so i walked out of the internet cafe
which was right around the corner from the sauna
and went in
shortly before 22:00
i got there
looked around a bit
but pretty much went directly into the steam room
then went down stairs
no one really interesting in the cabins
but i saw a horny old guy in the porn room that looked kinda nice
still
i walked away
looking, too early here to pursue anything…
but that old guy walked past me
… we looked at eachother
smiled
touched
hugged
went to a cabin
and it all started pretty quick
he wanted to fuck me
nice dick
not huge
but quite thick at the base
he tried and tried
but couldn’t stay hard enough
so he pushed me down on my back and went to sit on my dick
.. probably because of all my fears about this and the fact that i haven’t fucked any body raw for months
i freaked out and pushed him off me
cuming pretty instantly
thankfully
not inside him
then he stood up and had me suck him almost until he came
then he jacked himself, but he didn’t really shoot
just filled his foreskin with cum
we hugged
went up stairs
showered
and sat in the jacuzzi
something nice about cuming right away
we cuddled in the water
and another older guy i had seen when i first arrived and was showering
sat down right next to me
and we started cuddling
and a big older chubby furry guy i’d see in the steam room
he was also in the tub
and grabbed my foot
and started massaging it
the old guy i had played with already
he was sweet
but endlessly horny
kept jacking me and trying to stick his fingers up my ass
which i don’t really like anyway
but he had sharp nails
it was annoying
i kept having to grab his hand and pull it away
but over all
it was great
to sit on his lap
lay back against the british guy
caressing eachother
all over
not just genitals
then getting my foot massaged..
eventually
this skinny tattooed 40-something german guy got in
who was really horny for me
kept pushing his foot against my balls
had a bottle of poppers in his hand
kept trying to get me to get out of the tub with him
now i had three guys on me!
i didn’t want to get up
i tried to explain to him that i’d just cum and was chilling out
but he wouldn’t stop
he got closer
with his poppers
grabbing at my dick
fortunately
the old guy i’d played with stepped in
and started fingering his ass in the same unpleasant way
until he left
i probably spent about 45 minutes like that
just luxuriating in sensual relaxation.
then i got out
showered
and went into the sauna
sauna’d for a long time
getting really into yoga
really into sivasana
when i left there
took a long shocking cold shower
then went to sit in the jacuzzi room in the chairs there
just to cool off, come to balance
ready to go..
as i sat there
i came into an almost hallucinatory state
everything flowing
i suddenly came back into a full recall of an acid trip i had when i was 18 with T&S at my parent’s house..
after being awake all night
i walked outside bare chested
and looked at the sky of sunrise
and for the first time
saw the sky as the atmosphere
saw the clouds as part of the system, the skin
and FELT my whole body fully as part of that same system
feeling the weight of my body
the breath
feeling the muscle on me, the fat
how i could have a perfect balance of fat and muscle
enough to keep me a certain warmth, and have a certain amount of excess energy
but just the right amount
feeling the potentiality of everything coming into the perfect balance of the flow of the entirety of the system of the world we live in
i saw a circle that was my being
a complete circle with one opening
the circle being made of all my story, beliefs, thoughts, questions, answers
the gap:
the God-Shaped-Hole
any question
asked enough
leads to a Question Mark
a place where no answer can be uttered
some people fill it with money and drugs and self-satisfaction
some hedonism
others
different spiritualities
i later realized that gap as the key to mortality… and immortality
if either end of the circle were connected to a belief in the infinite
life would flow in and out of that: endlessly
and the system that we have identified as “AIDS” and that nature that is destroying our reality ( like “the nothing” in “the never-ending story” )
was a sealing of that gap with the idea of individuality, Self…
(HA!)
coming into this state of being
i brought it into my present
fully
i was aware of… everything.
i got up to walk around the sauna
amazed at how different my body felt
how heavy my feet were falling on the floor
just seeing everything
smelling things
the dramatic increase in awareness of the different levels of reality..
and this boy had been cruising me the whole time i’d been there
and i’m not really into boys
he was kinda hot
beefy
just not really my thing: shaved face and body
a little too normal
but there i was
showering one last time before leaving
and he starts talking to me in the shower
then places his hand over my heart
and starts moving with my energy
i was amazed!
right here in the showers
just being open to reality calls more beauty…
he told me how he’d lived many places
the company he works for is based in Spain
been in seattle, new york (state)
he appologized
said his energy wasn’t pure
as his uncle had died that day and he’d been drinking
… but no one’s energy is Pure…
he smiled and hugged me
interesting
interesting
we went into the sauna together
sat and talked
he smiled at me and said
“you are familiar: we know eachother”
and i quickly wracked my brains to see if i’d met this kid before..
no no, not him
but a boy
yes
him
in another person
that kid Michael in Switzerland years ago
same thing
‘ yes,’ i said, ‘ but not in this body ‘
he laughed
we kissed
it was all very sweet
staring into eachother’s eyes
he said “let’s go down stairs”
and we went to a cabin
but the sex very quickly got gross
me on my knees sucking his dick
him saying ” yeah bitch, suck my dick. suck my dick Bitch ”
i hate that shit
then he’s turned me around and wants to fuck me
starts
then stops
asks if i’ve got a condom
leaves
goes to find one
goes
goes
leaves the door open
people looking in
me
in the midst of confused horniness
this doesn’t feel good
but now i’m horned up
and now what?
where is he?
what am i doing?
i start to come back to consciousness
and i get up and wrap my towel around myself, walk out the door
… he’s looking in another cabin
and i go to walk past him
he grabs me, pulls me back
takes me back into the cabin
puts me on my knees
and it’s that “suck it bitch” thing again
then he’s putting the condom on
with his cock against my ass
and pushing too hard too fast like the young do
i tell him i can’t do this right now
he says “yes yes” but tries to convince me
and keeps pushing
so i get up to leave
he takes off the condom
“sorry sorry”
and it’s sucking
and “bitch again”
he pushes me on my back
lifts up my legs
and says
“i’m going to fuck you”
and goes to shove it in
no condom now
i throw him off
and kiss his cheek:
‘ good bye ‘
i go up
shower
sauna
rest
stretch
release
shower
rest
and Leave.
oh well.
i still carry my presence with me as i walk the streets back to the hotel
where Leo is mostly asleep
with the lights still on
drinking wine
telling me he’s been “trying” to wait up for me
which means he’s been sleeping un fit..
he tells me about the boy he’s spent the last few hours with
as this was our deal
i went off to see the movie
and he used the room to play with a czech boy
who was just the most beautiful and most wonderful
and mostest bestest
happiest
and boring
what the fuck do i care about someone who’s a banker
with a normal hairy cut and a perfect muscular smooth body
and a LTR with the first guy he ever had sex with?
boring
and i’m angry because he’s enjoying rubbing it in to incite jealousy from me
which is a game we play
but sometimes i’m not in the mood
he says the boy told him about Tantric massage
and how i should give Leo one..
it just falls out of my mouth
i say
‘ that’s entirely a situation of Pearls before Swine…
you’re a pig
you’re into pig sex
and the intricacies of Trantric energy doesn’t interest you
i’ve tried to teach you yoga in the years i’ve known you and i know that’s just not your thing..
it’s like what people say about teaching a pig to sing
: it wastes yr time and annoys the pig ‘
Leo’s quiet a bit
but then tries to convince me he’d like to learn
i’m annoyed
and feel nihilistic
like things never move and change
like i know the answer to this already
and it’s not going anywhere
eventually
i convince him to stop talking
he’s tired
he snores
i lay there a while
… til i fall asleep.