post-card from the hell-beings

Yesterday i felt like this
day of the new moon
the morning waning was killing me
the night before a guy came over
he’d been emailing me for months
not telling me anything about him self
no matter how many times i’d asked
just that he wanted to meet me
OK
he was supposed to come wednesday afternoon at 3
two days before
he emailed me and changed the time to 6
wednesday
after Leo left
i scurried around the house and yard
moving things to other places
shifting and shuffling
got on line for a little while
then did more moving
apprently
when i was on line
at about 3:45
this guy had called and left a message saying he was coming to the intersection where the road splits to my house
or elsewhere…
he called again right before i got off line
to tell me he had passed me by coz he thought i wasn’t home
even though i told him i wouldn’t be going anywhere
and had expected him at 6
for some reason
this infuriated me.
so i missed him
so what
he came back that night
when?
friday.
friday night
he came back
and called me about every 15 mintues for an hour and half before he arrived
staying on the phone with me the last 15
contantly losing his way
feeling he was lost
needing direction
even though i’d told him over and over and over
i was telling myself
“too much trouble for too little pay-off… why bother? tell him to fuck off and skip me”
but i didn’t
i guided him here.
he was born in southern california
mostly mexican
but about 3rd or 4th generation
i didn’t ask, but i didn’t get the impression he spoke the language
he talked like…
he sticks with my general rule
if they’re born in california
they were born without a brain
why is that?
[Thank you, Thor, for countering that… but you don’t count now: you’re a New Yorker]
frustrated
i calmed myself
he’s living in Garberville now
which was kinda my point-of-entry to california as well
the whole town is a front for all the pot growers in the mountains
so he has some grass with him
and i love the idea of smoking some
i grab the bag
it smells so good
but my stomach tells me NO
intuition
we sit on the bed and talk
he’s very talkative
very nervous
he tells me how much he loves his husband
he tells me and tells me
they’ve been together 13 years
he really loves him
‘ where’d you meet him? ‘
he met him when he was living in Kalamazoo
he’d just bought a house there
and an aquaintance of his recommended a guy to help build the deck, do some painting, fix up the place… whatever…
he’d been working round the house for about 3 months, this guy
when he askes his employer, this brill guy i’m talking with on the bed, to go out for a drink with him at the local sports bar
where he asks if he’ll marry him.
“quite a surprise” he says, “but he was moved in three months later and we had our commitment cermony that October…
i’ve been with him ever since…
i really love my husband
i love him so much i’m going to go call him now”
while he’s talking with the man he loves on the phone
i’ll tell you another tale about Kalamazoo:
there’s a cruising park in the main squre of town
this guy i know from Battle Creek
i was introduced to him by his lover..
they met in the park at Kalamazoo
the younger guy
he said “let’s go back to your place”
so they did
and he didn’t leave for 14 days
and when he did leave
it was to go over to the house he’d been staying at
and get his stuff
and bring it back over to my friend’s place in battle creek…
they were together 8 years
when the younger guy left my friend for an 18 year old.
ok
so he’s back on the bed
and he says he really wants to smoke
and would i please smoke with him?
so i concede to breathing in his exhale
so we do that
and it gets us going
the next two hours or so
we’re rolling around on eachother
undulating
rubbing
flopping around
very little sucking or kissing or butt licking
any of that
it’s more just tantric rythm sex
pretty amazing
do you know what i mean?
well
starts like Frottage, right?
cock to cock
belly to belly
body rubbing
but we’re moving into all these different positions
til
for an example
we’ve got our root chakra’s together
you know
the space between the balls and the butt hole
pressed tight together
heat, fire, life coursing between the connexion
Fucking isn’t necessary
no insertion needed
it’s really intense
our entire culture relies on things that blow us too pieces:
pure sugar (too sweet)
salt on everything (to burn open our taste buds… like MSG)
marijuana, alcohol, coke,TV…
everything has to be immediate and intense
it makes it so we can’t hear anything subtle
and there’s much much more subtle reality than there is bright-blown-out reality
most of it missed
more succulent for the rest of us who listen, i guess
so the sex is pretty great
a work out
the fire blazing
the candles flickering
catching the shadows and highlights
looking into eachother’s faces
hearing the heart beat
pretty amazing
but i start slipping out of my body as i get tired
it’s the last night of the waning moon
and i’m pretty tired
did a massage that morning…
and for the last three days i’ve had the Magnetic Fields album
“the Wayward Bus / Distant Plastic Trees” on repeat all day
there’s a song i had become infatuated with
and listened to it over and over and over
and loved it
thinking she said
“all the sweetest things you said
and i believe were summer lies..”
