he said
“you have a knack for attracting people to you who have the same pathologies as you
but are less aware, less in control
so you can point the finger
instead of doing your own shit”
‘i USED TO!’
i defended
‘ i am weeding them out of my life, hardly have any left ‘
i paused, my mind knowing i was not entirely being truthful about that one
‘ i’m still learning ‘
he said
” Yeah?
well
you can only do second grade so many times…
besides
you don’t need to score a 100 on every test ”
i said
‘ but i’m working on it
i got an apartment here
first one i’ve ever had like this…
not my own yet… but first rent i’ve paid since ’99
— i’m being stationary for a while
so i can acheive all the things i want to acheive
that i can only do while i’m standing still ‘
” but you’re not doing that ”
‘ what? ‘
” you’re not doing that, are you?
you haven’t been here since you’ve been here ”
‘well, i’ve been to Tennessee and boston and philly… but i’m HERE
i’m Based here
.. it’s inertia
i’ve gotta slow down before i can settle
i’m slowing… ‘
he said
“you should take some writing courses”
the idea hadn’t even occurred to me!
“that’s your passion. you want to be a writer, don’t you?”
‘ i am a writer… i don’t want to be a fucking journalist! ‘
“what, you don’t want to write editorials.. only want to write about yourself?”
he said
” it’s time you started living your passion
not just jumping into
and surfing on the passion of other people you encounter in the world ”
– i feel like he’s not known me since i was 19…
and
as i’ve often witnessed in relationships
ours will always be the same as the day we met
Fixed
but i’ve grown.
he said
” you should get yourself a therapist ”
i make snide
dismissive comments
but then say
‘ i’ve been thinking about it
everyone else seems to have one in this town … ‘
i’m scared, aren’t i?
he says
” i once told you there are those who can do it alone and others that need help…
but it’s really hard to give yourself a heart operation or brain surgery ”
he said
” it’s not healthy!
you’re having sex with these men
and that is the main event
that’s what their paying for
not how good of a massage you give
and it’s not good for your..”
he holds his hand vertical in front of his face and stammers
‘ my integrity ‘
“Yeah!”
right.
” you should be doing that with people you love and care for
and there should be no dollar amound…
anywhere NEAR it!
you’re all about pleasing these older men
and sex for sex
and it’s giving yourself away
and it’s wasting
…
and you’ve got such potential…
but maybe that’s all it’s ever gonna be
who the fuck are you?
do you know who you are?
go find out who you are!
”
“we’ve all been waiting”
they said.
0 thoughts on “the [hysterical] voice of reason”
Anonymous
The brother lovingly comments…
So this is the thing, the very quintessential dilemma I’ve always had about your journey. It is so sad and confusing to me at times. Sad because I know the heaviest weight around your neck is who you are, who you were and where you’ve come from. Confusing because for someone so filled to the brim with love, so intelligent and so vastly more experienced than most people sharing this place, you are working your way through it so maybe I should be too.
However, my past is slowly fading away into nothing but pleasant memories. All the bad ones don’t seem to be paying their rent. It seems to me that the past is inherently unable to be a barrier or an obstacle. We’ve already come through it and it didn’t stop us then. How can it stop us now? But it is… a bit. I’ve whored myself out to myself. I owe myself an eight year credit binge that I sold my late twenties for. Here I am dealing with my past financially. That said, I have the upper hand on myself because I know what I want.
It seems to me, and I bring this up in a community of your friends and lovers for their input, that the first couple paragraphs of that dialogue are conversations that you and I have had many times and are an extremely accurate portrayal of your subconscious. Perhaps you’re trying out a dialogue exercise and I’m the judgmental prick. But like I said, the heaviest weight for you is who you are and who you were. You seem to me, in your own way, to be going through the same purgatory I am because we have this inability to reach for who we will be. It is just life, and it happens while you’re busy making other plans (J.L.), but certainly fate or destiny doesn’t apply to us. We are more in control of ourselves than that. Yet we won’t be. We don’t seem able to take a lot of those steps (those steps of course being very different in our respective journeys).
