sing yr song

SO
last night i went out after writing and played with a guy in the south bay…
a big round chef
cute
so sad.
his partner makes him feel bad for being fat
— he’s really big and round
but sexy!
you know the kind… like the chefs in “in the night kitchen”
but no stache…
he’s afraid of his beard coz it’s white…
he’s 38
fun to play with
but sad.
the whole story?

i only want to tell it because it’s so ubiquitous
i know so many men who had terrible experiences with their parents
and they feel that just cutting them off and being far away from them is the answer
rejected again by his lover.
that’s what lovers are for
not to be jesus christ
not to be un-conditional lovers
but to be another person treating you as you treat yourself
without the charms that make you forget that
and charms!
he has been on antidepressants and other mood-drugs for YEARS
he thinks that’s what made him fat
Saturn Return
Yup.
oh, great world
give me self acceptance
and acceptance of others
he drove me back up
and dropped me off in the castro
i saw the poster for the porn i am in
http://www.bearparty.com/
it was very quiet..
i walked back to Tiffany Manor
but had been back only a short while when the telephone rang
and it was a massage client
i weighed my desires
(don’t usually like to go out to give a masage after 10)
but i’ve not been going to sleep til four anyway
So i got in a Taxi..
guy from LA in a hotel
sexy
obviously really horny…
i didn’t say, did i?
i had a client the day before who paid for a room at the hot tubs
and i went to give him a massage
— i started working on him in the water and he was instantly hard
grappling for affection and touch..
he was a hot little jewish boy
i was in one of those old gym positions
pressed up on two hands above the hot tub
but with my legs curled below me, gripping his butt
him holding my hips, cock against my choade
he shot
sighed
thanked me
dressed
paid me
and left.
20 minutes?
i soaked in the tub and sauna for the next hour
— which i really wanted after the IBR weekend
we get what we want one way or another, don’t we dear
no matter how direct.
anyway
this guy in this hotel last night
he’s really sexy
and really horny
but i’m tired
i go to just give him a massage
though that’s obviously not all he wants
such sticky situations in this city
— he likes having his belly licked
i love doing this
i just wish they had their intentions clear
but if they had their intentions clear
they wouldn’t be doing this
ah– the life of those who make too much money
and have too little time for self-reflection…
i got back to the house at near 2 AM
had a great little russian cab driver
i wanted to invite him over.. but he had two hours left to drive…
i slept pretty well
once i put myself to bed at 4
at 9 a friend i’ve been wanting to hang out with called
too early
i heard clock radios going off for hours
and Lucien said to Timmy
“don’t go back to sleep… don’t go back to sleep”
though it was about something else
i took it in stride
and fell back into dreams…
only to be stirred awake by the phone again
this time
my friend Kwai
i’ve not seen him for a long time
but he’s a brother gemini
and whenever he calls
it’s some sort of adventure
(like Mongolia…)
we met for lunch at a great indian buffet just down on the corner
then jumped around town to find a copy of BUTT for him
all out at Books Inc, we headed to MAC
they had One copy left
and gave it to me to give to him
Gifts!
we then went to use the city passes on the Museum of Modern Art
thoughts and feelings…
how different
photo realism
painting a suburban scene
car
paisley chair
self and wife sitting at the table?
detail…
we then headed over to City Arts on Valencia near 19th
where he has a small show right now
and i’m in it!
nice.
then i went to see my friend redfurrybear
sat and had long conversations over hot chocolate and Tea
then caught the 24 buss to the castro to get my HIV results
non-reactive
talked with a student about what he thought the Intention of the Virus is…
he reminded me what the difference between a Virus and a Retrovirus is
i didn’t know
but a virus has DNA in it, a RV has RNA
both require that your cells open up to accept them
then they inject their genetic matierial
the DNA snips a hole and slides right in and changes how the cell runs
the RNA has to grab enzymes and other genetic material to double itself, turning itself into DNA before it can snip and slide in
RNA is half a DNA strand
the doubling process is what allows/creates such mutations
– it takes pieces of each person it’s in to make it even function
which is
i’m sure
why it doesn’t work in some people
— incompatible context.
JUST SAY NO TO SELF DESTRUCTION
i followed that with walking across the street
and making a jump decision to see “The Nomi Song”
about New Wave performance artist Klause Nomi
many of us crave fame…
we crave attention
some of us step on people around us to get that
“our friends”
reminder:
no matter what yr talent
no matter what your ambition
charging your life with desires
burns you out unless you have copious love and ∞