the art teacher

so this cold has been kicking my ass
customary mercury retrograde
(though i’ve not got sick the past few… this is odd…)
it’s Winter.
and it’s Pisces into Aquarius
what’s that mean?
well
i had a dream a few nights ago
i was in so much pain
so uncomfortable
that i decided to try ephemerally altering my body’s composition
so i though giving myself perspective would work better
however
when i tried to LEAVE my body
i couldn’t
i was stuck
just shoving myself further up into the left shoulder
making myself small…
that wasn’t working
so i tried the opposite
summoning all of my consciousness
and pouring into my body
super-saturating it.
this made me pass out.
and through the night
i woke up many times
drifing in and out of dreams
in my dreams
i was creating things i needed with my raw life force:
a potion to heal myself
the perfect lover
a new job!
a new house!
harnesing energy from the infinite stars
sky
Space
so i thought
but somehow my physical body
or soul
was suffering starvation effects
and i was dying off
so i’d wake up (in this reality)
suffocating
(blocked nose, closed mouth)
and quickly pull my energy back
pull it up
try and balance it out
Yesterday
Sr SoAmI could tell i was really fucked up
he did a little massage on my head
saying i had a fever
and how i should probably go home and rest
but the house is cold
and quite dusty
and would not help my current affliction
what i wanted was a warm bath
with salts…
he asked if i knew anyone..
well
i sent a message to a guy i knew in Murf
and he was having a dinner party
so i cruised through the other guys i knew in Murf on silverdaddies
some guy i’d never seen before
i contacted him
and he was quite alright with the idea
after i spend too long at the shop
buying my plane tickets to NYC, then Oakland (to catch my flight to Hawaii)
(so, if you’re curious, i’m leaving Nashville on the 7th of March for NYC. leaving NYC to Oakland the morning of the 14th. flying out of Oakland that same evening to get into Hilo late at night… to live there for some time)
so when i got to Pappa’s house in Murf
he did a quick job of sussing me out
and i set the bath to fill
oh, he didn’t have a bath-stopper
so i rolled up a wash cloth
and didn’t have a big water heater
so the bath was tepid
but it was still nice
and he had about 80 plants in his house (i mean, a lot)
and a big dopey/sweet rotwieler
he’s a scorpio
and very tall
he gave me space
and then i crawled into his big soft bed
shivering
shivering
he came and joined me
we cuddled and talked
and i got carried away into sex
(oh, i haven’t written about it, i know: but i was at a faery gathering last weekend in oregon having sex as often as i wished for it… and haven’t had any since!)
so when i came
i was totally drained of energy and shivering again
he freaked out
pappa
wanting to give me asprin or something
i was so hot
fever came back with a vengence
i told him to just give me a moment
i ate some coconut oil
and meditated
the same feeling came back to me:
i was pouring too much energy into manifesting other things Besides myself
i clicked into place like a rubix cube
everything suddenly becoming distinct and clear:
YES
so much oppurtunity
not enough actuality
a HA!
another lesson from saturn
i appreciate it…
i slept.
i fell to sleep around 8pm, i guess
felt like i’d slept all night
but woke around 10
SHOCKED!
all these fever dreams
i slept more
kept waking
shifting positions
sweating
and dreaming
this morning
i felt much better
and the sickness changed from flowing pounding illness
to sublte green phlem in my sinuses
i’m on the way back up
this man
and i
we lay in bed for hours this morning talking
he is an art teacher
his daughter is crazy
and warns her children he will try something
as she also accuses him of putting the make on his husband
it’s hard for him to live here in TN
and he’s never heard of the faeries.
he was an art teacher
and his house is filled with plants
as it was once filled with cats
as it has a room filled with birds now
he has pottery and paintings
on the walls
of and by his dead lovers
he’s 65
and a scorpio
and two lovers of his have died of AIDS
and he’s not afraid of death
still
i found myself giving him a 101 in Shamanism
all about death
all about it.
he said he’d met me before
some other life
he’s sure
and i said something differenet
i saw something had changed:
i used to always say
that i didn’t think of myself as “a person”
but as a “vortex” for many souls
so i could often do and say things i knew nothing about
because many different beings were using me as a door/vehicle
but this morning i said
“i’ve always thought of myself as more of a Way of Being than A Person… more like i am an Elemental… something that everyone used to be with in reverence every day… and now often miss… ”
i am the wind
i am the sky
(for some romantic reason)
i don’t like to diminish what people say
but many people see me from the past
people either really really really like me
or hate me
it’s always extreme
who am i, anyway?
” i was
just a girl then…
and never have i loved
since then
oh
never have i loved…
any other man ”