"who's gonna carry us home? who's gonna wait til the morning?"

“as the ladies line their eyes
as the drunks make their excuses
as the talk is going cheap
i’ll be smiling in my sleep”
i really like the style of ego-maniac i am
every time i watch a movie
mostly when i read a book
i get a sense of how it’s all about me
and i’m not a teen ager no more
i’m neraly 30!
so i should be well out of that phase
i have to accept it’s just how i am.
i really liked watching “big Fish” tonight
i know i read stuff about it
and how it wasn’t so good
wasn’t as good as
or something
but people
specially critics
they just dumb
this is my political motto this year
“people: they just dumb”
and they is.
what else can i say?
anyway
i loved getting the sense it was all about me
and how important it is
to use my imagination
see
i always write about what’s in my head
or my heart
or my fingers
or my hair? i really don’t know
but i write about stuff that happens in my life
an it bores my friend Eli
(he’s obviously the love of my life: i write about him all the time… or he’s my doppleganger, which means he’s my evil twin, or my most loved brother.. the object of my affection… or a smokey reflection of me)
i remember him once being interested in a story i sent him
and he said it was interesting
just because i made it up
liked it that i used my imagination
now
i’m always trying to cut through the fog
to get things clear
make them honest and real
i’m a scientist!
but the world is made of imagination
and trying to get to the bone is just silly.
Silly!
i’m obsessed with Smoke and Mirrors
Stephin Merritt wrote a song about it
and Neil Gaiman named a book of short stories by it
and tim burton is really into using it in his films
them
they
POOF
my friend Jim bought a copy of Smoke and Mirrors in Powells
up in Portland
he asked me who’s the book was
it told him it was his
but he wasn’t sure
coz i’d been reading it since he brought it home
now i kinda miss it
and he’s home now in NYC
long trip!
welcome home, Jim.
but
don’t you find it funny that you can’t ever see yourself except through some sort of distortion?
2d is not you nor me
a photograph is not what you look like
nor, really, is the reflection in the mirror
or the look in your lover’s eyes
who are you? never know
the words i’m writing aren’t me
and i say i wanna get to the core
but i don’t
and that’s what it’s about
“smoke and mirrors
special effects
a little fear
a little sex
that’s all love is
behind the tears
smoke and mirrors”
“we were foolish, you and i
but that’s no
reason
to
cry
we both had a lovely Show
but that’s all, i have to go”
Yeah, isn’t that great?
i mean
just like everything else or anything
you can hang your head and cry your knife away
or you can laugh and make a celebration about it
and your celebration could be about crushing all the ants in the grass
or your milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard
what i mean to say is
the obfuscation is all there is
and we’re creating it day by day
and it’s sad to take things so serioiusly
and Thom says “lighten up squirt”
and i did
i wrote some fiction from a ficticious person
and sent it off to a friend
but i don’t usually do that
so it’s funny
i know
one day
i’ll know more about being further away to be close
coz i’m practing so much at it now
i’ll be able to tell you the truth through the lies
that aren’t lies
that are just Tales
when i get this needle out of my pocket
(see, i’m working on these pants
( a guy stopped me in a cafe in SF and asked me to make him pants just like mine
but the pants i bought were chef’s pants, and very different )
and when i sewed the first cargo pocket in
that’s as far as i got
and upon anchroing the last stitch
i didn’t cut the thread
just left it dangling there
so red against the black checkers
with that beautiful silver tip…
i pricked my finger on in the sunshine
red looks so nice… )
the pants will be made by virtue of them being a necessary prop in the story
and i remember that
how you don’t really need to take care of the details
sometimes
they’re just there becuase they are needed
and most things are like that
Do The Work!
but only what’s necessary
and everything really important will be done for you
or with you, if that’s how you feel
or do it any way you like
there’s a cricket under the bed
and i’m OK with that
but Toby is scared
coz he says they’re loud
and maybe it’ll wake him
but over his snoring?
he says a cricket in the house is good luck
but how did it get in here?
he often vaccums them up
or squishes them
he’s afraid of them
heard if you kill one it’s bad luck
5 years
(if you live that long)
today was a different day
talking on the phone
and having lemonade
and being all horny in a silly way
and reading some of books
and having stuff to do
and how things didn’t work like they were supposed to
so i had to drive
and now i’m in Ukiah
and Toby is Sleeping
and i will be soon
Too
and tomorrow we’ll watch Ferinheit 9/11 or something
and i’ll go home
but that’s just a dream
i’ll talk about it later
after it happens…
( i keep wondering if i can post-date things in here..
it let’s me back-date… but i’d really love to make a journal entry for the future )
“ask all my drunken friends…”