish the stone
polish the stone
love you, good night.
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