Month: July 2004

so
where are we ?
um
i’m in Forrestville
dig that, eh?
it took a while to leave Fort Bragg
and i came here
well
i came this way
specifically because i had a massage client out in Napa
but i never got there
i decided to come to gurneville to check out lazy Bear
and meet some guy i’d talked with from craig’s list
oh
everything
distracted me
i feel
so
disjointed
i didn’t do the dishes this morning
i made a beautiful lamb curry last night, a saag gosht
and some kitchari
we drank the rest of the absinth
me and the other monk…
the night just felt like floating in muscle-relaxers
laying on the divan in the front room
it was alright
the cuddling
until it turned sexual
what can i say about that?
the night before.. i f***ed him
and it just felt like it drained all of my life force out
today i made a beautiful dinner as my way of making love with the two of them
— it’s never enough
i went to hide
to write
with dosed brownie flowing through my viens
will i regret those words?
i woke late this morning
dis-jointed
didn’t do the dishes
ate the rest of the sweet bread pudding
then chocolate
then cheese cake
and slowly
slowly
left
drove down to Mendocino to post Bridget’s advertisement for the herbal program in NM in october
then back to the apartment
took a hitch hiker for a ways…
back
gone
over the mountain
so slow
frustrated
and i felt i had to stop at lake mendocino
nothing going on
then to a road-side stop
where maybe i was with jim gilson
a swimming spot by the river
but not this one
this was just teenagers
jumping off cliffs into the swift water
no
driving
i finally made it here to forrestville
was offered chicken
and an insatiable and un-controllable dog
(he yelled at it and yelled at it, obviously unable to control it.. it wanted affection)
some affection
some sex
(i was called a “woman” repeatedly)
then we drove into gurneville to see the Lazy Bears
and as we walked the streets
past all the clones
and all the guys i see every fucking time i go into the lone star (even years ago)
turn the corner; find another one there
i kept wishing i’d find nayland or thor
someone out of place
someone dead, like steve fallas, who i saw here when i first came here, back in 2000
(ah, the good ole days)
i just wanted a late-night mexican resturant
but all i found was bull-shit tourist prices
and no old friends
no one i loved and wanted to hug
just more clones from san francisco and around the world
it just made me feel lonely
just like the first time i was here
people that i knew
from the streets of SF
no one recognized me
i saw tit-pig
and thought of my friends who had had sex with him lately
and though i didn’t find any old friends
the guy i was with ran into some guy he’d fucked more than twenty years ago
and this guy had one of the most cock-tail-emaciated faces either of us had ever seen
and this guy i was with, he’d been on the verge of tears all night telling me of all his lovers who died from AIDS … and how he gets tested every three months…
and i’m whining about wanting a familiar person to walk up to me
and he gets this guy, who pinned him in about half a minute
and he had No idea who this guy was
you’ve been there?
but in this context?
oh, the whole thing made me so sad
i bought lots of chocolate
expensive
and mediocre
we walked outside
past the porn stars
past the bar again
people standing bored and dejected on the sidewalk already
people not recognizing me
but looking at me
commenting
still: i have no patience for this
i turned to this guy
and we simply agreed to just go home
and this guy has been a total recluse for over 7 years
he even had his food delivered
of course
this isn’t setting a good example for me to follow
and i know
i can’t live my life as a hermit
but every time i’m around people lately…
oh, i’ve been talking about this too much
anyway, kids
the moral of this story is
find your passion and live it:
don’t listen to the fears and the doubts as if they know what they’re talking about
they’re teachers and friends
but it’s all tricky
oh wait
i don’t understand anything right now
kids
find your heart, quick
and listen to it
trust it
love it
something
do something and make the world a better place
there’s so much room for improvement
good night!

Nestled inside a nice letter from my father to many of his friends and his family (excluding his wife, which of course doesn’t have oppinions on such things)
was a letter from some other father to some other sons.
nestled inside of that, was a doctrine of war, and fear.
(about how we must unite for this war or muslims will take over the world, we are the last bastian of hope for democrazy and freedom)
my father asked us for our thoughts
so i typed out this:
Well, first
i enjoy that this man went through a scientific propsition of setting up a scenario
creating a question
and then offering an answer
his answer, of course, presumes things that i do not presume in my every day life.
the most pivitol place of difference may exist in his answer to question #2.
why were we attacked?
well
perhaps looking at the world like this has something to do with it:
“We would no longer be the premier country in the world.”
if we think of the world, largely, as a place in which there are winners
and a hierarchy of the better
well, that creates competition
and in a realm of competition
there will always be fights
be it civilized
as in some sort of technology race
or a football game
or all-out bloody killing of eachother
do you think of the indigenous people of this land as being Lesser people?
the indigenous people of africa or south america?
