passing thoughts

sunset on last year

yesterday i spent the whole day in bed
the rain came down hard
i kept falling asleep
and waking up
i sent my spirit out to find Goat’s dad
to help him die
the whole house
i fell back asleep
the rain came down
i turned on my belly
came up on my knees
chest flat on the bed
butt up in the air
i remembered
from the summer in the sun naked with Leo
this is the best position to relax and open the asshole
… breathe through it
i should to this every day.
———-
last night at the party
i did my best to enjoy being with them
but i wasn’t on drugs
and there just weren’t any going around
no booze left when i got there
no pipes nor joints being passed around
— i guess everyone had done everything before i arrived.
it occurs to me that i am just not a party person
in fact
i’m not much of a people person
i’ve always felt more comfortable on the outside
no, not true: i’ve always BEEN on the outside
and i’ve always felt UNcomfortable in the middle of everyone
when i’m at peace with myself, i am comfortable on the outside
i often feel like spending too much time with any one person is a waste of time
i like the sage/medicine-man stance much more:
people come to me for help and council: then go back to their lives.
could i have a satsang of wizards? i’d love that…
but that’s often my problem with “boy-friends”
they tell me all of their woes, they vent
i give them advice
they like it or they don’t
if they do
they keep feeding me their misery for me to process
if they don’t
they shy away
some case in point:
they give me their joys
as that is how THEY know to love
and when i start feeding them my misery
they shut off
balanced diet?
this is the relationship requirement:
i want us both to do the work and the gifting.
… here i am wanting again
——-
last night was a party
Willie was driving over
and though it had been raining hard all day
about an hour before darkness came
the rain stopped and the sky opened up
by nightfall
no clouds
moon almost full
the winter forest was glorious
i decided i would rather walk to the party
because i had seen people walking by to get to that house before..
So Willie gave us directions
and off we went
no flashlights:
the bare trees let the moon shine through
however
i’d never walked to this place before
and had no idea that the road there was so perilous!
a long walk down a steep old logging road
which eventually gave way to hill-streams cutting paths across our way
fallen trees
i’d rolled a spliff with G
so he and i smoked it once we could hear the sounds of the party bouncing around in the hollers
when the house became visible
it was a sight to behold!
like a roadside inn in an old forest
like a castle in the distance
ablaze with the dregs of the fading year
however
a stream was flowing mightily between us and there
… walking up and down looking for a bridge or tree or stones
to no avail
we removed our shoes and waded across
i turned to gerry and said
“when i first met you i was in my transition
from being a weak person
to believing i’m strong…
many of the things you said to me then
made that apparent
… it’s even clearer now.”
the walk to the party was more of a celebration for me
than actually being at the party.
——-
many “years” ago
i lost interest in most secular holidays.
. . .
most holidays in general
as i fell further and further from the common “working world”
they lost any meaning they had for me
.. i created some new ones
but they were fluxus on how i was feeling
and who i was with
still
i’ve had to deal with them
as most of the world i live in finds them very interesting
these last few days
when people have said “Happy New Year to you!”
i respond
‘ and Happy Arbitrary Calendar New Year to you too! ‘
the winter solstice is an important new year to me
like a new moon: the beginning of a cycle.
the dying of last year’s sun: the rebirth of this
… but the Sun ISN’T the moon
and doesn’t wax and wane like it…
it’s wavering patern is more about the seasons
so i also celebrate the spring equinox as the new year
… as does Islam, i believe…
for the fact that it is when all life wakes up anew
so, in fact, is reborn from its long death of winter
i also respect the Judaic new year of the Autumn Equinox
as they look at Death as the beginning of life
and i like that stance
so have my own respect for that time as well
loving the Moon
i also follow the Chinese new year
with the last moon being somewhere in Aquarius
and the new moon around there beginning a new animal cycle
… if i had druids in my life, i would follow the Ogham tree calendar as well…
but i don’t.
but i also mark my own birthday (and the gap between as growth, the new year starting again on my progressed day ) as a “new year” of sorts…
all of these with so much meaning to me
where at the arbitrary calendar new year just means i have to write
’07 instead of ’06
or whatever…
and seeing that i rarely fill out forms by hand anymore
that’s very little consideration for me.
and seeing that i mostly function as time being an illusion anyway
it’s just another nod at respecting the human game anyway…
——-
i’ve been noticing a new awareness i have:
plastic is hardened petroleum product
i was holding a plastic jar this morning when it clicked into clarity
so many things of this world are molded out of a hardened jelly substance
… even glass is flowing..
what stays?
—–
after writing the “scared” posting
where i yammered so much about my problem with aries
Goat harped on me about how self obsessed i am
indeed! i am!
i said that in the post!
a few days later
i added another few lines to it
sending it off with a self-satisfied smugness
a quiet voice spoke in my ear
saying:
“you will continue to have these Aries in your life until you learn to have selfless motivation”
and i heard it as true.
my aries moon imbues me with that Looking Out For Number One attitude all the time
” i can take care of myself better than anyone else can ”
” Yes, i love you; but i love me more ”
” some one has to, so it may as well be me ”
it’s a trust issue
how do i live and actually trust someone will take care of me as well as i can?
or better?
once i’m secure and safe in my life
i will be able to get on with my real work
and
indeed
be able to truely love someone else
… so i guess that should really be my focus
as a fortune cookie once told me (and i kept it around for ages)
“Find a place to stand and move the world”
i’m looking! i’m looking!
i’m building! i’m building!

sunset on yesterday
and for those who’ve come this far and might like some more…
i just took time to answer a question in my comments
and tucked another picture and some music in there…
http://waltzingtree.livejournal.com/192801.html?view=288289#t288289