recap of the facts of where i am now

Ah, The Stories…

The night before leaving the Hermitage
i just did not want to leave
i kept flipping coins (heads: go; tails: stay)
they all said Leave
the night with my friend who came up was great
great food
great conversation
great cuddling
the morning was clear and beautiful
and the fogg rolled in through the valley
and then up the hill
shrouding the house in a bright mist
even before noon
turned my cell phone back on (it had been expired for about three weeks)
instantly got a call from a friend in TX i’d not talked to in ages
Hello
omens were good
i scrolled through my phone list
and wondered who would i stay with?
i chose the upper gyphon house
because i love those guys
and it’s in a very friendly way
not overly sexual or emotional
we had good conversation
and even though i was exhausted
i went out and gave a massage
while Paul went to the Symphony
the reviews were good from both performances
and the conversation went long into the night
for days and days, weeks
i’d not been sleeping much
and it was remaining thin down here
early to rise…
i eventually went out to meet up with this guy who i’d corresponded with from craigslist
and run a few errands
he was very sweet
indiana boy
humble..
i have given thanks for humble people many times in the last few days…
humble but accomplished
a wonderful man
and he Happened to work with the Symphony
so he gave me a ticket to the show that night
the same one Paul had seen.
i wandered around in the rain with my big old drizzibone on
seeing a few people i knew
got my errands done
and even one of my friends
offered me a job and an appartment in a beautiful place in a beautiful part of town
Yes?
live in SF for a while?
a year or two or what?
amazing…
what?
everything you’ve ever asked for…
ok
went to see the symphony
there was this little old german lady behind me who commented on always having tall people in front of her
something about her made me love her and respect her as an elder
and just want to accomodate
so i spent the first half of the performance scrunched down in my seat
during interrmission
i noticed i was only Slightly self conscious
felt like a wild animal in the peaks of society
in my corduroys
wild hair
people looked…
what were they thinking?
who would i run away with?
cross-section of the city, still
beautiful.
after intermission
many of the people in my row did not come back ( a family with young kids.. perhaps to see the youth orchestra performing with the symphony on some of Berio’s duets )
being able to relax
in my exhausted state
letting the rolls and waves of sound wash me
blissed out
and my friend invited me back stage
which was nice..
went home
and met this guy this many friends have told me i should meet for a long time
also from indiana
but he still lives there
so still has lots of that indiana stuff that scares me:
being prepared for the worst all the time
(which, in my thinking, helps manifest the worst)
there you go: fractal that out to understand.
still, very interesting guy
my massage client owns a Deli
he makes pastries and entrees that his grandma taught him
he gave me some lasagna and chocolate pecan pie
a brownie
and Pizzellas
wonderful
i ate the pie and lasagna before the symphony
and had some of those pizzellas with the aborted fudge i rescued that John had made
make-shift Stroop-waffels
i woke in the morning at 7 something
early again, thin night’s sleep (went to be around 2)
had to rush to the toilet
terrible diarrhea
hmm
great way to start the day
i had to get on a buss to the BART to Dublin
long ride
would i be able to make it?
fortunately
not that Terrible
i was fine
(but my energy was definitely worn thin — i had said (in my mind?) ” my restorative powers are down, i’m running on empty, i need to refuel ” a few days before… it was showing)
the guy who was giving me a ride from CL was really sweet
incredibly!
he’s 29
owns a photography/graphic company here in LA
had given a group of girls a ride up on his way up
..he’d grown up here in the east bay
in an orphanage
an asian one… (he’s a mix of Something, but not japanese)
so he speaks japanese now
and makes oodles of money, etc…
but has a great heart..
