sitting on the floor, preparing for sleep

… and tonight
i will sleep in my clothes…
i’m at my brother’s … apartment
in Milford.
i set to cook him italian food
i had the choice of rancid olive oil
or partially hydrogenated oil
so we went to the store
came back
and i started cooking..
i wanted to cook for my brother a simple dinner
the kind of stuff we ate in Tuscany
on that olive farm..
— i’m starting to feel it… that pull
i really want to go back to europe…
but let me get back to Cooking.
my brother has been asking me about 23 for months.
can any of you kids answer the question: What does 23 mean?
i danced around with him
in my most dominic ways of the socratic method
forcing him to answer his own questions
til he was fed up with me
and i had to give a lecture
but i gave a dance
some poetry
a story
the highlight was:
“there’s a part of you that wants to know…
and that part is listening
and something hears it
and the greeting card they leave is
23
— there’s a part of you that hears it
and hopefully
the rest of you will listen to it too someday
— but it may take a while til you’re ready..
but keep wanting
and keep asking
—- we’ll keep helping.”
so dinner was ready:
Linguini
carmelized onions from my aunt’s garden
fresh zuccini
a ripe tomato
some grapeseed oil, rosemary, thyme, basil, oregano and Salt
and after that’s all cooked
added raw garlic
to only get warmed in the mix
fresh and crisp
poured the pasta in
and more salt
and olive oil
served to he and his beautiful fiancee, Heather.
white wine
and it was so good
so good good good
more olive oil
and a bit more salt
and so good!
she went to bed
we sat down to watch Cinema Pardiso
which i knew nothing about
but had from Netflix for MONTHS now (since i moved to NYC)
the disc i had was two sided: so we watched the original version
and i just loved it..
it cycled back!
i wish so strongly to be back in Europe…
Italia!
i want to speak the language
i want a lover…
but the movie might have said
Oh, Broken Heart
you must be famous
live for yourself
work hard
make your life
maybe Love will find you after…
the movie said
Nostalgia…
before you Live
you must Let Go…
and he and i talked about Sheridan
and he reminded me
“what you had most people will never had… that kind of exploring… finding out who you were…
but many people get tired of exploring and they just want to be normal people… you will never tire… but you have to respect other’s wishes to do so”
yes yes yes
i mumbled
BUT I WILL ALWAYS ENCOURGE PEOPLE TO EXPLORE
yes yes yes…
there is always such a sadness in me
my cold irish blood
thick and heavy
wanting only to be warmed and thinned with whiskey
but the wine brings out my darker skin
the sun
Italy!
where does poland hide?
in a bottle of Vodka?
another sadness?
my love of eastern European authors…
there is so much more to read…
and for you, dear reader…
who spends time with me in my isolation
in my tower
in my pit
at the heart of it all…
i post this in the present
and have back-dated a few things i’ve written over the last few days
i’ve been bad, though
still haven’t written about other important things
Iowa… even SF
— i will
and i’ll let you know
meanwhile
Goodnight
and…
read on, if you like
there are other thoughts
and notes
and wishes…