Will Never Settle

. . .
so why keep eating death?
i was talking with my old friend/lover Mr Mole tonight
a nice 2 hour chat
not as good as sitting in his lounge
drinking whiskey with him
but it was good to sit and talk with him
tis the season!
we talked about many things
and important
is our relationships
he wanted all my stories
and gave me his…
he’s 60 soon
and urges me:
“Figure it out! don’t make the same mistake i’ve made: don’t live alone!”
it’s very difficult to be in a just relationship
it’s not easy to find
and it’s scary.
oddly
we find
it’s even scary being with people who nourish us
see us in a positive light
i was telling him how my friend Marcel treats me as a respected artist
more than anyone else i know
.. many of my friends treat me more as an audiance or therapist
Marcel views everything i do with interest
referes to everything as a work in project
it inspires me to step up
YES!
that is what i’m doing
(i’m dillydallying about it, playing with it, pushing it around)
Yes! i’m planning it and making it happen! this is what it is!
being in a nurturing relationship is scary…
why is that?
is it that way for everyone?
it doesn’t appear so.
living in different worlds:
when i look at society
i see it killing itself
others don’t…
am i scared that if i am happy and invested in this life
it will all get yanked away?
of course it will!
but it will anyway
what’s so scary?
i was telling him
it’s getting clearer and clearer to me what i want in a partner
and a place to live..
what i want in general
i though my saturn return was going to break me down
but it’s making me stronger!
indeed
i have been working for it
preparing for it
hoping and fearing it for YEARS
and i feel the benifits of it
i am young and strong
able
alive.
there is no point in me settling for something that doesn’t feel good
something that doesn’t work
i have the whole world
and committing to just one place or person
is a VERY big step for me
i am not fresh out of the family and institution
i am in the wild
and taming myself will be a gentle process
my wishing for comfort is understood and heard
but i know i cannot short change myself by rooting myself in toxic soil
i seek those who will nourish and enrich me
those i can symbiotically care for
and i will find a partner
though our relationship will not be standard in any way
it will be loving and present
in time… in time..
i read Edmund White’s interview in BUTT this morning
and that was inspiring too
(laughs)
Bottoms are the most creative!
HA!
Submissive!
HA!
well, we’re not all the same
but.. that’s what friends are for.