Australia?
are we Model 2.0? and just replacing the old, out-dated and useless model?
or are these valid forms of creation and expression and being?
are all animals and natural patterns of the planet meant to be exploited and destroyed or controlled?
is your goal to eradicate all that is different than you
or only allow “difference” to fit into your catalogue of “known” and “familiar” experiences?
perhaps the people of muslim culture (and the french!)
don’t enjoy the fact
that the way american people think and live their lives
is being sold to the whole planet in an un-avoidable way
dictating that their children are being exposed to a culture based on abusing its nature and exploiting people to their greatest use
mixed with severe crisese of identity expressed in music and film and the culture surrounding those… as well as the media coverage of some of the strange things that happen in our culture as a result of our “freedom”
american culture is like a solvent
and shows every other culture, through the prolific spread of television and internet
-showing people that depend on tradition for a way of life-
that they can live other ways
and god won’t hate them
god won’t even care
it’s full on “tree of knowledge”, “garden of eden stuff”
and it kicks people out of something they’ve been doing for a long time
which is a way of focus… there are projects on this planet that take thousands and Millions of years to be fully expressed
though in the USA
most things get consumed and devoured and excreted as something to be forgotten (art, pop culture, architecture, social ideas…)
in a matter of a few years…
what we have in our country is amazing
the type of freedom we have
to be crazy or respectable in whatever ways we imagine
and have integrity enough to be carried out
but it completely debases very delicate and intricate cultures in a way we cannot perceive at large in America
because we don’t know that kind of subtly
because it cannot exist here
perhaps
if we didn’t act so Arrogant about believing that we had the right to force this on everyone
and THEN the audacity that we then have Authority over places we have instilled with “greed” and “poverty” in places where that used to not even been an option or a distinction.
not to mention how we feel we are free to control forien governments for our own base commercial profits
treating entire cutlures like companies
and forgetting entirely about the importance of each person’s humanity
this world has so many different things on it
and the difference brings out the beauty in ways that bring many weeping
and a depth of ecstasy that Many people never even get a taste of… having never known the vast extent to which existence can be expressed even under all of this planet’s limitations
perhaps
even
because this country is so a-spiritual
(religion is a terrible distance from real direct relationships with the infinity of our reality on a daily basis)
we forget how much we are loved and supported
we forget how we never have to be afraid and suffer so much
we forget how responsible we have to be for every action
and choice we make about how we live our lives.
we are too busy defending ourselves and trying to pretend we are things that we are not
we don’t get to know, sometimes, what we really feel and what we really desire
because
we have no structure in which to recognize who we are compared to the great alien world we don’t have a direct intimate relationship with…
but this is a human thing
and every culture does it differently
wouldn’t it be a kind of progress to decide that was important enough to grow out of ?
imagine how amazing that would make our culture again…
how much it would fertilze this country of freedom
for future dreams of simple people that we can’t even imagine yet..
can you believe, yet again
that you’re the good-guy
and there is a bad guy out there?
or that even We are the good-guys
and there’s a whole bunch of evil out there to corrupt our honkey-dory way of life?
we’re all just trying to live.
we all want to do it our way
what i think of this letter to someone’s sons
is how it makes me curious to what my own father would write to his sons to explain his relationship with his reality and what he wanted to offer to his sons, out of his love
in order to make their worlds a better place
————-
and sent it back to him and all of his friends
does anything get through to those i want to hear things?
there are always ear-wigs.
[ha! funny: i just slightly edited this to make it more understandable, and a little more forgiving and compassionate ]

i used to lay in often meditation
in a dark room of somewhere
image-in-ing my body
feeling every part of it
and filling it with light.
last night i pushed against the flow
making love in a way
[i guess] i’m just not supposed to make love
it left me feeling hollow
as if i had just cum out too much
i couldn’t open my eyes
it took me many many minutes before i could even conceive of moving again
and when it came time for sleep
i felt so limited
and so depleted
i didn’t want to be touched
so i could allow myself the time and space
to let all the energy in the universe flow back into me
as things naturally come back to whole…
but my meditation was different
instead of filling myself with light
last night i turned them all out
>>what would it be like if i made everything dark?<<
so i worked with the willing and let it all flow out
[gone]
the dreams of waking were strong
and i think it's funny
that for months i've not been able to remember my dreams
but the last two mornings…
is it being so close to the sea?
(oh, for y'all concerned about actual spacial relations… i'm on the coast now)
in one
i took a speed boat from our little cabin on the shore (fantasy)
and rode to a small island
where i slept among the rocks "to recover myself"
and how long did i lay among the softly crashing waves?
