this is my way of saying "good bye"

i keep listening to “Videotape”
who is Mephistopholies?
it was pounding in my head phones today
as i walked up from the underground
sun out for a moment
thom said
“this is my way of saying
good bye
.
.
.
coz i can’t do it
face to face”
on video tape.
on video tape…
and i started to cry
just the start
you know the part
where your heart opens up
cracks
things pour out
seep out
the rush of the flood
almost.
almost
the rush of the flood
we boys have strong dams
we can keep it in
choking it back.
i sat
waiting for yacov
pulling the empty bottles out of the flower bed
throwing them away
the plastic bags
the beer cans
throwing them away
getting my hands
dirty
die.
you know
i’ve been masturbating.
i’ve been having sex
i’ve been seeing the world.
those kids have been making clothes.
those kids have been making bootlegs.
those kids have been making pictures.
i’m ebbing away
and i’ve always wanted to die.
it seems so sad!
but hey
i’ve always been sad.
i’m a sad guy
the sad is so deep and so big
i’m smiling around it all the time
i’m laughing
i’m dancing
it’s fun
there is so much joy and life everywhere
i just don’t know what to do with it all
i just want to die
i don’t want to die
i don’t really want anything
i don’t really get it
i don’t know what i am supposed to be doing
who is Mephistopholies?
am i going to disappear?
is that possible?
yacov really wants to keep me alive.
there are other people who might want to keep me alive
they all make me angry
i guess i run and hide from them
often they don’t really help
they just have good intentions
maybe i just need to
let go.
“When Mephistopholis
is just beneath
And he’s reaching up
to grab me”