what was lost can {never/always} be found

when i got back in town
i looked through the Voice
and noticed
Broken Social Scene
would be playing at the end of the month
the paper said
“Saturday: SOLD OUT
new show open on Friday”
so when i went on line a few days later to buy a ticket for the friday show
it was sold out too
but they had opened one on Thursday
so i got two tickets
thinking i could get either Bridget or Nayland to go with me to the show
i was very excited to be able to see them.
so
the day came!
Bridget had cancelled in opt to go see Feist on the 10th of next month
Nayland had a Panel he was doing
so couldn’t come
so, just like monday, i was going out to have fun
on my own.
i put an ad on craigslist to sell the ticket
i searched for them first
didn’t see any
so put up an ad in the Tickets section
and the m4m section
wondering if there were any cool gay boys who knew the band who wanted to go see them.
i got a call about 5 minutes after i posted
though i assumed it was from the Tickets ad
coz the guy didn’t chat with me
was very business like
OK
taken care of
i woke up yesterday morning kinda sickly
stuffy
was it the dog hair?
or just the fact that i hadn’t been sleeping enough?
so
off i went into the day after taking care of my small errands
Q to ave J to the 6b down to Ave O
my friend Arthur was also a bit under the weather
we ate sandwiches and watched “Keeping Up Appearances”
… which i guess i had never seen before.
ugh.
england.
oswald was hot.
everyone else was kinda scary.
oh, he was scary too…
but would be fun for a day.
life there is such a closed system:
model for the suburbs
winds blowing through the desert..
they wanted to go to an Art Exhibition that the Mayor would be at
she made her husband buy books to research ART so they’d have something to talk about
he got a book of 23 essays on the Creative Process
she said
“Twenty Three! But the exhibition is Tonight! We don’t have time for all that”
Time.
i cuddled up and took a nap with him
and felt so thankful for people who don’t have day jobs
dark bedroom
warmth.
but i woke on time
natural internal clock
he was still asleep
i snapped a few sleeping pictures of him
and tried to tuck him in
but he threw the covers off: too hot
Ok
i was on my way.
stopped off at home to drop off my bag
and talked with Bridget
who should have been at work…
but had had some strange TMJ freak out that morning (also woke up ill)
so took the day off.
apparently my massage was still working through her.
good!
but i couldn’t convince her to go to the show with me
i ran back out into the night
cold
gotten colder
cccccccold!
and i missed the buss at every corner
and the Knish shop was closed
even though they were advertising being opened late
it was only 7:25
damnit.
i walked up to 3rd Ave and 11th st. /Webster Hall by 7:45
-scalpers everywhere-
met the boy
who seemed nice and all
but unengaging.
we stood in line a while
and then i got in.
and felt kinda lonely.
all the cool kids.
i took a strip of photos in the photo booth
i ate some popcorn
i put the pizza spices on
garlic salt
DJs in the bathroom
urinals filled with ice
chris working the coat check (a kid i’d met once long ago nowhere)
i walked around the hall
nice
DJ sucks
kids
cute bear boy
cute hipsters
cute girls
i pushed through the crowd
some sweet black boy blocking me
saying “dude, you have to say excuse me or hello or something”
as i was staring at the floor
and just pushing my way through
i stood in the centre of the audiance near the front
standing
thinking
staring at the stage
feeling awkward
having bad gass
thinking about how
in general
american culture is Anti Social
or maybe i was just trying to justify myself
thought how african and latin culture was much more social
well
then i started talking to some sweet hip kids next to me
and farted badly at the annoying het suburbanite Bridge & Tunnel people behind me
waiting
waited
they were supposed to come on at 8:30
then 8:45
but here we were at 9…
but then they came
eight of them on stage to start
5 guitarist, one base
one viloin
and a drummer
playing a song i didn’t know, but had seen on a 7″ when i’d been walking around:
“all the gods”
then two more people came out
two girls
they played 7/4 (shoreline)
— i’m not going through the whole set list
but after that
another four people came out playing horns
and everyone started switching instruments
i LOVE this
a group of friends who are all playing together
stretching and fluxing
having fun
it was a fantastic show
i really got into the grove
dancing
though… most of the people in the audiance were just standing and staring
the occasional guy shouting lyrics
only about ten people (maybe) dancing around me
near the end of the show [Hotel]
i was jumping up and down
and the lights were high on the house
the lead singer said
“and that song was for the guy with the long beard in the red shirt:
Enthusiam keeps you alive”
and then a few girls jumped towards me asking if they could touch my beard
and have their pictures taken with me
after that
they played “lover’s spit”
and the lead singer climbed down into the audiance
and spent about five minutes walking around huging everyone
i felt so good being there
that i’m considering talking to the scalpers and seeing if i can get tickets for either tomorrow or saturday’s show.
after the show
i tried to give the lead singer $20 for downloading his music
he said “it’s ok: it’s your’s to download”
and didn’t take it.
(shrugs)
love love loved it.
and even though it was cold
and i was feeling pretty shitty
i knew Nowhere was on the way home
so i stopped by to see if i could find my keys
(re: two days ago)
when i walked in
i saw Stephin sitting on a stool in the middle of the room
talking to… X!
so strange to see him in a bar: he doesn’t drink (ever)
i asked the bartender if he had my keys
and lo and behold
he did.
i think this is the FIRST time i’ve ever found something i’ve lost.
i got a whiskey and water to celebrate the finding of the keys
and sat with X and S to chat
feeling
yet again
a struggle with my pretentions
i don’t want to be a pretentious midwestern kid
i don’t want to steer my energy towards making people like me
— it never worked for me as a kid
and it makes me feel terrible when i do it now
but often here in NYC i find myself around people who are stars
or in close orbits with them
and i find myself trying to impress them
and it’s gross
i just want to be myself
and wish i were a bit more impressive on my own merrit…
and/or away from all of this and never have to deal with it
ah… the crux of my dichotomy of desires
Chris (who’d been working the coat room)
showed up
we talked about Mamma Mabley
and Pearl … Baley?
women i didn’t know
ah, the good ole days
C left
smoking with S outside
i found myself making comments about people
‘ he’s kinda unstable ‘ – i said
“compared to who?” – he said
yeah.
S left
i talked with X for a while
i was very tired and shitty feeling
so said i wanted to go home
he said he’d walk with me and take the J to his place
(he could’ve just taken the L . . . )
it was so fucking cold
we stopped at Odessa to sit and talk and eat a bit ( he wasn’t hungry, i was )
and the conversation went where it always goes:
how i’m lying to myself and everyone all the time
how i’m manipulating people
trying to make them like me
believing that i don’t deserve the love i really want
and that the only thing i can give people is sex
and how he was a Real and True friend to me
and i lost him
Ugh.
this is so tiring
and sad
and
not true.
not entirely true.
in part, all of it, yes
but the perspective is all wrong
and the delivery is done with no compassion
i’ve got my own world to live through
and must grow in my own way
and don’t think psychiatrists and pills are the answer to my problems.
No.
so he was put off
i was closed down
and we seperated
he walked back up to the L
and i jumped on a bus that dropped me at Rivington and Essex
walked home
so cold
glad i had my keys again, though
and did a pretty good job of putting myself to bed on
(at 3 am)