(this was like sleeping on that island in Acadia park…)
i kept hearing over the radio
my father calling out
"where are you, nick?"
i heard him summoning the police
i heard the police giving reports
and all asking for me
and me… just sleeping through it
cresting up into consciousness ever-so-briefly just to detect the worries…
and when i finally got in the boat
(like a small impororted mini convertable car…)
a cop pulled up on the small dusty lane and knocked on the window
… all appologies: i couldn't find the way to put the windows down…
~~~~~~~
another
i was at some kind of monastery
some kind of retreat
but it was such a cult
and it went from visiting
to fighting for my life
a special gun i had
that shot out waves of sound
parts of songs
(like an MP3 player, i had to pick what song i wanted to use for ammunition, find the right spot with the most powerful sound in the song to shoot at people)
oh
there was lots of running and hiding
and dodging and sneaking around
a final scene of me running down a hallway that would lead me to freedom
dodging throwing knives, star-knives, electric shocks
shooting down my attackers
(not killing them… knocking them out? sending them into some blissful musical interlude?)
with such skill i would speed myself up to slow down time enough to see exactly where each knife would go: none hit me
but then a kid, very much like a faery i know named Sage, taps me on the back
i stop
turn around
he says
"you know, you really don't need to go through all of this: if you want to leave… just leave. you don't have to be like us: it's OK."
the place was run by all these gay guys
really sweet
high-society queens, you know?
but i guess i just didn't feel comfortable…
and there was a third…
but the memories are so vague now:
some odd motherly figure…
that seemed more like an adversary
conversations?
i don't remember
they are cleaning the outside of these apartments
preparing to repaint them
there are loud noises out there
sanders
cars
and radios…
what time is it now?
ten o'clock
— i've been dreaming far too long
time to wake up.

Have i mentioned this?
Back in the day
the stories i hear…
The Toilet
The Ramp
The Mine Shaft…
the fags
pandering to the MaFia in New York City
pouring out their bleeding hearts
(and, lets face it, weeping cocks)
to any receptical that would have them
Rich Italians who knew how to turn screws and keep things going
the whole world based on a balance of manipulation
and exploitation
i think of the other tales he tells me of the early days
… the reminiscence than always flow from his lips when he gets liquored up
when he talks to be in bed
when we’re naked
and having just spent ourselves
these things that come from our hearts…
or come from the vaults our hearts have become…
“when i first entered the gay scene back then
it seemed that every person i met was really amazing
creative, artistic.. they all had these lives…
now they’re embarrassing
some of the older guys, the guys from my generation
at these bear things
they’re real people
but the young ones…
they’re just fat hairy queens buying into a dead culture
working some boring office job that says nothing about their personality or lives
and from which they’ll never advance because of the glass ceiling they hit from being gay..
just like the women or the chinese
what happened to all the amazing people?
it seems it’s embarrassing to be gay these days…”
hmmm
just what i thought when i came out at age 15
believing all fags to be like oscar wilde, morrissey and Allen Ginsberg (not to mention Whitman)
and finding the drug-addled bitchy empty queens of indianapolis…
what inspiration can we find here?
in this sea of conformity and bought-and-sold personalities?
i know i often tell this story in real time when i am explaining to someone what the “rainbow family” is
and, regrettably, they mostly terrify me…
but
back in the 70’s
some of the hippies
(who weren’t hippies, probably, but did these things from their hearts… not from the great current of fashion)
realized that Miller Lite and WXRZ and fucking Doritos or whatever
that were comming into subsidize their events
sit-ins
marches
concerts
or whatever
weren’t doing it out of love
but just leeching the energy…
they split off
forming gatherings where no commercialism was allowed
and they still meet these days…
let’s put it this way:
we are all whores
for the most part
but there are respectable whores
and that’s a whore who not only lover her John
but loves her Work.
we work
we all work
we sell our bodies
we sell our hearts
specifically in this Country
we sell our dreams
we work hard
we give up more than 70% of our lives, often
to making money
what the fuck are we doing?
we’ll not get into that
but let’s just work on this simple premise:
we make our sacrifices
sell our lives in trade for cash
(or credit, many of us)
and then we use that to manipulate our lives…
our money is our life
and we give it to Comcast?
we give it to the war in iraq?
to calvin klien?
we give it to mcDonald’s and Disneyland?
nothing flows one-way
everything’s gotta find it’s balance
and in the law of homeostasis
it’s gotta be equal on both sides
so you give your well-processed life over to a big corporation
make it a little bigger
and it flows back into you to fill up that empty space that once held your life
and how does that feel?
