Month: June 2011

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there’s very little I can do

I am aware of myself
and of the rest of the world
what I can taste, see, hear, touch
what I can feel, suspect, imagine

I know of my desires
and the possibility of their consequences

I do not wish to cause any harm
but know I do
through direct action
knowledgeable negligence
or ignorant complicity
I Do

Life is based on necessity
we’re far past that rule
and I see many gentle attempts for life to prune itself

there are also violent ways
and more
apocalyptic

I’m doing my best to keep my eyes open
and do what good I can do
with where & when I am
what…

ahhh
today has been an exceptionally beautiful day
I am grateful
and even more grateful for this gratitude

tonight seems like a very rough night on the subway
I’m taking it short
only from 125th up
but there is so much weariness in all our faces

I am not the only depleted

I’d like to be in the arms of the loving…
but I fear . . .

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practice today was more engaging because of setting
being aware of space, surrounding
other people
informed greatly how I was
thus how I was with my partner

but on with the day
not entirely as planned
went and saw Thor
a bit entertained
not inspired
-goat porn-

but Jorge and I wandered into Dave & Busters after the show
the theater just routed us through
I’ve seen D&B for years: had no idea what it was
but when I saw it today I was excited:
all I saw off it was the arcade
I love arcades
I really miss them
I loved them as a kid
and I put my Hate aside for any huge corporate place from the Midwest
and walked through all the flashing lights and electronic noises
like being inside an AFX song
we played $6 of games
then looked through the prize shop and the only thing we really wanted (in the lower coupon area) was the Domo…
so I went back out and bought more credits to win the tickets to win the Domo
Jorge cheered me on
I was winning it for him
I felt like he was my girl friend at the county fair

"Every time you masturbate
God kills a kitten"
and Domo is the hand of god that does the killing

don’t take the lord’s name in vain
you ignorant arrogant vain son of a bitch
"god" isn’t the name of your god, not that you even know the name
the word "god" is a non-specific place holder for any deity
which is fine
will do
anyway
in anywhere USA

we ate cold "sliders" off a plate in honor of Dani

but before that
I had fun with one of my clients
visiting client
gave him a good massage
he paid well
and I enjoy him
happy mood
and energized
skipping through the rain
I didn’t have an umbrella
and was carrying dried mugwort bundles that I didn’t want soaked
so jumped back underground
through the tunnel from 1 to C
but it was only going uptown
so I went
switched at 59th to downtown
and I stood in front of a lady sitting down
Bluetooth in her ear, dark brown skin
she smiled and said I looked Earthy
we talked
se said she saw me with her heart
a spiritual guy
I continued my acting practice with her and found it went quite well
said she looked happy
she said her heart was bleeding
but she was trying
I said Happy Right Now
she returned and agreed
said it was hard though
said God lived in her heart
and she paid attention to what God put in her path
and how that’s the hardest work
to always pay attention
especially in this city
and yeah
it is hard.. so much to take on from everywhere…
i offered her some mugwort
but she didn’t want that
she wanted a hug
she said she felt my heart, not my dick
and invited me to go somewhere with her
but I told her I was meeting a friend to see a movie
she held my hand going up the stairs
snapped at an old white guy "quit trying to trip me"
I took her hand specifically in mine
held
and shook it good by
she dances with glee
and I felt a strong transmission
huh huh huh
a little more than I’d wanted to take on
but that’s interaction, yo
I beat myself with one of the bundles and that helped…

that was that
then the evening at Gerald
we ate
talked
practiced the repetition more with them
left at midnight
and after Daniel left me on the train
I took some pictures
and saw I look quite depleted
awh…
more nourishment
less spending
less…
More!

well
I’ll eat a bit
then sleep

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supposedly keeping a journal for technique class:

George audited today
he kept it anonymous
but admitted one of her students "enthused" him to come check it out

the warm up was loose
again
my taste is one of my strongest sense imaginations

with K in the desert
linen blowing

not much emotionally moved today

R spoke of Uta’s term: "empowered"?
no..
emblazoned? ("it said: break up the family and let’s begin to live our lives..")
no…
something…
anyway
to be affected by the nature of objects on stage
real or imaginary
a hot cup of coffee…
the sun…

in repetition I was anxious and rushing
I feel I understand it
but am still too distant from my emotions to be comfortable
also
my perceptions of people are fixed
this I’ve known
but is newly poignant
in that when I am in relation with them I treat them as I Have perceived them
instead of what they are right then
it’s difficult and lazy

in work
I kept jumping for second impressions on top of the repetitions
which was annoying

after that I sat and watched others
found it generally infuriating
and became sullen, tired, and paranoid
convincing myself, again, of lyme’s disease
then desperately trying to cure it from my system
losing concentration and perception and drive

R pointed me for not replying to her email
and cited some actress saying "no amount of homework will compare to action" to learn, we must change our behaviour

yes
all my knowing
(my silly knowing)
does me little good if I do not alter my ways
ah
like a heliotrope
growth is so slow
but persistence succeeds

aum…

on the highline with Father Coats
I got stopped to be photographed for Time Out (online content)

the light was so beautiful
but the tired continued
and in the subway I realized I hadn’t photographed myself
so tried some angles
and Fr.Coats suggested I not look so serious
I did a bunch of goofy shots
and this one was the last
so terrifying and mutated I had to use it

I guess I’ve got a beard again…
but I want to keep a shorn face this year
I will cut it on 33

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Oh!
Fuck!
what a day!
Stories!
Passing out, fainting… triggered by the Vegas nerve? Ugh!
I didn’t remember the "dreams"
but woke to two nurses looking at me with concern

thread
cord
red
holding life here
together

one foot in
one foot out
shake shake shake

(over wrought, horrible! pretentious, too much! aaaaah!)