the other rider
was this sweet guy (prolly around 40)
also named Eli
who had a little dog with him…
he’d been living Itinerantly lately as well
one of us wandering jews
the ride down was alright
we stopped a lot
the driver gave up his room on the phone to a freaked-out mid-western single mother
who he obviously felt care for…
and stopped on the side of the I-5 because a truck was smoking…
a Mother and Daughter on their way to AZ
i opened up the hood to see what went wrong:
Radiator pipe blew
i called them as we drove away telling them what exit we were near
(where are we? on the i-5…)
barreling down the road
weather OK
97 mph
cop pulls us over
that’s reckless driving
made the trip really expensive for him
and
the weather began to mirror us
turning heavy and dark and the rain falling..
the evening before
i had decided i was going to stop in Bakersfield to stay a few nights with a guy i’ve talked with on line for years
he lives east of the city
in the mountains
near hot springs
lovely, right?
well, i called him many times on the way down
and by the time we were an hour away
he said he was over 3 hours away
so i would have had to wait
in the cold and rain?
naww…
on to AZ, thanks.
so on down…
but the night before, one of the deciding factors
the guy i was going to stay with the night i arrived
told me he’d injured himself
and had surprise guests
so i couldn’t stay that night
the other guy i really wanted to stay with
also had surprise guest
(WHY? in such weather…)
and so
i started calling everyone else i knew in LA looking for a place to stay
rolling through my phone list on the phone
the numbers weren’t reaching anything
or voice mail
no people
OK
i called Eli over and over
when i finally got through
he was really pissy
“why are you calling so much? i haven’t even checked my voice mail, what do you want?”
i started to explain
“well, you can’t stay here, and i’m going into a movie now: i can’t talk”
so, ok.
the greyhound bus left at 11:30pm
and went all night
can never sleep on those things
and this was about 6pm…
fuck that
Eli (the guy in the car)
suggested i come to the hotel with him
— he was coming down to visit with his parents
who were in town from NYC to visit he and his sister
rain… such weather!
they were very sweet
nice old jewish couple
ate only kosher
they were looking for a restaurant
thank the winter!
the sun set early
but the time i got there
Shabbot was over
so they let me store my stuff in their room
and drove me out to an internet cafe
where i pulled myself together
and opened up all my chat programs
posted an ad on craigslist explaining my situation
started sending out emails
in just over an hour
a guy came to meet me in cafe to see how he felt about me
a beautiful, muscular, furry jewish guy
late 40’s
really sweet
and felt good about me instantly
(really? looking tired and road weary and so scattered? ok…)
he took me to the hotel to get my stuff
i thanked Eli and family profusely
and went home…
we spent over 12 hours in bed
mostly just cuddling
but so healing!
resting…
i’ve been drinking lots of fluids
electrolyte blends
and tea…
but am still very loose..
though i don’t FEEL sick
i think my body is just telling me to get my shit together…
fortunately
the guy i’m staying with is incredibly sweet
we’ve just been talking
hanging out
doing little projects
[gas]fire lit in the hearth
so i thought i’d write it all out to get my berrings…
now what?
Eli wants to have dinner with me tonight at 7
(that is, my “old friend” Eli)
there’s one other person in LA i’d really like to meet
i just wish i were feeling better in my body so i could enjoy having sex with him more…
so i can skip that if need be…
then i have to get to AZ
still have had no craig’s list responses on the ride…
but i could always fly (why bother taking the bus when it’s only a few bucks more and so much less stress?)
and then what?
i just hope the bear gathering is friendly and nurturing
and not stressful making me feel like a pariah
(well, i had a pretty good time at the Harrison fair… and i know quite a few guys coming to the Fiesta… so it should be good)
but then what?
(laughs)
go up to Seattle?
go back to SF?
go back to the Hermitage?
i most certainly well if i’m still feeling down..
but tomorrow is the new moon
i should be better by the end of next week
definitely
(ha)
anyway
i’m happy to feel pretty good here…
the guy i’m staying with is also at a crux of transition in his life
even though he has all the wealth and stability
it’s all changing
it’s all changing
perhaps
for everyone
hmmm
LA
learn to be a Surfer..
and recover quickly
when ya go under.