once upone a thyme you were filled with dreams and desires and passions
and now your filled with pat sit-coms and poisonous processed shit-dead food.
tell me, honey
when did this become a good buy to you?
let’s get back to fags
and hippies
and heck
new-age spiritualists
buddhists
scientologists!
mormons and opus dei
what the fuck ever
dilute it and sell it to the abuse of the impersonal who couldn’t give two shits about you
these are the large leeches who get you addicted to their poisons
while draining your bodies…
good parasites
lets the hosts live long
lets them die apparently naturally from the the mal-nourished life of living off of empty ideals…
Um
whatever happen to the bright colours of our lives?
did Tide really preserve them?
did clorox not prove to be so colour-fast?
the UV from “Friends” a bit much
soften your vision
and bleach out your reality.
ugh
the depth of our sadness and disappointment
well, PAY ATTENTION
fuck
what the hell are you doing with your energy?
me?
i’m sitting on a hill and waiting til i feel strong enough to go back into the fray and get devoured again
what else is there to do in this world of hungry birds?
(cough cough)

i feel like i need my time.
i feel imposed on all sides
is it the sun in cancer?
or the waning moon?
why am i so anti-social right now?
more strongly than i remember myself ever being
is this fostering the anger so?
feeling frustrated by the prolific pretensions i’m perceiving around me everywhere
feeling imposed upon…
what knocked down my walls so heavily?
the desires
the lusts
tied strong
pulling the opposition
against the understanding that i don’t need such violation to feel alive
there is a desperation
a curiosity
what it would be like to be with someone in love not based on such crude things
but how could i do that
with someone so crude?
so crude as myself…
i’m amazed by the flow of time
the waves of emotions
just when i felt i was following an undercurrent that lead me to seeking out ways to find the light, positive parts of my heart
just when i felt there were doors opening of giving and pleasure
slammed and broken things clattered into the room
and left me feeling sad, abused, and mistaken.
i’d been waiting for a few weeks for these things to arrive from the computer companies that i’d ordered from Jacov’s credit card
that he offered me for a birthday present
a new hard drive…
when it finally arrived
i copied over my data to it
and then
it promptly died:
my data stuck on it
it locks up my computer every time i go to access it
the catholic guilt i have
makes me think i keep doing things wrong
purge purge purge
would a million days of fasting cure me of this?
i read on line that a woman had fasted for 131 days
forget the world
float down the river
fly off the mountain…
what’s she say while she’s singing?
“will misery turn beautiful right before our eyes?
or blind us where we stand…
will we burn in heaven
like we do down here?
will the change come while we’re waiting?
everyone is waiting…”
bridget didn’t really like it
thought it sounded too Country
— i remember the days i had of such musical prejudice
Ah
it was good to see her
sad that it accompanied all my stuff falling apart
and my mood turning foul…
or was that just my drinking lots of absinth?
i’ve forgotten
but i think it makes my breath smell like terrible cleansing fluid
so i will drink it lightly
in california one cannot get alcohol stronger than 75%
which i find odd
with all these herbalists…
how to make all our tinctures?
still, it seems to be working well enough
i’m quite amazed by the herbal blend
and have enjoyed sharing it with friends
walking barefoot on the roads around the hermitage
seeing the lights dancing in the trees as the evening falls down around the house
(laughs)
the obsidian hot in my hands…
comming back to food has been fun
heavy and slow
it makes me so lazy
loving the flavours
the bitter
the sweet
the meat…
not much cheese yet.
red wine, though
back with Leo
red wine…
writing is the pressure valve
shhhhh
listen
just let me tell you something
let me tell you about my fears and frustrations
let me tell you about my little loves
the good cookie from the shop
some boy who fell in love on the street
the joy of old friends
firm in our imperfections
seeing an old vehicle
knowing friends still love us
in our different ways
and different growths
feeling our desires
flying into and through our fantasies
i had a dream i remembered
yesterday morning
got caught shoplifting!
made to work in a resturant/prision camp
(?)
after the first few days they let me walk out from the barracks and mimick with the people
meander?
mingle
yes
because i had good social skills
everyone instantly liked me
a good confidence trickster
and most of the other prisoners there were famous in some way
it was a small town like Mendocino here
or WoodStock
abandoned by anything useful
over to tourism towards good food and a new age ambiance
the woman who ran the place was like Mrs Madrigal
and knew me back to front just from the way i presented myself
she gave me lee-way
but kept her leash tight
here i am with the beautiful people
the intelligent people
the creative and dashing
slaves to those who know
how to just enjoy life.