What is the next thing we can do to move ourselves along the path rather than be caught in it? As your older brother, I should be able to offer some advice. But I’m currently unable to sleep and have to go to work in three hours, and most importantly don’t have the answers for myself. I’ve got to pay the pimp of self-defilement, excess and debauchery. You finish a writing course. I’ll lose weight so I don’t go the way of our grandfather, and so that I can enjoy all the physical stuff I used to do so often. What do you say, back below 190lbs. Then maybe we can catch the lights in the desert.
Mushy at 3:00 AM. I’ll talk to you soon. Much love always.
ednixon
The Heart Is Deceitful
Wow, great book Dominic.
“Who would have thought that there were so many truckstop devotees of cross-dressing children in West Virginia? Sarah is expected to bless truckers and then walk on water. ”
I’ll reccommend it to Randy the Dirty Trucker,
who is in West Virginia tonight. He has a new
White/Volvo rig that he is very proud of, this is
it; http://ednixon.com/no/2005/dirtytruck/
ednixon
China Blue
Bob, huh ? as in
http://www.subgenius.com/
It must have been last October
when I had an Avis Fiat Punto.
http://ednixon.com/no/2004/ebmc2004/fiatpunto/
Here’s George Schieibner from Turin,
me, and Christiaan Van DenBosse of VRT Television
http://ednixon.com/no/2004/ebmc2004/Saturday_show/150-5100_IMG.jpg
at said event.
It was a really great time, hope to replicate
it this year in Rhodes..
And as for the massage business, what woudl China Blue do ?
http://www.dvd-forum.at/neuigkeiten/cover/china-blue-bei-tag-und-nacht.jpg
to say nothing of Anthony Pehttp://www.americanphoto.co.jp/photosearch/Previews/CIN01002_374.jpgrkins
Woofs, baby.
dominicvine in reply to ednixon
Re: China Blue, cherry vanilla
the new China Blue
is Cherry Vanilla
http://www.bookslut.com/features/2003_12_001154.php
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/158234146X/102-0849367-2573728?v=glance
i guess we all do what we feel like
morals are so
LAST CENTURY!
on the EBMC front
i don’t know
never done it
but i hope you have a great trip in Rhodes…
i’ll just hang around Rhode Island
and cop a feel there…
me a bob
walking on the beach…
bigredpaul
When you feel like you are not enjoying what you are doing, when you feel you are doing something because you are being expected to do it and not for the joy and love of it, that’s when you shouldn’t be doing it. If you are deriving some joy from your clients, and you are providing some joy in their lives, then you are creating more love in the world, which is all to the good.
You know as well as I that you have to screen your clients very carefully, and you must avoid the overtly lecherous. You provide a very special and intimate service that is an act of love and beauty and healing, but also one that you must remain in control of – allowing your client to take that away from you is dangerous. Remember, you do not have to do anything that harms you or your clients. But only you can decide that for you.
I love you, Dom.
dominicvine in reply to bigredpaul
Hmmmm, Thank you Paul
well put
i want to massage eachother and cuddle and sleep and talk again!
sorry about the country between us…
i’ll see you in July !
HUGS
ednixon
huh ?
Therapy indeed. Never had it.
I think the person you were having the discussion with (was it an internal dialouge ?) greedily wants you all to himself and thus is trying to impose unwanted disdain for the non monagamus polyfidelity society of Berkeley.
We know that Leo would never do that, why should the unnamed critical
therapy pusher ? I’ve never had “therapy”, don’t understand, and most
of those that do this regularly seem really messed up, some (the dentist)
more than others (our friend John , up Sunset Plaza)
Hey, you are more powerful than any of those self important control queens.
