Pai Nosso

Our Father
Who Art of Heaven
Hallowed Be
Thy Kingom’s Come (cum?)
Thy Will be Done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Fruits
and for give us our Trespasses
as we forgive those
who tresspass against us
Lead us into Temptation, if it pleases you
but deliver us from evil
Amen.
So,
i came out to João
then we lay down to sleep
in the darkness
he asked for a massage
but not like “oh, my back hurts”
but
“come up here and touch me”
i had told him my pains about my Gay Issue
which upset me so much
how the people in the city seemed so full of angst
terror
anger
and not love
and not life
and yes, that is where love must be made most
but it wears me out…
i said
“i wish i could be with people like you who were gay”
and becareful what you wish for…
i started giving him a Breema-style massage
he on his back
me working his feet and legs
feeling the energy
i closed my eyes
into the sway of his body and flow…
i opened my eyes to the smell of his musk
rock hard
what could i do?
but this is not Sex
rather
this is not Love.
this is Service.
i am a Servant very often.
when i feel out of place
i serve.
i make food.
i give massage.
i serve the body and the heart
the mind and the One…
get myself out of the way
and be what else is asked of me
so i did not get to cuddle
be close and intimate and loving
just serve.
understaning my lesson
with its taste in my mouth
i slept well…
and was woken in the morning to Jacira at the door
in a rush!
inviting us to the her father’s boat.
Now, when i was hanging out at her house
i saw all her father’s stuff
crazy art work everywhere
and she said he slept on his boat most often
he loved it there
… i have this thing for Sailors…
so i told her i wanted to meet her Father.
we got to the boat
and of course
he is this bear
with sun and salt beaten face
beard
belly
big legs
gruff kind nature
i am in love!
ah.. the nature of father’s with their children.
no one speaks english much
i play around
the boat is sliding through the water
boat=barak?
sail=vela
sailing=velajure
he gives me his swimming trunks
(you know the thrill of feeling his clothes against your own skin, yes? knowing the same place that touched him touches you…)
i dove into the water and swam with glee in the beautiful blue
he calls out
“be careful for those Sharks!”
i look up at him with a start
and his face is open and smiling
and i know he is kidding
and i laugh and play
(as opposed to my own father, who always made me feel scared and angry at him for scaring me… i can tell he is doing this to get our attention… to make us aware of how everything is OK and there is nothing to fear…)
i watch him with his arm around his Daughter
and have i ever mentioned?
i am gay, you know, so i do not have a wife and children
but before i knew this
i wanted my wife and children to always sleep together
naked at home in our city apartment
nude bodies spooned snug and warm every night
and honey and i making love in the same bed with the babes…
so they would know love and tenderness and intimacy as i did not , alone in some dark crib
and when they were old enough and desired
they would know it was ok to join in
and we would all make love to eachother
as the family expanded…
when i see father’s with their children i always think there is something sexual about it..
always have…
and his arm around her
his other hand on his cock
see?
i become entranced…
he feels it
everyone always feels it
they just, sometimes, pretend not to
she is out playing on the mast now
an i am watching him
he touches himself, mid-flacid
i am swooning
i say
“Pai, como se sama?”
he says
“Pai means Father… my name is José”
“i know” i say
i know.
the boys
the babes
the sisters and brothers
… fathers.
Our Father…
when i was in the Current room the last week
i thought often about sex
working out sex
remembering sex
the prayer of sex
the duity of sex
of love.
my mother said
“when you have sex with all these men… do you think it is love?”
i stammered…
“sometimes…”
of course!
we need to love!
but we gotta put our hearts in it
i am scared of love…
in the current
i sat one day
listening…
i felt love
it washed through my body in heat
like loving hands smoothing everything
>>who are you?<<
— i am god —
who is god?
problem i have:
God to me is like the Great Spirit
like the Universe…
like Ma…
how do you say?
Binha…
The mother of the universe, more…
God does not have a personality
god just IS
everything is god
i am god
you are god
keyboard is god
and god is not vengeful
god just is
and god is not loving…
ugh.
when i was in amsterdam in 2002
i got my heart eaten out in those dark rooms
i met man after man
pleading for love
COME BACK TO MY HOUSE!
but they wouldn't
they were on vacations
their boy-friends waited
their husbands at home
it was porn
it was not real
it was wank
what the fuck?
i had my heart eaten….
i met a whitch, his name was Joe
he was in all black biker leathers…
he was a biker
with hair down the middle of his back
he was german
he was a witch
he said
" what the fuck do you think you're doing? "
i told him i was having trouble with god
"what?"
i am trying to create a god who is more perfect than i am…
i am a solopsist so often
life lives up to my integrity
and i break so often
i forget
i give myself away
i lose myself!
an do not fully know compassion and love
if i believed in a god who was perfect
who knew all
and was always loving
i could appeal to him for help when i need it
and actually TRUST that he could help me
but i only believe in the WHOLE of the universe
a play space where a dis-passionate god is us
all ov us
doing whatever we want
whenever we want
just to have an experience
nothing right, nothing wrong
good or bad
but in this silly human story we have created
that i always find so difficult to relate to
and just don't understand
and i don't believe in their gods
because they are just masks…
" you know it cannot be done… something lesser cannot create something greater "
and this is true…
and flowing in the current i looked to Jesus
Jesus is a Pagan god.