y’all’ve heard that thing Da-Vinchi said, right?
he’ws always talkin’bout how he
like
Free’d his sculptures from the blocks of stone…
Well
i’ve created my room in much the same manner.
it’s been a long time since i had a room
and
i mean
a long time.
i left my room in 1997
stayed in other people’s houses all that year
and at the beginning of ’98
i was renting a room in the basement in denver
but
i didn’t really make it MY room
there was nothing in it
it was just where i slept between working
and… whatever else i did in Denver…
in arizona
same thing
the only rooms i had
were other people’s room
and if i had “my own”
it was filled with their stuff
mine was just a visitors.
and i went back to my parent’s house to de-construct and obliterate my room there…
i had a few rooms in ’99
but none of them were really mine
though i rented a room in portland
my room was a storage space
nothing on the walls
no furniture:
i slept on a nicely layed out pile of blankets against the wall
surrounded by haphazad boxes
or i slept outside in the back yard:
sleeping bag in the grass.
an attempted shared apartment with a lover…
but was it mine?
i specifically remember putting up decorations and getting critiqued about them
but i DID get to decorate
…
hmmm
maybe i kinda had a room then
but it was never my own
it was very much Ours
(ah, the nostalgia in that…)
in 2000
borrowed rooms in many places
NYC, africa, arizona, arkansas
eventually the hills of california
where i specifically had a Tree
in a forest
with a pile of blanets layed nicely under a hut of branches
under the tree…
candels and clothing around
perhaps this defined my space
though the darkness could always get in…
and when i got a Room
(after the rain came and washed me all away)
it was shared with my Doppelganger, Zygoat.
2001
was so much travelling
a tent in mongolia
and eventually the Hermitage
and though i got to take it over
and make it My house
i didn’t have a My room
i slept in Leo’s room
(in Leo’s house)
2002
i had my own apartment
a few times
but really
it was just borrowed places
in Amsterdam
Switzerland
Italy
Lyon
even London
but not mine…
2003
i had Vic, my van
and that was my room
my house
my car
but it’s not the same, is it?
now
i have a room
i’ve had it for months this year
this year
officially into its second half
i’ve now taken this room
removing all of its original set-up
and having reconstructed it
from the wreckage of Leo leaving this house
and all my collected STUFF from these travels
beginning to take shape around me
as if i’m freeing my domesticated self from the Ore of my wild life.
to sit here
on the firm bed
cushion against the wall
tea-tray over legs with lap top
candle burning…
Behind me
my buzzing back
Jay is practicing his Didge[ridoo]
Bridget is resting her body in the bathtub
first bath in weeks
they are resting
today i have eaten…
i had vegetables in my miso soup…
i had peaches..
i had sprouted wheat manna bread with dates and cinnamon
covered with raw almond butter
and some sourghoum syrup
and then a nibble at the wonderful granola/trail-mix that Jeff made for me
not very sweet
savory:
ginger/cayanne/cumin
oats, honey, raisins
my room has a floor now
yes,
still a pile of books on the floor
a pile of beautiful stones
some clothes
and a large box (one of two) unfiled herbs…
in a few days
this room will be somewhere for me to come back to.

it occurs to me that the majority of humanity occupies most of their time fighting entropy.
wait, that’s wrong.
that is what is taught to us, let’s say
that we are to make things better and better every day
until we’re immortal?
my being an animal has confusion and trouble with this
i’m trying now to settle into the simplicity of myself
my animal
and i’m angry
(laughs)
scared animal?
sure: most of them are
there is a maniac race trying to make it impossible for them to live so that only one race survives
and when that is complete
that race will then make it impossible for all of those lesser than they to survive
(once, of course, they have advanced their technology enough not to need their lowly servants)
once that is complete
will they discover love?
and all unify into one being?
(laughs)
or will then then kill each other by amazing advanced means
now being immortal
it being very difficult
like a cult of vampires
just dramatically sucking the life out of their adversaries (as everything has become at this point)
and when that is complete
and one Man (will it be a man or a woman? will this race be fit to call “man” at that point?)
will reach up and take God’s hand
and everything will cease.
(laughs)
Neck Exercises…
a friend sent me a link to do neck exercises
and it occurred to me as silly
as all beauty ads appeal
as all fashion ads appeal
to this “not looking your age”
or even “not looking like you live the kind of life you live”
one of the things i love about yoga is
it is a way of life
one of the reasons i respect Leo so much
is his Way of Live
(it’s all about the Way, right?)
Leo talks to god a few times every day
it doesn’t matter if it’s in the form of christianity
what the fuck ever
how many times a day (laughs — week? month?) do you sit down and devote an hour or so to connecting with your idea of eternity?
many people have referred to me as “yogi”
being up here, though, almost makes me stop doing yoga.
being in the city makes me do yoga every day
i have to work so hard against turning into Cement
up here
i just sway with the breeze
time to do a little “climb the tree” yoga
yes..
