whawt ieeam doowing

how do these things happen?
i left a few windows open on Safari
i wanted to go through and read some journal stuff
make some comments
i sometimes feel bad for not reading other people’s journals..
so i go to this post first
http://www.livejournal.com/users/catelin/179683.html
coz i read it it bigreddee‘s journal
which i got to from
cthelarger
coz he’d left a comment on my journal
after i’d left a comment in
chriskomater‘s journal
reading about the HAIRY BODIES exhibit at THE LAB
which i got to from where?
i don’t remember
but this has been going on for Hours now.
catelin‘s post has something like 1600 comments on it
and it was well written
so i went from looking at her journal
to other people
i didn’t know
and following links from bigreddee
or someone…
i don’t know
i found tons of people i didn’t know
and opened up tons of windows
of, i’ll admit it, guys i thought were cute
and discovered many things about LJs tonight
though i’m often obsessed with writing some kinds of “piece” with some sort of expression or exorcisim or something
man people just blog
they just talk about what they did today
many journals are just that
simple
what they did today
which, really, is the reason i started my journal
all these people wanted my day-to-day details
but i don’t think i live in my day-to-day life
i think i live through some prism of intention and fantasy
and my real life is as much of a fantasy as everyone imagines it is.
what is my day to day?
it’s nothing.
today
i
woke at noon
i
opened a lemon
a grapefruit
put them in a blender
with psyllium
spirullina -health-something powder
fruit juice
hot water
and coconut oil
i enjoyed blending it, coz i hardly ever use blenders.
i washed some dishes
i came and got on line for a while
masturbated a bit, but not to completion
wrote people on silverdaddies
responded to some emails
read some journals
opened windows
downloaded .pdfs of ephermeri from 1978 to now
(yesterday i only had a few, which i used to map out my satyrn return, but i’ll get back to today)
i then read more of “all ears”, a book by dennis cooper, compilint essays, intervies and obituaries from the early ’90’s
— he’s so judgemental
no wonder he’s pissed off so many of his friends.
(i’m afraid i can relate all too well)
i then got on the phone for a long while
with various people
during which
i mixed carob powder with yogurt
ate it
drank some kefir
then made toast
with
goat-feta made from the goats at Short Mountain
–musky…
creamcheese with raw garlic
limburger
leyden with cumin
by that point
i was talking with Leo
who is probably still writing his Sunday Sermon as i type this
and started distilling wine from 1970
i don’t think it really worked
but it partially worked
i then talked with my dad for a while
about the John Of God special they did on ABC Primetime thursday night
— interesting how he responded… we agreed– coming from different directions
he told me he’d have my sister call me back
(and i’ve probably missed the return call from my sister coz i’ve been reading journals for the last two hours)
then i came in here to read the windows i had open
and close them so i could watch “women in love”
but that was over two hours ago
in that time
i’ve verified my paypal account
and made my own set of judgements about people i don’t know…
haven’t friended anybody from the experience
but have bookmarked a few…
it appears that
even in such a word-centered place as LJ
people are still drawn heavily by sex
i mean…
there was this guy i read who had posted 4 times
and each post had something like 57 comments or something
because he was a big cute bear
and billed himself as only that in each of his posts and his bio.
there were others who just filled their blogs up with memes
little trifles they made a big deal out of
which i guess we’re all doing…
and maybe it’s just the mood i’m in
i didn’t connect with any of it very much
well… but the beauty
it’s rare we write of beauty, eh?
rare we notice beauty
the “fag” article had lots of beauty
but that’s because she was holding it up as a shield
as a Tao
to balance that ugliness
that little ugliness like a sliver
she held up such big beauty to show how insignificant the ugliness was
is
of course
who cares about ugliness in the face of such beauty?
that’s what’s great about the world
you can see it anyway you want
you can focus on whatever you want to see…
it’s been hours since i started writing this (10:46pm, it’s 1:04 right now)
and i’ve been downloading music from
radfaepappy‘s new page
and reading through my postings from last year
coz it was year ago i started doing this live journaling stuff
and it’s fun to read what was going on for me then:
i was in a foreign land
everything burning my eyes wide
ahhh, if life could be lived always like that.
i’m preparing for my satyrn return
i have been for years
but it’s edgy right now…
i mean
i feel like i need to rest
feel like i need to root down
but i’m afraid that if i do that during my satyrn return it will cement me in place
and i am just so much happier when i’m having adventure after adventure
if i got out of america where everything is familar..
but in america there is the addiction of the pain
— when i’m here there is a palpaple difficulty
the fear, the pain
i don’t feel it anywhere else:
here i feel i have a responsibility for it
there, it can be tragic… or too abstract
still
i feel impotent against it
i mean
except for this
for talking about it
for writing
for making my own self a vision of beauty to make it insignificant
unfortunately
i feel the ugly machine is working over-time in this country
in human society
and what is it?
should i post this now or keep reading?
i can always post other posts after this
and this one is getting really long
maybe i’ll go quietly to bed…
but i have a few more days to read
hope you’re sleeping well, dear