he was created as a face of God
a loving face
and all-forgiving, all-loving mouth of god
the body of god that was chaste and perfect of loving
but he is as much story as any other god
created from our collective dreams and desires
and those who fall back into the passion of these created gods
live the satellite existance of our collective desires
is this a bad thing?
of course not…
but there are some that would like to be gods in their own right
an old native american saying i got from Laughing Coyote:
"your life is a gift from great spirit… what you do with it is your gift back"
so you can be a god
you can make a world
you can rape the earth
you can have a boy and love him
or torture him
or ignore him
you can devour your fellow creatures
you can love
you can paint on the canvasses of the forgotten workers
telling the tales of the un-expressable woes you recieve through your own connection to our myriad illusions
why do i find the world to be such a torture chamber?
the world of man, i mean…
the world of the earth is beautiful to me
you eat what you want
eat the fruit
eat the beast
you get eaten when you get eaten.
you dance in the rain
you die in the snow
the animals…
ask the monglians, they will show you
they just wander on thier horses
sing little songs
eat and eat and eat and freeze and die and get born
get born again.
who is god?
and does he love me?
does god care?
sure: do i care?
god and me, we're great buddies
in the current
god whispers in my ear
"i love you"
and i kinda laugh
coz i can feel it
but i really don't understand it
(my friends hit me on the head, trying to get me out of there)
and who is this god
and how do i melt the hate in the world?
what i know of love, there in the current
i thought of not Our Father
but my own Pai
my papi
it hurts to write this now!
but that
from him
love is Poison.
he made me out of love?
he loves me?
it hurts
he hurts my mother and my sister and my brother and himself
so
he hides from this
he hides from his loves
HEY
it hurts
and the love that pours down from his
is one of control and hate
he hates his gay son
he hates himself
and he's dying because of it
hey, we're all dying of something
but when i try to love my dad
it kills me
when i love through this genetic line
this great story of the Sowinsky(i)s
it poisons me and who i am around
when i say
"i love you"
it means i will control you, dominate you and own you
and you will be mine
and i will throw scraps to you to keep you there at my feet
and i will whip you and tell you how bad you are
and my own anger and hate will eat me from the inside out
and i will say " i love you " and you will be a bleeding mess at my feet
as a die from a stroke or a heart attack.
what is that?
i was with my mother
i got angry at her for being with him
when she would pick up the phone to talk with him
her joy would dissapear
she would become so sad
so crushed
WHY DO THIS?
and what about this Hate..?
it is not love, it is hate
and i have always thought i was made of hate and love
and once i thought i was an anti-christ…
my brother told me so, my mother thought i worshiped satan
nine inch nails and the million anger rockers
how do we melt this hate?
how do we clearly label this hate?
say "you do not love me, you hate me. just own it. fuck off!"
but maybe there is a place in the world for hate…
does god love me or hate me?
he loves me!
he had given me the whole world to play in and enjoy!
why am i so hung up on my father hating me
when he does his best to love me
but hates himself
or his dad
or something
and can't get over it?
they tell me to leave him, make peace and forget it
but i cannot
i tried
and i don't want to
it is very american to run away from the past and start anew
but that is just bullshit
america is a mess because of that
and i don't agree with it
how do we love the hate?
i told Frank and Dave
whom i lived with in arizona,,, back in the days of '98
i told them
" we are all in this together, kid.
what you do to the least of my people you do to me
and i will never be happy and i will never be free until everyone on this planet has stopped suffering "
and more enlightened people have told me it is their choice to suffer
it is their deal
well fuck that
i am suffering too
and, tyrant that i am, i want to quit this suffering
and, therefore, need to quit theirs as well
or
i am 25
when i turn 30 will my feet grow closed?
will my head and heart shrink to contain only my own body?
will i be only my own self?
seperate from the rest
able to toss off my family
and the palestinians and the jews
and the people dying in their lonely rooms
and the hospital rooms
and the televisions
(laughs)
will i find an antidote for this poison?
i know that
if we all loved eachother
if GOD actually was a total state of Love
this world would not exist
i used to shout this at people with my anger
because of their joy in beer and football and bullying
i was stuck here to be their gimp!
no, i love being in the trees
i love being naked at the beach
in the forest
the hot springs
love eating the fruits from the branch
how come all you fools are taking this earth from me
when it is all i love and all i want?
if we were in a total state of love
nothing would exist
it takes this balance of love and hate
to create seperation
that stays together
in these modicum of interesting situations to play out
beauty
mosaic
UGH!
(laughs)
meanwhile
i am on a tropical island.
i spent a few hours meditating today
João's girlfriend arrived
and i left them to eachother
we had some breakfast together at about 2pm…
i meditated a while
rested, let my tired body rest and heal
read more of "One Hundred years of Solitude"
which i went back through and found things i had missed
what a strange world…
outside the door
there is love
inside the chest
there is love
my heart hurts here
outside
there is a beach!
there is a party going on
and the rain is falling down from leaf to leaf
getting together
having a party
they join
and everyone wants to
they come-a-running down the hillside
and become a stream
jump over rocks to bathe my sweaty body
and out into the ocean
i looked at João yesterday on the boat
"How do i say ' i want to jump into the ocean like a rain drop and become one with it'?"
he smiled.