(laughs)
Oh, by the way, i got that antenna out of the tree
climbed up there with only a lock-pliers thing…
aluminum!
broke off all the spokes
undid the bolts
used the free’d metal pole to pry one of the broken metal pieces out of the tree that had grown around it
but the other one
i could not get
and it made me think of the middle-age’d men i sometimes try to Change
Heal
whatever
Old
they’d been living this way a LONG TIME
i come by
and rip out something they’ve grown around
sure, something that isn’t good for them
or helps them
something that’s a burden
something that’s creating unhealthy patterns for them
but then they’re left with a gaping Hole!
and there are always bits that remain…
even a scar is a reminder.
(sigh)
but i felt the tree was happier
and i checked in with myself
>> are you doing this for yourself or for the tree?<<
of course, for myself
but yes, for the tree
it's good to do things for both of us
and i believe we were both happier.
today i had my first massage client up here
and it was great
i , being on the 10th day of fasting, worked very slow
the massage was 2.5hrs and i didn't do nearly as much as i generally do on the back
but then
he was hairy
and was allergic to oil, so we were using a strange lotion substance
what does the word "emollient" mean?
i'll look it up…
but anyway
he was amazed
he gets massaged all the time
and he said this was the best he'd ever had
(which i actually hear a lot)
$220
which made me feel really good.
it gave me license to be lazy the rest of the day and just get nothing done
(laughs)
which leads me back to neck excercises
(damn! i keep putting the "c" after the "x" when it just ISN'T necessary, i've gotta learn)
i just don't feel like i'm really working on making myself better
i feel the crux of this dilemma is not that i'm arrogant enough to think i don't need to improve
i actually said to someone online to day ' i'm only 26, i've got a lot of growing yet to do '
but i feel so …
what is it?
i don't want to say i feel hopeless
michael moore's new film is direct example that you can change things
he's done a great job
and that's uplifting
maybe i'm getting Zen and feeling that it's just not important
nothing is anything anyway
and though that's a viewpoint
i've always hated it
it's so pointless
but then
i look at things
and they certainly SEEM pointless
but life goes on
day by day
whatever your life is
and i think most people just try and forget about the meaning of things
the reasons
the why's
coz they don't make any sense
and they're not clear
and they're really hardly very useful anyway
unless you elevate yourself to the level where you're actually manipulating the Whys
or come to a level of consciousness where you know all the time that you're in accord with a Why you agree with
and it really is more pleasureable to just eat food you like
and do what you like
and perpetuate cycles
and let the river flow
and keep things as they're going
as they'll always go
entropy all ways wins in the end anyway
so it doesn't really matter
and though there are people who are Go-Getters acting out their passions and perversions on the World At Large
you can always sit on a mountain top
and Think about suing the wine company down there who are spraying chemicals every day with their loud tractors…
but you can always move to an other mountain further away
smoke yourself into a stooper and get on with your life there
or move to another country and learn the language to a degree
reclude, to a degree
enjoy a foreign culture you'll never know the nuances of
thus enjoy more
and try to ignore the rampant destruction going on there
to feed the country you left
who are trying to devour the world.
Hm.
i'm in a hole, aren't i?
excuse me? how do i get out of here?
were is there to go?
mmmm
i'll find a nice river
and jump in
and see where it takes me.
this isn't helping, sorry.
hopefully, no one read this far
la la la.
post it anyway?
Sure: be where you are kid.
alright
as meaningless as it seems
i love ya all.

ah, but underneath
there is always something else
and we can say
it is beautiful
sure, i’m just waking up
the tractors and growling in the valley
preparing wine and other products
and the sky is gentle and pale
and i
i am still too groggy to be fully here
which is A-OK
(helicopter beating in the distance)
before i went to sleep last night i remembered something i wanted to write about
when Leo came back this week
he was only here for a day
i’d asked him to bring some things over from the civilized world to the mountain top
— he’d forgotten all of them
which made me angry
but i very quickly told him that
and just let it go
he was very tired, has he often is now
(working a lot)
i’ve made him this tea…
yerba Mate, Oatstraw, Damiana
in order to produce more testosterone in his body
and nourish him as he gives himself his morning stimulants
it’s also a major aphrodesiac blend
we lay naked and talked on the couch for a while
and then we decided to move out to the bed in the sun on the deck
i grabbed my massage oil
and told him to lay down on his back
now
i’ve been making all my money from massage for 3 years now
BUT
i’ve been doing massage out of love for over 16 years…
and so i started loving him
— he’s only had one massage before in his life
and it was me.
i rested into our energy field
called in peace and healing and love
then started the massage
gentle caresses
deep pressure on very tight neck muscles
falling-so-in-motherly-love
as i so often do…
many years ago i had a lover
and once
i asked him to give me a massage
he said he didn’t really know how to do it
and i said ‘ that’s ok ‘
and he just did it
and it was the best massage i’d ever had in my life
because he loved me.
