what i thought was so important

i just woke up from a dream
i went to some bear weekend somewhere
some campground

whoever i went with
i lost pretty quickly
i got stoned
i forgot to set up my tent
i tucked my camera behind someone’s lounge chair
out in the forest, on a back-cut path
there was a large board of pictures someone had posted
advertisements for their new porn company

then men all had hair long enough that it was wavy and flowing
beards, or long sideburns
rough-cut denim and corduroy
sharp bright eyes

some young guy
but then, JYD ( the guy i was with in the only porn video i’ve ever done)
and i whipped my head around looking for him
and there he was
looking younger, fitter, slimmer, but still very strong
sexy, but more than that: mystical

and he was there with his New Partner
away from the S&M lifestyle
they were like sex gypsies or something
some wandering family of sexiness and magic

i felt my throat catch as i tried to speak with him
because, again
my heart was overflowing with passion
which he was happy to receive in adoration (he’s a Leo)
but there was no way it was going to go anywhere
i say Again
because, at least in the dream (and partially in reality) i had this overwhelming feeling of my affections and desires only being able to unleash into areas that were closed
a despairing confusion of my heart
closed and suspicious in all areas
but those unaccessible to me
so safe! (so boring)

i wandered away on the path thinking this
watching the sun shine on some man’s blond hairy chest
and a feeling of panic
of not knowing where i was going to camp, where my stuff was

i rushed out of it into waking
wondering what JYD is doing (all my heart-sore about Leos smarting in my chest, head, Mind)
wondering what memorial day weekend bear event is happening right now
maybe i was just there?
sunny day, setting up
maybe i dipped into some events yesterday

falling back in the bed
and thought about how i wasn’t writing
wasn’t writing down any of my dreams
why did i ever think any of this was important?

and hearing david byrne’s voice
“go to sleep…
we’re selling all your dreams…
dreams for sale
sell them back to you…”

thinking of the dreams i’ve had the last few nights
all mush in my mind now
yet how horrifying they were
family, traveling
prison
hunted by cops
me and some friends
killed someone?
don’t know
my black friend (no idea who he was, but he was a black friend of mine)
wrote a book, had a book signing
got arrested at the signing, of course:
he was a convicted felon on the run

i dashed
me and my fat-girl-friend wound up in a thrift store in seattle
cops came in
and i lay on the floor with her on top of me
kissing me (or pretending to)
to block my view
the cop left
and she pointed at a sign on the wall
“real dungeons down stairs!
access all of seattle’s old sewars and catacombs this way!”
so i dashed through the door
down the hall
past the bathrooms
through the kitchen
down the stairs
down down
to walk through a huge rock-hewn hall
there, stirring
was a gigantic monster
like an ogre
human monster beast thing
50 times the size of a man
stirred from its sleep
now two of them
chasing me
i tried to run back up the stairs
and one of them punched through the wall
hand grasping at me

to wake up

. . .

this morning i woke before the sunrise
went out to piss
take pictures of the valley
the sun
the clouds
the haze (from china)
drank my piss
watered the fig tree
tried to go back to sleep

but no…

i went to take pictures of Leo
then tried to go back to sleep

no…

played the newly-downloaded solitare on my phone
(one of my biggest time-wasters through my life.. next to porn… music… distractions from my focus)
i was thinking of how i knew these things were just wasting my time
but instead of stopping them
i just forgot
and blindly continued

oh dear, desperate world
how do i save myself from the fog?

Leo called to me from his bedroom
i went in and got in bed with him
talked for a while
and started humping his thigh
he got up to piss
got back in bed
we continued our conversation
and i decided to jack off on his belly
then
yes
then
sleep

to dream
to dream of a bear weekend
and JYD
and the misplaced affections of my heart
my sloth
and the dissolution of all i once found important.