this is only now

From: (Anonymous)
Date: February 4th, 2010 01:39 pm (local)
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Where’s your compassion? They must feel so lost. They’ll never know who they really are and they are running out of time. You sound like you hate them . . .but you seem like someone who would love them.
(Reply) (Thread)

there is no
They

I am reflecting self hatred
we are lost

I hate myself
I do my best

I struggle along my own path, learning how to love
taking the paths I find more than I create

I envy people who I perceive as taking an easy route
yet succeding
I believe true living comes through suffering
and the purity is distilled through the process of suffering, making life more Real

remnants of my childhood, past lives, or perceptions upon this life

I often forget we choose our battles, and that which I fixate on
others find trivial: we all have different points of focus

I may be using this
as many may have
to justify my own wallowing in failure, pain and delusion
but I am only aware it is what I am doing occasionally
and I have not yet figured how to make right actions based on my understandings
so I am yet condemned to suffer

in the realm of suffering
I sometimes glimpse salvation
even occasionally inspiring others to freedom
but mostly compounding my own and inflicting more upon others
I often dream, however, my suffering is a necessary task in existence
and I am doing my part

for i am doing what I do
thus it is my duty
until I am appointed another task
for whatever reason
or none

I am aware
I may decide otherwise at any time
I may understand why, or be completely unaware of the change

but this is now.

This
is Now.

Today
I was telling a friend about this
a Virgo
masters of judgement
and healing

he told me
when ever he finds himself judging someone in his head
he says to them, in his head,
I Love You
and it is better

I smiled
and said “that’s a clever trick”

then used it all day

but again
“sometimes I forget completely”
“unconscious and insane I spill sad energy everwhere”
and I have gone through a long period of silence
which has done me no good
and I am done with now

I only know my life when I tell my story
so even if I am saying hurtful things now
in time I will understand
I have been besieged most of my life by mine sleeping ego
and the hoards of countless others

experiences thought and unsaid
are also benifit when heard
all that is needed to cure a disease is to be fully present to it

this is just a deep inhale

in a long story

what I am grateful for
is I rarely inflict this upon people directly anymore
so I am at least growing in that regaurd
but that it still grows in my garden
requires some tending

this is how we roll
merrilly
along