Siberia was aptly dressed
dramatic peaks…
as we rode up on our horses
past the shanty town of rotting timbers
through the thick grey cold north
shot the huge icey steal teeth of the mountains…
on the other side: Siberia.
what’s behind those mountains?
not only would it be hard to get through them on the horses…
but aparently we’d run into all sorts of trouble with our passports..
what could be so worth hiding?
he said he heard there was a forest in Siberia larger than the United States…
[it’s always good to say things]
but tonight
i heard them call it “a baren wasteland”
what does that mean?
no trains?
no McDonald’s?
surely they didn’t mean that… back in the days of “Fiddler on the Roof” they didn’t even HAVE McDonald’s!
That’s right!
the working week was done on thursday
— spen the night with my Lovely Injun friend
(spent the evening drinking Elderberry Wine)
{the conversations, the pipe bruises.. .making me a pipe, rolling a cigarette-majic-wand of kinknic}
a late morning (as we’re always sleeping in shifts)
off to give a massage to one of my favourite regulars…
then down a few blocks to get a massage from a guy with REALLY big hands…
he just smooshed my body
…so nice…
then down another 9 blocks or so
to Better Burger
to have a nosh
before walking across town
stopping in to see Nayland
i had not choice
i had to!
anger and love and cookies and hugs
then he walked with me to Grand Central to meet Kelly.
Kelly!
this boy who’s been walking the Appalacian Trail since April!
who’s lost 70 pounds on the trip
who had never been to New York City before…
i took him into Bryant Park
on the Last Day of Summer
the rain was coming in… the heat was leaving
he said it felt kinda like being on the bottom of the Grand Canyon
we walked into Times Square…
really? what could he say?
i told him it was Raccoon Central of the WORLD!
— and he was chuffed to see Harvey Firestein was in a Musical…
so we bought tickets to see it
walked over to 8th ave,
took the A to the F to 79 Clinton
and dropped off the bags
changed into my silly clothes (from his stinky hiking clothes)
and headed back UpTown to see the show…
my first broadway musical!
and i actually loved it..
though i was so scared of musicals as a young gay boy…
i didn’t feel like i was being Gay while i was with Kelly..
just a person
… an so vulnerable…
sucked into that fantasy on the stage
such pain and misery
and the fucking phrase “To LIFE!”
— i never get that
suffering and misfortune
only to celebrate that we’re alive?
like that chinese film “To Live”
like “angles in america”
i just don’t get it
so i was telling him about all my anger and pain about it
and bitching bitching bitching
when a handsome fellow asked me if i was Dominic Vine
— and yes i was!
he’d met me on the beach in P-Town with his BoyFriend
— -and he’s also an LJer…
anyway
i then set off to take him to get some good food…
only to be shocked and appalled by
*GULP*
things being CLOSED in New York City!
Never was it so jarring…
and to a new commer!
i set a bad example..
so
second-rate gelato
and no Etheopean food, only shwarma
but nice enough to eat in Washington Square park..
he was instantly interested and mocking of everything in the city: certainly a man after my own heart…
the next day was pretty good: spent most of it in bed
and did get out for the Etheopean later
then went to the DugOut
— first time in probably two years that i went in there!
they thought he was straight..
the guys i knew from the internet
looked at me like scared mice
and didn’t talk with me
— my friends thought the whole thing was stupid
and i got to leave after being there only slightly over a half hour
( i only went there to meet up with a friend who’s moving to Palm Springs and wanted to say GoodBye…
but really he said “Good Riddence!” )
back in New Jersey with him
we lay and cuddled
finding ways to fit our bodies together
and
most importantly
the closeness of cuddling
and telling stories..
it occurs to me
Folk-Lore of Italy
includes lots of Dead people..
he talked about he and his family and friends seeing dead people like it was the most common thing in the world..
and his “metals”
christian charms…
the rain really came that day…
Saturday..
i headed back to my apartment to meet up with Kelly
but he was gone
and i’d left my keys at home
so stood in the rain a while…
then finally got the neighbors to let me in
where i read some books in the stairwell til Kelly got in
… for more cuddling
somewhere in here was the game of trying to find his tattoos…
two being obvious
(one to anyone, another to anyone intimate in a sexual way… the others only for those who search)
and feeling him out…
the nature of husband hunting
dissapointment
the confusing feelings of sexuality contrasting friendship
like all of my writing lately
these are just notes.
saturday felt like a blur..
