say you love me

heart crack open
lay here in the cold wind blowing
suffer through it
to look up at the stars (lost in new york city)
remember laying here with Leo
or Dan
remember loving
or trying to
not just family
but that wish of a father
brother
father/brother

a second night of photos
over so much sooner
I’m in these
here and there
ghostly thin
it means something different now
apparently
remember days of freedom
horrible freedom
lost freedom
looking for love

everything I touch is the last
last time it’s this
last time I’ll
here
here and there
little bits
throwing away so much of it

with Leo laying next to me
lanterns swinging in the wind
our bodies tight to keep warm
the stars…
all those mornings he woke me up and I was grumpy
all those times I’ve found his love unsatisfactory
all those times he was my dear father
and mischievous friend
all those times I had to get away
the last time
last breakfast
last driving away
and back again
last evening meal
no big deal
thanks for the mamories

I almost napped for a while this afternoon
between too lovers
one selfish, the other giving
one desired, the other appreciated
snoring in the late afternoon sun
naked bodies, mostly smooth
the hair of my legs on fire in the long light
sandwiched between the two

I love…
this feeling
but i know their disconnect
and nothing will cone of this
the last man I fell in love with
back when I fell in love
I don’t know what he thinks of me now
if he ever does

lying here with Leo, with Danny J
remembering Wanting to be in love
Robert & Robert
all the secret children… tj, michael, daniel, matt
Say you love me
cone back and say you love me
back to life
back to health
back to the other end of the line
dance with me
give me pain
share the view
wander the streets with me
one last time
one last time
before we’re all reborn
caring more about the project
or statement
or
I don’t even know
my useless youthful longings are in the last weeks of their life
I wanted someone to share that with
mourn that passing
welcome the new
but those stories are over
I’m in the land of cool distraction now
calculated successes
quiet structure

I’m at the threshold
I can see it there

things will be grand
things

but where will the wonder…
the endless wishing…

last night I dreamt…

(..no harm
just another false alarm)

.iP