realization through action

we had intented to meet this guy on our drive up the coast
both Leo and i had talked with him through Silverdaddies
his persona there was that of a straight man
who was all about his own pleasure
“suck me, fuck you” etc…
but he looked hot
so i persued him
got his number
and made a date.
he showed up
and
with his clothes on
i thought
“nice…” [but whatever]
he went into the bathroom for a minute “to clean up”
and when he came out
he went directly to where Leo was sitting
and started fucking his face
he’d set up his camera
i turned mine on too
i really like pleasuring daddy
so i was having fun
sucking his nipples
smilng down at him
licking his balls
sucking his cock
kissing leo around his cock
sharing…
rubbing his big big belly
he reminded me a bit of the aviator pilot i used to meet in Phx when i was 19
big everywhere
been in the war
big hands
exuding sexiness
but in a soft way
even though he was harsh
there was that sterness
where i felt like i had to please him
yet he was being nurturing somehow…
he really wanted me to sit on his cock
so i did
sucked his nipples…
he wouldn’t let me kiss him
leo says he loves watching me get fucked
the way i get into it
the sounds i make
and we have it all here
on our videotape…
i came like that
and we took a break
but picked up again pretty quickly
having my legs wrapd around his belly
looking down at his bulk
my heart was slipping…
something about the beauty of the daddy
wanting to please
i was falling into it
i know…
i started sucking leo’s cock for a while
and lee pulled me back to the edge of the bed
my feet were flat on the floor
and he got his cock in my ass
lifted his belly over my butt
immediately
leo almost came
i could feel it:
the energy shift of my connection with leo
then connecting through me
through my feet into the earth
and into Lee through my ass
i quickly lowered the intensity on Leo
ALMOST disengaged
let the pulses of Lee’s thrusting bounce my mouth over leo’s cock
this kept him on edge
i put my left hand on leo’s heart
my right hand on lee’s
(yoga pose: triangle)
connection through hands
heart
mouth
ass
cock
feet
both of them started screaming and grunting at the same time
and i was a superconductor
Lee had to lay down
and i lay between his legs
his cock in my mouth
i kept him moaning
til he shot another load
feeding me as well
i just kept sucking
to keep him writhing
the energy pouring through me
the nich fulfilled
the role played
identity restored
we stopped to rest
and lee had to sit up
not being the kind to cuddle, i guess
leo sat in his chair
i lay on the bed
exploded
leo wanted food
i didn’t really care
but felt the understanding
bowing to seniority
i put my clothes on and went out to get some good mexican food
leaving made me feel insane:
i just wanted to be with the daddy
when i was on top of him
when he was inside of me
my body was unifying with him
my feet in his feet
his big belly: i was pouring into him
our shoulders aligned
without him..
oh
i could live here
i could suck his dick every day
i could be the boy
or i could fucking grow up and get on with my life.
saw “23” about ten times in the five minutes it took me to drive to the mexican restaurant
i ordered food
and went for a walk in the cold coastal air
-being the boy to the daddy
satisfies a need in me
an ability
a talent
to take that excess yang and ground it
to take those dreams and harness them
to feed the daddy’s pride
let him know he’s beautiful and loved
and respected
do anything for him
it’s really hot
but as far as a life choice
it really doesn’t help ME
because none of the daddies i’ve ever found
are really “worth” sacrificing myself for
but that’s what i do in sex
that is why i cannot have a relationship based on sex
that is why i need to stop having sex with the daddies
and get a boy my own age
a friend
some friends
then A friend
but i don’t want to have sex with kids my own age in the same passionate, desperate way
it takes time to learn to love them
with Eli, i did eventually want to have sex with him
but it took years of developing a relationship
understanding how i loved him
how he needed me
going through the competition and anger and games
to the loving compassion and nurturing
seeing how he was loving me
and finding my way to loving him
of course
that’s where our relationship ended
instead of began
but it did give me a model
a possibility
this night has opened my eyes…
the bracing wind cleared my head
i grounded myself back in myself
instead of The Daddy
sometimes it takes a long time for things to become clear