as my time with Leo wears thin
i vacillate through respect and repulsion
noticing moments of love with him
then days of wondering what it was i ever liked about him to begin with
he’s intelligent and hot, yes
but also blandly hedonistic and riddled with blind spots
not uncommon
but what seduced me?
is it as simple as his Being There?
is that the base of any relationship?
just to be able to Be with each other?
all other details moot?
this life is certainly much simpler than My Own in NYC
but seems to be much more frustrating
dissatisfying
and tedious
though i often feel lost in my own life
i prefer it any time to this feeling of being in someone else’s void
in a place that is pretty
but i don’t love
i’m longing for home
the really exasperating part is
i don’t have one yet
i’m still building it
this interruption is showing itself up as quite an obstacle
i’ll beseech the eternal elephant child:
i want to know what i need to do.. to understand
so i can be done with it and move on
so i can get on with my life
to figure out what i need to do
so i can be done with it
and move on
one star to the next
–
oh, i’m sorry
weren’t we in love?