Make your own decisions and live your own life.
dominicvine in reply to ednixon
Re: huh ?
i was subjected to Therapists for years as a youth
my parents dissatisfaction with my being gay
hating school
shoplifting out of boredom
hating indiana
tons of “therapy”
i would reduce my “therapists” to tears
they would demand i take pills
and i would refuse
my mother would agree: no pills for me
what’s the piont?
“your son has the intelligence of someone who’s graduated high school already”
‘ oh good, mom, does that mean i can stop going to junior high? ‘
“hmmmm, No.”
what’s the use?
almost every American i know in this city has had or Has a Therapist
they have intense relationships with them.
they pay.
this is also a type of prostitution!
i am the same…
i listen to and talk with all my clients
often just as much as i push their flesh and fluids and emotions around…
i’ve always desired to have friends i can work out my shit with
friends and lovers
fuck fragmenting it into someone i have to pay
as i said
i have distain for that way of being
but
when in Rome..?
anyway
i’m older now
i repect people’s ways of doing things…
even if they are elaborate ways to fixate on things…
neith you nor i are east coast folk, Frank…
(at the dinner party i was at tonight
a Bob said you gave him a ride back to Brussels once…)
and yes
i’ve always felt
pretty Frankly
that he’s a control queen trying to possess and control me…
he’s certainly not Leo
(it’s Leo’s birthday today!)
but he is a Leo (astrologically)
and… that’s just they way they are.
desire=attraction=love=posession=identity
Whatever.
naylandblake in reply to dominicvine
Re: huh ?
For me, therapy is narrating myself with a witness – it’s a path I’ve chosen in recent years, but certainly not something I would just recommend across the board. The money is important – it’s part of the ritual. It isn’t just a compartment to put my feelings in, but a relationship that gives me a way to reflect on all my relationships.
That said, I don’t think it makes sense for you to do right now.
xanmeo
Big day, huh?
All the comments are valid. Sure is fucked up world. The only thing I can think is: Do you have friends? Is there love in your life?
Yes. Yes. Everything is fine. You have beauty in your life. Put a little love in there, and it’spretty good. Keep writing.
dominicvine in reply to xanmeo
Re: Big day, huh?
i dunno if i have friends
i mean
OF Course i do!
but i’m not often around them
and because i’ve left them so many times
i question how good a friend i am…
and i have love in my life
but it’s a love on the end of a telephone (signal)
email
heart-beat baby
drives you mad
in the stillness of remembering
what you had
?
sorry
love?
there’s some care.
the universe loves me
i love me
others love me
but i’m very non-attatched these days
and Love has an attatched nature
some desire:
make a baby
make a home
a company
a sculpture
a book?
some progeny
and i don’t have that love
that passion
so how can others have it with me?
love.
i’ve never thought i’ve had enough love
it took me a long time to find love
and when i did
it’s all been pretty etherial
as said
i’m Learning!
Yes.
everything is fine.
[lots to work on]
there is so much beauty…
beastbriskett
That was pretty frank. Brutally frank. Remove the judgement, and it seems there’s caring there.
dominicvine in reply to beastbriskett
yeah
i love this kid
and he loves me
to an extent
i credit him with giving me the inspiration to have faith in myself to travel
he’s always seen something wonderful in me
famous
fabulous!
that’s fine
but he’s also always been a bit attatched to having it with me
and yes
he’s very judgemental
and impatient
and not very compassionate
still
it’s love
yet
i always remind people
hitler did what he did out of love too…
love is often a twisted intention
but i respect it as love
— he’s not in my life daily
… not even yearly.
it was a chance occurance
meeting on the street today…
and i appreciate his perception
— and i’m happy that i’ve grown enough to not get triggered as much by it anymore
still
it’s grist for the mill
HUGS
daddytodd
Why is getting some living expenses in exchange for sex detrimental to one’s integrity? We live in a money economy; it would be nice if those with a knack for farming would do it for love, and if those with a knack for cooking would offer their dishes out of pride, but we don’t exist in such a world. We exist in a world where we trade what we’re good at for an economic abstraction called “money”, which we then trade for food, shelter, and CDs.