(thank you robbit)
and it brought me into the understanding that the most healing thing is love
so i let myself come into a place of love for each person that i’m working on…
but to actually get to work on a lover… (i’ve known Leo over 3 years)
so beautiful
and i had to kiss him
(laughs)
caressing him
sending energy through him
smoothing his tension
enjoying his flesh
listening to his soft moaning
his soft snoring
i worked for about an hour when he said he was very thirsty
(we were laying in the sun)
so i told him i’d get his drink…
‘ should i pour it into your mouth? ‘
“mmm, i’d rather you put it in your mouth and kiss it into mine”
so yes
i did
a whole bottle of juice
and we were then devouring eachother
and culminating in love in the sun
with the beautiful valley below us
witnessed by a thousand trees
and the sky
two nights ago
there was an old friend of Leo’s here
a man i’ve also known a few years
he’s celibate
but we are sensual together
— he’s also Very uptight
and i got the feeling he came here to REACT to all of his restrictions
he started drinking alcohol and smoking lots of pot
they said
“oh, let me give you a massage”
which lasted maybe ten minutes
when he said he had to lay down or he’d pass out
hmmm
so i started massaging him
and went for an hour, probably
dum-de-dum
and when the orgasm was getting involved
i was so conscious of prayers
and calling in such loving blessings, beauty and release
no guilt, no shame, free loving…
there was a big explosion
that left me feeling very empty
and i didn’t really realize it til the next morning
but he is one of those men that keeps it all to himself
his energy
maybe that’s his vow of chastity? maybe it’s his up-tight personality
but he doesn’t share
and so i was open and giving with my energy
and just got drained
from lack of any return.
in the morning i felt used and sad
and was glad to see him go.
feeling so alone, so abused
i perpetuated it in the morning
eventually
working my way through my bear pictures and starting to masturbate
when a surprise picture of a current lover of mine came up
he’d just snapped the picture for me a few days ago
after reading something i’d written for him
a picture’s worth a thousand words, so that was his response
as he typed very little
and maybe it was because i was so open
and culling the pictures for their somewhat stale lust intrinsic in the taking
that i caught his message this time
and it stopped my hand
and pulled my energy into my heart
fixed on his blue eyes
i blew him a kiss and said ‘ thank you ‘
and got on with my day in more productive and loving ways.
good morning.

Ok
things i want to understand (write about)
:
the importance of celibacy
Or
knowing when and why to have sex
and being honest about why not to.
birth control.
and
my ignorance to my own process has become unacceptable
i am angry about EVERYTHING and it is, of course, eating me up
what is this?
—–
“… as a person learns to love, she or he enters a deep spiritual process based on truth, and the hitherto confusing drive for sex diminishes. While many may confuse romance with love, romance lacks the truth, openness, and vulnerability of love. The romantic relationship is one that seeks excitement, the sharing of pleasure. The growth relationship leaves the romantic stage to pass through the initiation trial of love. Love seeks further truth, further sharing of self. The quality of love for and from another depends on the depth of appreciation and love for oneself, attainable through acceptance of self, including one’s sexuality.”
Arthur Melville, “With Eyes to See”
I would have to admit that i have always wanted the deep truth of love out of my relationships
and after years of pushing hard to get it and not getting it back
i have yielded
i have given up on it
with much dissatisfaction and grumbling, though
and am not happy with my relationships now
and though i must be careful now about turning my knives back on myself
as i so often do
it appears to me that i do not know myself truthfully
a kid has started writing to me from this journal
and the interraction has made me angry… as everything is doing right now.
though, this context is
he weaves himself out of poetry (much as i do, but in a more learn’d way)
and seems to perceive things in me that i view as flaws
and he says them
not that they’re really flaws
but show me up as being imperfect
when i have such difficulty accepting that at periods in my life
i am rejecting everything right now
a guy i met in brazil, and again at wolf creek
is sending me oodles of astrology interpretation from some site
which is something i’ve always avoided because i prefer to make my own interpretations
but they are SO important to him
and he fills the introductory paragraphs of the emails with details about how the data in there will enrich me so much
and oh, from the writing of the authour, this is surely a time of great change for me
and blah blah blah
it makes me angry!