Eli showed up
and he had a full beard…
we all walked in the rain
seperated
and headed off to cook dinner for Nayland…
Kelly was amazed that N was a “famous artist”
and … i think… he just wanted to see what that meant
he was dully impressed
because N… knows lots of stuff
can converse intelligently about nearly anything you pose to him
.. even Jokes!
for a moment
i understood us as three men who would live on a farm together somewhere..
men with similar dreams..
but
of course
our dreams are just different enough
to keep us just seperate enough
to not be living our dreams together
like that…
tired…
we trained back into manhattan
(stuck in flooded train tunnels a while)
walked my neighborhood
ate more icecream
went home
to bed
and
talked
cuddled..
sunday morning… he meant to leave
but i admitted i wanted to show him things
so we set off!
and walked from my house through china town, the financial district
to the south ferry
eating bean cakes, dim sum, and duck along the way
visiting ground zero
and Syms… where i bought lots of sheepskin warmth..
the Staten island ferry was beautiful: i’d not been on it since i first came here back in 97… with JP and Leslie..
everything seemed far away..
we then took a train to a train to a train
to Brighton Beach
Coney Island…
yes, i cruised a guy on the train
asked him if he’d like my email and number
and he didn’t
but Kelly was quite impressed by my bravery
it was terrifying!
and rejection stings every time..
but never as bad a regret.
the beach on a cold rainy day is a wonderful thing…
and
when we finally found Russia
we happily ate Eel
and bad beer…
cheese bread
veal with mushrooms
and eggplant with roasted peppers..
— i love giving people new experiences… Kelly had never had anything like that…
then
fortune smiling on us
we didn’t have to meet N at the bar
he convinced his friends to come to his house
so we went back there..
and Eli set off to come over…
but N’s other friends never really arrived
and we were all so tired..
still, i’m glad i stopped by to get my drawings
(grin) [ a gnome (like Leo!) and a bunny with bombs ]
caught a cab back to my place
only to find bridget had come back surprisingly
so Eli slept on the floor in the hall
Kelly and i talked a while
and the themes and variations of the visit came to a close:
the song he sang was so much like my own
to give up home
to maybe be drawn in by something better
maybe a bit dissapointed to find out that it wouldn’t work like that
-= gotta keep walking
and what am i?
something crazy
certainly something fine
hopefully we’ll be friends
and
as so often i find
when i’m with someone
who’s there every day
i don’t want to have sex with them
when i’ve got them for cuddling
as if sex were something i did to convince them to stay still long enough to enjoyg the closeness of skin
some trickery
or bartering…
and when i got them anyway
i never got hard…
when he left early this morning
i was annoyed he was going
i fell back asleep
i was glad he was gone when i woke up
and as the day waned on
walking around with Eli and Suzana
i started missing Kelly
most certainly when i was back at home at night
after buying my shoes
having my city experience
the horniness started again on the subway home
staring at a man in a business suit
with hair like a woodland creature
— how did he get trapped into such a fate?
and me: my cock straining against my pants
doing nothing to hide it
just looking through my phone for a cure
none.
get home
talk
listen
type
figure things out
posted pictures about the garden
.. just wanna be alone
.. just wanna be home
.. just wanna be held…
ran off to give a massage to a friend/regular
— he’s So beautiful
i can’t know him as a friend…
just a suck-buddy
but he hired me for a massage tonight
and it was very passionate and creative
an hour-long back massage where 45 minutes of it he was on his back (or side or..)
then the rain…
when i got back to Essex
i decided to get a piece of pizza
and there were two drunk Scots in there
Raymond and Michael
“we may be pissed, but we’re not mental”
— i, as i often have done, tried to translate between American and British…
we got to talking
… i was a little afraid they were gonna chin me..
but they loved me
called me a Real Pilgrim
had me giving them massages in the Pizza Parlor
offered me to come back to Astoria with them to drink…
but i was so tired
i had to just come up and rest…
and that was around 2 am
why is it 5am?
i have so many things to do!
to post videos for friends
and write in my journal
and read friend’s journals
and take pictures
and empty my phone
and drink my dandelion wine
the world is never over…
someone’s gotta tie up the loose ends.