In a sexual economy such as the one we live in, where sex is plentiful and free, you must surely be offering something very special if men are willing to exchange money for it. Finding someone to “get off” with is easy; what you share transcends physical release, and is realtively rare. That’s how it felt to me, anyway.
I usually feel “spent” after a sexual encounter; like I’ve given more than I received. With you, I felt it was an exchange in which you gave me at least as much energy as I gave you. Few men are as giving as you.
In my opinion, you are very special, very precious and very wonderful. I’m really glad we got the chance to play. It was a very special hour we spent together last February, one I’ll never forget.
bigredpaul in reply to daddytodd
Personally, I don’t take clients because I am sexually attracted to them; I take them on because I want to help them heal. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had clients who have expected me to perform sexually for them, and it’s a very uncomfortable position to be in.
Dom is very special, but that specialness will be crushed out of him if he doesn’t set good boundaries for himself, whatever those may be.
dominicvine in reply to bigredpaul
i actually don’t screen my clients much
and take on any client that isn’t a total flakey freak
regaurdless of what they look like
doing the massage is not about sex
simple
that being said
of course
some push me towards that
when it’s not where i want to go
sometimes it just makes the massage boring:
i can’t give them a good massage
they’re not open to receiving
and they’re being annoying
at worst i have to stop them and tell them the session is over and i’m leaving
the trouble i’ve been having since i’ve been here is
i changed my ad to let people know that i am attracted to big hairy older men
because many massures on that site state they won’t work on chubby hairy older men!
consequently
i’ve got quite a few men i’ve found adoreable!
and forgotten that they’ve come to me for healing
and i get distracted and want to play with them
and i run up against their wound
like a huge wave with a nasty undertow
and i find myself caught up in their pain and swirling
and lost
head over heels underwater
scraping against the sand
washing ashore days later and wondering how i got there…
this has happened a few times
however
after coughing up a few good lung-fulls of dirty salt-water
i’m getting my sea legs even for this clime…
dominicvine in reply to daddytodd
nourishment
i whole-heartedly agree with you
the fact is
i always felt like a whore working in the corporate computer world (though i, admittedly, didn’t do it for very long)
and a dirty one at that…
i figure
if i’m going to prostitue myself
i’d rather it be something i enjoy
and the fact is
people always remark on
what a remarkable lover i am
not meaning to be arrogant
but
as you mention
i often feel kinda drained
or
like i put on a show
and got some applause and some good laughs
but i wanted a play mate
not an audiance
getting paid for “it”
gives SOME nourishment back to me
and still allows me to feel good giving what i’m good at giving
what i enjoy doing
in such succulent ways!
and
that all being said
i don’t really sell sex
which is his disagreement:
i get them off
often with a blow job
because i love sucking cock
sometimes just with my hand…
sometimes rubbing my body all over them
Sometimes
i waid til i’m done massaging them
and i have full out sex with them!
because i want to..
sex for sex?
well yes
but it’s only rare that i get someone who i can make love with
or make magic with
should we starve because not every meal is a grand feast?
play is so important
it’s Fun
and we learn from it too!
but, where i agree with him is
often
people pay for sex
not expecting the massage
that’s a trick i pull out of my sleeve that blows them away
— give them an amazing loving massage
but Their intention is not in integrity
therefore
the energy i receive from them is not an energy coming directly from a pure source
but from a muddled and confused one
as in
“sex for sex”
men who fuck coz
they “wanna fuck that hot hole”
as opposed to
“wanting to unify in love” or some such trite wording of that eternity
when the energy comes through from a dignified intention
it flows directly into me and fortifies me
if it’s messy and chaotic
it does that to me
unless i specifically take it and transmute it
which, to an extent, is my job
but i am a lazy human sometimes…