NOW is always a time of great change
should one choose to make it so
but hearing that from someone who’s constantly constantly constantly doing self-improvement makes it sound like a TV show i should be watching or a drug i should be doing or a team i should be rooting for, etc…
i don’t wanna!
but then, that’s me
yearning for family
but not liking to be included in groups
(flaws)
why try so hard?
well
i don’t know
i tried very hard to figure myself out for many years
and it succeeded in my building a persona that i was more happy with
but it wasn’t me, see
and that just isn’t fair
rather, isn’t real
and isn’t integrity
now, i don’t want to acquiesce to submitting to my ruts and patterns and saying i’ll just be in them forever
but i’ve been having relationships with men twice my age for over ten years now
and i don’t see much option
that is
we get older
and just keep doing the same shit
over and over and over and over
we move an inch, maybe an inch a year
yeah
but why try so hard
when
it’s gonna happen anyway?
sure
be in touch with the process
but fixate on it?
well, everyone needs something to live by.
Robert once told me there didn’t need to be a rush
we had all the time in the world
and it was, of course, just as i’d come to understand this myself
perhaps both of us have forgotten that understanding now
but i’m sure both of us remember having it
past epiphanies gone abstract…
Eli got angry at me in years past for fixating on my own growth, as i’m angry about now
for this very reason
: it’s vulgar and crass to make your live so base as to focus on the fundaments of living like that
have a REAL life
and work it out through that.
and what is a Real life?
being among the people
Friday-night Poker
Parish Meetings
creating art to share with a city, a world
real life includes all of us
the whole of the self.
not just little broken pieces
like being obsessed about sex.
now
i’m a pretty sexual guy
and it seems like i’ve been obsessed about sex since before i even hit puberty
always wanting to be naked and touching people
(not that i ever got to as a child, but i remember desiring to be naked with my parents, to sleep with them.. nothing sexual, but that un-adorned intimacy)
discovering my dad’s “playboy”s at age 8… or 6…
porn at 10
sex and 12
meeting people from the computer at 14
and it’s all slid away from there
when i’m up here on this mountain
no matter my intentions
i find myself getting stuck on the computer anywhere from 2 to 4 hours almost every time i log on
checking my email, yes
but my bear profiles
everywhere
cruising around
getting pictures
it all started here
after my ritual to put myself back into integrity..
i’d not been interested in porn from the age of 14 to 23
but the end of 2001
i would sit on the computer up here for near 16 hours (more?)
jacking off continually
web cam
bear profiles
etc etc
it was a mess
an incredible waste of energy
and i’ve ALWAYS been a computer addict
since i got one at age 10
since i got nintendo at age 8
BUT
once i could take it from the level of a video game
and actually dial-up a reality
(that is, cruise the video game, find a person, and then meet them in reality…)
it became even more addictive
all the cauldron work is still done alone
but the culmination involves some personality.
i’ve often wished i were celibate
i spent almost the entire year of my time in england (at age 17) being celibate
because i didn’t know how to access gay culture
and i was really wishing i could
perhaps
be straight
what i really wanted
i understand
was to have control over my sexuality
i realized
when i wasn’t masturbating like mad
or constantly having throw-away sex
i had so much more creative energy
i also constantly got messages
from the faries.. the voices in my head… my spirit guides… whatever
that every time i had sex like that
i was losing parts of myself
and now i feel like a debased wasted version of the potential i once had
sold myself to orgasm
the little death became a big one
now, i don’t want to be all terminalistic
but a lot of people notice i am being
i had a many subtle pleas not to fast until i disappeared
i’m not a hunger artist
but i don’t know what to eat in life right now that doesn’t make me angry: ill.
is this what AIDS feels like?
if anyone’s reading this that is working through that in a conscious way
tell me
because i know so many of you who seem to have such a strong desire to live against such adversity
and i just don’t understand it
so perhaps it has nothing to do with this…
but i have to include this paragraph because i was scared to write it.
it’s just my own type of depression
and what am i depressing?
i got angry at my dad for making me feel like i had to depress my love
i’m suppressing it all
and the steam is burning
the only thing getting out is my anger
frustration
what am i afraid of?
where is the festering sore?
i’m so near to loving, what’s keeping me?
”
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many ways i would like to break the spell
you’ve cast upon
me
coz all the time i’ve sacrificed myself
to make you want
me
has made you haunt
me
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
”
“the weight of my words” — Kings of Convenience
i remember that i view all relationships as a manifestation of a relationship with the self
because
of course
if you cannot be honest with yourself
you cannot be with anyone else
if you cannot love yourself
you cannot love another
and cannot receive…
“the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”