play pen Pan

i lay in bed last night listening to his snoring
and some how my mind turned around to my aries moon…
in the eight house!
it’s my internal drive
it’s what’s been driving me around the planet!
in all my rushes
and runnings aways…
at any moment of intimacy it becomes combative, competitive
and it’s so intrinsically tied with my sense of self. . .
when i start a relationship with anyone
i begin to identify With Them
and thus
become afraid of all of their frailties
not wanting THEIR problems to be a part of ME
intimacy: fear –> Fighting.
it’s silly
and i’m aware of it
but i can’t seem to stop it
so i’m laying in bed
and the snoring is grating against the headache that the last episode of Wonder Showzen has given to me ( “Patience” )
which is making it harder and harder for me to focus on my aries moon
the snorting of the aries next to me in bed
a long succession of aries who try my patience and only want for me to be with them
so they have an object of affection
something to give them reason for being
Love
Intimacy leads to prying, perceiving
in my eighth house, i look into their souls (narrowly refracting mine)
and shout all my fears at them
cloaking them in my confusion
i’m aware of this
but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to not believe in it while it’s happening
and it’s happening quicker and faster
the longer i stay put
like i’m drowning
i’m only coming up into consciousness to take a breath of sanity rarer and rarer
and will soon succumb to believing my dumb projections
until i run away again.
it almost happened last night
simple
i got out of bed
grabbed my sleeping bag
and imagined i’d lay it down in the kitchen
stupid fool
you cannot just keep running away from the problem!
so i got back in bed
and turned
and turned
eventually
waking up with thrashing
exaggerating MY problem (which a snore is of his, yes?)
enough to wake him
“WHAT’S WRONG?” he panicked
‘ oh, please put on your mask ‘
he used to love his C-pap til, with me, he felt he was succumbing to “borg”
so i got my way
but pretending it was his problem
instead of mine
not being able to release
relax
and fall into sleep
… we’ll
i’ve always been jealous of my lover’s abilities to fall so easily into sleep
i can do that when i’m alone
but not when i’m in bed with someone else
in my megalomaniac moments
i imagine it’s because i do their worrying for them.
. . .
so right now i’m still on edge
last night he showed me “A Series of Unfortunate Events”
which looked attractive to me in previews
but no one i knew said Anything good about it
so i forgot it
well, he loves it!
so we watched it
and i … just didn’t.
it was all over produced
hollywood
lots of style
no substance
who cares?
it felt like a waste of time
all trumped up to have tons of meaning and feeling
while containing none
but for the brief second i hoped they got to live with Uncle Monty and his reptiles…
from when i was a child
and desperately wished for that (much more than i ever wished for an Auntie Mame)
but no, it all focused on the horror
of how no one ever listens to children
and every hope will be dashed
from worser to worser
it made me feel depressed
followed by the last two episodes of Season One of Wonder Showzen
i was very ill at ease
and now i’m helping in the RFD office
and had to start the day by writing a man who submitted an article about health
telling him he was all wrong
— i tried to be diplomatic
(but really!)
and now i’m typing in some [badly written] review of some poetry from San Francisco
and got the immediate harsh judgment that San Francisco is play pen for children
dreaming children
oh
as the entirety of America is
[how i love my grand generalizations when i’m feeling like this]
and though it is fun to play games
and live in our imaginations (and nightmares)
i’m tired of it. sick of it.
i want to grow up and learn to love!
to really love!
having just watched Peter Pan AGAIN
-the same one Arthur showed me months ago
-after having spent a weekend with Ian Pan in Chicago
i’m just tired of being a child unable to live in my emotions!
i imagine living in europe would save me
rear me
but could it?
isn’t that just another trick of the mind?
i talked with my sister on my mobile phone last night for an hour or so…
oh, right before sunset
the trees fell into silhouette
the sky a strata of 7 shades or so
of blue, violet, purple, pink, red, orange, white
light clouds
back-dropping the bare forest
i talked my sister through he basics of gay cruising
in an effort to teach her about connecting to someone through the eyes
followed by the body
til a full connection is made
she said
“i base most of my decisions on my emotions”
and i wonder if she really does?
and could i talk with her about what it feels like to live in her emotions?
jesus… do i already and trick myself constantly into unawares?
any reader who’s read my journal
or known me for a while
you see this happens to me every time i stand still
some ghost catches up with me
and settles back into my body
haunting me endlessly
my child’s mind cannot comprehend
and there is no competent mother or father anywhere to dispel my curse