when I pass out
I go to another life
in another world?
on another plane?
another Dimension?
something more
other

somewhere I lost
but remember how real it felt

when I woke up here
looking at those two women
I instantly forgot where I had been

was embarrassed
after realizing I wasn’t sure where I was, what was happening, who I was

on Reality TV
know the schedule, the channel
and what role you’re playing

fuck

I rested on the highline
kicked off my espadrilles
opened my shirt
let the sun flow in
-my belly got hot
my marrow radiated…

on I went
worked
gave advice
tried to be a good brother
napped on the couch while he cut hair
went to see a Show
no
so to another
The Tree of Life
which tried so hard and made me impatient
whatever

what I loved
though
was remembering how Dinosaur bodies were the perfect body to play on this earth
back then…

all the green we could eat!
sun, water…
that was good…

what a horribly pretentious nostalgic farce!
but I remember talking with someone
about Nostalgia
crying for the past
last generation
last generation
a period
before before before

who said Dinosaurs?

"but who dies for the dinosaurs?"

"right?"

"oh, children do. boys at least. every boy cries for the dinosaurs… they…"

they remember when they first came to this planet

"that’s where god lives"

up in the sky?

but now he lives INSIDE of everything
I thought
iPhones
all these devices
in there
in electricity

the trillion fragments of God
God’s Homes
my hands…

argh!

worked up to a froth
low on blood

this moon
of course…
so heavy
the eclipse…

make a wish, darling
I’m in a state, muñeca

pulled back to some other life I imagine more real
other
the suit of presence
God’s (fucking) magic wand

I’m
in
a state

(number thirteen)

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fuck you, sucker
I hold my own hand

there are an infinite number of superficial aspects to fixate on

–“I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.”

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tickles

I

I’m trying hard for reality
searching deep for presence

I’m real, I’m present
but there is a more-full way of being
I’ve felt it
it feels different

spherical
(I say..)

multi-dimensional

if I could move like that
the Reality
putting on the suit
scepter
crown
cloak

stepping in to

when I practice
I often have revelations
of the sort I only ever got on acid
or orgasm
the occasional meditation

I feel deep inside myself

have you ever been with a baby
fully opened yourself to receiving and reflecting its experience?

baby-super-molecule
(we called it)

we were all once fully alive
dying starts quite young

…when my brother would sit his bulk on me and tickle me
I learned how to pack the feeling away
not being affected by it
"it’s just a feeling, why lose control to it?"
numb and still

but now
in this practice
I feel the presence of myself
and them
us together
shared
in/with each other
and it tickles me

I love it
that giddy feeling
out of control I smile and twitch and buck
grinning and giggling

this is really good
and
perhaps
it is the key and door
back into Life

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I’ve been staring at the moon

just watched a movie called "Beginners"
after getting an astrology reading
telling me my life will most likely be what it’s been from now to twice its time
more sagas of travel
adventure
struggle and help

no clear one-love/one-career

restless soul
a late bloomer gifted with impatience

offers of porn
and endless mysticism
"either a monk or a hedonist"
after saying I had the chart of a monk
and discussing how I don’t feel I can worship anything honestly
and how many lives I’ve been a monk
but the teacher appears when the student is ready
and I just gotta wait
keep living
everything will be different next year
but no peace for a long while yet

I want to make a shirt that says
" Ascetic Hedonist " on the front
and the reverse on the back

I had to doctor this image to tone down my sweet tooth
but the rest I took later in the day
after all these experiences
and the weight is on me now

I spoke with a friend and strangled on my emotions
I watched the sky this dusk
and wanted to jump in

iyam wat iyam
there are far worse fates

I’m in transformation
yes, station-to-station
just to do the work
to carve the block
and set him free

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there are days out of time
no system is perfect

time is a suggestion anyway
a theory of how to apply quantity to eternity
how to apply meaning to breaths
heartbeats
blinks
the moments between dreamings

the gears click between systems imperfectly
here
is a missing tooth
not exactly
but a representation of

now
when it suits me

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sugar coma
cup cake today
cup cake yesterday

my mind feels cloudy
far away

I’m upstate
up in the woods
to slow down the time

so the story goes

I want to write about people
clothes
ideas and relationships
but I’m too sleepy in the fog

what?
we played cribbage last night
my oil
and cider
and beers
I was so tired
I slept in this morning
back to sleep

my dreams were disturbing

but didn’t involve police
which is s nice change
it seems the last few nights had…
we got stopped by a cop last night
but absolutely nothing came of it

today we went into down town Livingston Manor
to see the trout parade

of course
visiting small town America can be beautiful and quaint
nothing like the oppressive feeling of living there

I liked all the big dogs
and puppets

as I said
when I’m in small towns like this
I feel compelled to spend something
give a dollar any way I can
another hand-decorated belt
a "s’mores" cupcake
chocolate chip cookie (mmmmmmbutter)

and I’m loving seeing all the lush green
(in the last days before the fraking turns it all into a barren burning wasteland)

mmmm
going to nap

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subject to humidity
thinking of fire spirits
my logic is scattered
or I’m thinking spherically instead of linearly

I miss the moon

I feel I need some time away
a little quiet

I’m in a car heading back to the Delaware river
further south than last week

I’m longing to feel water rushing over my skin

when he died
he wore his wedding ring
twice

I’ve never had a dead friend

dear friends
dead to me?
surprised if I ever hear life from them

but not friends
current and loving
leaving the body
to walk in ghost with me
to show up at my side
in times of need
in the darkness
in dreaming

–“I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.”