then i read the lyrics and it was clearly
“all the sweetest things you said, and i believed
were summer lies
hanging in the willow trees
like the dead
were summer lies
i’ll never fall in love again…”
which is pretty intense imagery for such a pretty song
and it ends with her saying
“and now you’re gone
i pine and wane, pale and wan
never knowing when it’s dawn,
curtains drawn
hiding in my room
wasting away
—————– cutting myself”
and while i’m rolling around on this bed with this guy
getting further and further from the pleasure of the body
into all the un-felt emotional stuff i have
i can hear her little scrap of a voice over and over
“cutting myself”
stoned, as you can imagine
no longer high
so the trip goes
he feels it… he has to
he says
“i can feel my husband, i have to call him to say goodnight”
so he does
and i eat the rest of my Kitchari
then he smokes more, i breathe more (just one toke)
and we start up at it again
this time i have a belly full
and i lose control
and cum
and then it all starts hurting
and i’m totally drained
and he’s pressing down on me
and it feels like i’m gonna break
i ask him many times to stop
eventually he does
and as we’re laying in the dark
he’s holding my dick
and i just feel like he’s draining what little life i have left out of me
i edge away from him
and fall into uneasy sleep
to be awakend by him shortly before dawn
to more of it
and i have no energy
no life
hard for me to move or think
just feel terrible
of course
when he goes to leave
he fucks up and the car slides down the hill
so i have to move my car so he can leave
fucking idiot vampire air bubble
and i’m possessed by hell-beings (as i posted)
and i’m thinking about his goddamn husband
and wondered if he was just another of those weird co-dependant people
who goes out and has sex with other people to gather their energy and take it back to his depleted lover
he said his lover had a much lower sex drive than he
and his body was covered in psoriasis
which was code to me for
“i suck his life all the time coz i don’t know how to connect to anything infinite and he’s doing his best not be be devoured”
and i think of a conversation i had with Nayland’s Aries friend in NYC about Daddies
he’s really into leather and that whole scene
and complained often that he didn’t have a Daddy
and all the boys that did have daddies were really stupid
so he didn’t understand why he didn’t have a daddy
coz he deserved one..
and their daddies were really stupid too
so i concluded, maybe it only works for stupid people
and he wasn’t stupid or co-dependant enough to make it work
see, not an advocate of couples here
everything fit terribly
everything was wrong
sick
hungry
drained
tired
i went out for a walk
and all i saw was the asshole “land-owner” who didn’t even live there
who bulldozed a bunch of trees WHY?
WHY WHY WHY???
wold full of assholes spewing shit everywhere
and i came back
and started eating lots of sugar
well
some
chocolate, icecream, cookies
then i started cleaning my room
out of desperation to do something besides gnash my teeth at myself
Leo called and i told him where i was
[hell]
he was Tired
so when he got off the phone
i fussed about a bit more in my room
then set up my computer to watch
“The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” with the commentary on
but got distracted instead
by organizing my computer
(serious task: do any of you do this? i would imagine those who do know what i’m talking about, tantamout to organizing one’s living space)
was at that for about two hours
and was amazed at how much better i felt
so then i watched the deleted scenes and makings-of, etc on the disk
saving the commentary for another night
and headed for bed to read some before going to sleep
from the stack of books by my head:
“Further Tales of the City” by Armistead Maupin
“Some Kind of Love” about Nayland Blake
“All Ears” by Dennis Cooper
and
“The Motion of Light in Water” by Samuel R Delany
i chose the latter
and settled into reading the introduction…