what i'm afraid of

bigger than me?
-yeah
i want somebody bigger than me
maybe i’ve been working on the wrong metaphor this whole time
i want someone that can forgive me
can hold me
can comfort me
can understand me when i’m confused
yeah
i know
i should seek to understand before being understood
but
… it’s just something i want.
——————
-tired of it-
yakov often said
“if everyone says your drunk
lie down
— even if you don’t believe them”
i countered with
‘ i often only throw up when i lie down when i’m drunk ‘
but i wasn’t entirely missing the message
i just couldn’t apply it
even Leo was harping on me today about how i can’t be with anyone because i’m not accepting them for who they are
(not exactly drawing the line, but jumbling it into)
i needed to take responsibility for my own life
which i hear all the time
that it’s me me me
who has the trouble
not everyone i point the finger at
and really
i’m only getting angry at them because they’re stressed out beyond their norm
and not being able to show me the attention i desire
in the way i desire it
not to say they even COULD under normal circumstances
but all logic makes it clear that they certainly couldn’t when they’re completely stressed out
but i’m tired of being the one to bow down
to let my needs go by the side
to help someone else
and that’s what i’ve been doing for years
yes
many people have called me an “Angel”
but i’m not
i’m a person
i’m a human too
and i often feel like i’m taking responsibility for the world before myself
expecting (hoping?) that it takes care of me in the process
but that’s just not working
i’m tired of the one who has to sit and listen
be compassionate and understanding
do the comforting
i’m good at it
i’m grateful for my talent
but i want some too.
i want more.
it’s time i give that energy to myself
but i don’t want to give it all to myself
that’s dumb
who cares about self-satisfied assholes?
i don’t need to be another one
so why am i acting out?
why are multiple people calling me a “Brat”?
== for many years i’ve been living in fear
being afraid that what little i had
i would lose
being afraid that where i was staying
i would get kicked out
if i pushed my needs to the front
if i didn’t satisfy my host
.. what’s the term for a reverse-parasite?
i’ve put myself in situations for years where i was the one stuck in the side of someone’s life
but they were feeding me
lending me their car
their house
their apartment
sure
they weren’t using it
but they were giving it to me
not unconditionally
but because i was being their angel
and like my father
all loving was done on the condition that i played my part of the role
but with my father
i had rejected him and hated everything he stood for
it didn’t matter:
i had my mother doing the conditional loving with him
so she could do the unconditional loving with me
she’s surpressed her needs and desires through her relationship with him
but it’s allowed her children to have access to his assets
mother sacrificing herself for her offspring
how terrible
when the monster is the mate.
yeah
i’ve known this story my whole life
it’s been hovering at the edge of light
round the fire at night
i’ve known it’s been there
and i’ve always been able to put off dealing with it
being a good fire builder
and bunk-mate
i could get away with not fetching the wood or the food
but i’m tired of that too
in the last few years
i’ve set out to support myself
and on conditions i choose
so i’m not working jobs on the payroll
giving much of my earnings to an insane government bend on destruction
i’m not working jobs that crush my soul
i work on my own terms
but i give OF myself in my work
i give my precious inner true self to my clients
and it eats away at me
unless i’m constantly replenishing myself, of course
which i’m often not.
often not.
but it worries me when my mates are tired
my friends
when i sleep with them and they wake up exhausted
are they losing their energy
to sleep with me
who’s given most of his away?
no, sorry: who’s sold it.
how do people work jobs that are true and of themselves
with out depleting themselves?
lots of dancing?
perversion?
twisting?
no no
just Boundaries.
i can sell you only THIS much.
drawing a line
… SOME draw very fancy lines
some are more simple.
i want the whole world to be free and open
but it’s just not.
i want us all to take care of eachother
to understand eachother
i don’t want to accept that we never will.
one time i was at bagby hot springs
i took mushrooms with two friends
and they left me in the water to go have their own experiences
in the process
i made a deal with the world that she would protect and heal me
if i helped bring people back from the perverted world of man
(cement, rubber, plastic, money…)
to nature…
“start by making people walk barefoot”
she said she would heal me…
in that process
i went through all of the ways i (my ego) was connected with the world
and she and i untied the knots
set me free
at the last one
she said
“this is the last one
if you untie this
you will lose your body.”
yes yes! let’s do it!
“your body will float to the top of the water
you will . . . die ”
yes yes, ok, let’s go!
“your friends will come back
tripping on mushrooms
and find you dead
— a girl who’s known you since you were two
and a boy who’s out in the forest mourning the death of his brother right now
you will be leaving your body like a piece of shit for them to clean up
and the hot springs will be closed down because someone died in the waters”
oh… i see.
ok
– i stood up from the tub heaving for air
and slung myself over the side
falling back into the water
at one with the world
every thought and feeling i had
was being expressed through the birds in the trees
the wind in the trees
the chipmunks
singing my soul
S & Z got back and found me
unable to speak
unable to stand
i crashed against the wooden deck
they tried to drag me through the forest
the sun shining into my eyes
i closed them and disappeared
when i woke
i was with two very nice people
they were offering me gatorade
i remember looking at them
and when i found my voice i said
“I would rather die than live in your world”
they just kept smiling at me
and offered me another sip
saying
“Drink up”