what i did today

i had a dream last night
i was shoping at some flea market type thing
there were all sorts of old Macintosh computers
and i was thinking about buying one
the guy who ran the booth was really putting on a soft/hard sell
telling me all the great properties about one of them
and why i should buy it
it looked so different
“that’s the intel from before they had motorola making their chips: it’s a collectors item”
‘but what speed is it?’
it can’t even run OSX
it suddenly occurred to me that this thing
was totally useless to me
i felt like i’d been negotiating on it for hours
wasting my whole day
on something i couldn’t even use
and had no other value to me what so ever…
…
i woke up feeling really groggy
grey
damp
stuffy
my face felt swollen
i wasn’t sure which body i was in
i heard Blue talking with Goat
and moved through the house slowly
— they’d gone outside now
when i saw Blue
we talked about stuff
and everything he brought up
i instantly denounced everything he said
“oh, lake county”
“oh, chicago”
“oh, new york”
“shortbus”
somewhere in that fog
i caught myself
and shut up
and listened
then noticed he had a really cool belt buckle.
i left the house about on time
still feeling all off
got to the RFD office
and mish wasn’t there
this is always the way:
i get somewhere on time
and the other person isn’t there
so what should i do?
i went on line
to move around my netflix queue
then thought of another idea:
i would tell my fucking father what i thought about his fucking email
so i wrote this:
Larry
i have to tell you
this email made me angry all day yesterday
What Was Offensive To You In The Pictures I Gave You A Link To?
of the pictures on that page
there were about four of Goat and I
we weren’t having sex
we were just together
of the pictures on that page
were more of me
and things i love
what was so offensive to you?
the beautiful colors of the turning leaves?
the rocks?
the views?
was it the Intimacy?
you replied to me by sending me just as many pictures of all sorts of
people that were close to eachother
people loving eachother
people touching eachother
people nervous
people happy
people having emotions
what was so offensive to you of the pictures of my life?
it is NOT OK for me to live by denying my emotions
it doesn’t work too well for you either, buddy
and it’s what made your father so sick
so
honestly
it’s not a working solution
you’re going to have to feel your pain eventually
if you choose to do it when your brain has been blown out and your
heart has been re-routed 5 times
so be it
but while you’re still healthy and able
i really suggest you get into your heart
and START emotionally connecting with the people around you
i cannot have you in my life if you deny my feelings and love
it hurts me
i will not be a man who’s wife will not sleep with him
i will not be a man who ignores his children to watch TV
because he cannot deal with his feelings
your style of life is unacceptable to me too, buddy
but you’re connected to a whole bunch of people i love
and try as i might to get them to leave you in the dust chewing on
your cold fingers alone
they love you
no matter how much you mock them and how much you neglect them
they have more patience and tolerance than i
— i got my stubbornness from you
but
thank god
i’ve had some better emotional role models than you
i’m sorry i have to write such an angry letter
but this is not just my problem
and it is so hard for me to love
i work so hard at it
and i’m not good at it.
and i love you
and i’m tired of having to put forth the effort to have you step back
and close the door
i don’t need you making me feel like shit anymore
you’re going to have to work harder for it if you want love from me
you’re going to have to shoulder some of the burden
whatever pain you feel from interracting with me
you’re going to have to feel it and deal with it
or you’re not getting anything from me.
i have a world of people who love me
and you’re a thorn in my side
everytime you reject me
you make it harder for me to love those around me
i wish it weren’t so
if you want an In The Future with me
you’re going to have to give a bit more of yourself
(and i don’t mean computers and cars and cash)
you cannot just tell me Not To Live as i with to LIVE
and i would rather you not just swallow your emotions and bottle it up
it’s time for you to Deal
SON
On 11/28/06, Larry wrote:
Nick, I hope you enjoy these pictures.
In the future, Please Don’t Send Me Links To Pictures Like The Ones Behind This Reply. DAD
——————-
then i started work on RFD
mish had created the table of contents last night
then
somehow
erased it
as i was descovering this
he arrived
(i had poured over that letter for about an hour to make sure i really wanted to send it: i did — with two big fingers at the screen as it went)
after a few breaths
we started working
and i recreated the TOC from one of his printouts
— everything went along fine
the day went by
the rains came
tonight: Ice
they say…
it is good to have this Magazine to distract me from myself
isn’t that why most people go to work?
as i left the office
i decided to come into the shop
use the toilet
do some computer stuff
and write this
— i’m terrified now
of what my family will say
i had thought of just calling my brother/syster/mother
and talking with them instead of writing that to my dad
— we’ve always served as emotional buffers against him
but it’s not fair
he deserves my wrath
more than they deserve my vent
— i once wrote a letter to him
(with the idea of sending it to him for his birthday in 2002.. when i was “stuck” in amsterdam with a million piscese everywhere…)
a letter expressing all of my emotions to him
all of my fears and desires
all of my anger
… i didn’t send it
— i came to the realization that i deserved, in a sense, all he had done to me
because i did the same to him
and
it might be argued
that he should have set a better example
i, being the younger
probably just did to him what i did
because he taught me how to do it
and i was naturally inclined to be better than him at it
i asked for forgiveness
and dismissed me
telling me to forget about it
and so i’ve tried
but now i realize
it’s not reality to have even emotions all the time
that things just pass and it’s over
forgive and forget
my seas are fucking stormy
and he’s my antipode
(my house of relationships is piscese… all about daddy, all about daddy)
but after sending this letter
what will he do?
have a heart attack?
lash out at my mother/syster/brother?
will they be angry?
will they be hurt?
will he be a man
(ha, his words)
and appologize and have a conversation with me?
i dunno
it’s nice
my chest is heaving
i feel all gittery
i’m scared.
but i want a fire storm
i need things to change
i’ve got two voicemails on my phone
maybe one is from him?