So, i just got home from NYC last night
the wind in the trees as the night turned cool
(as i stood in the breeze in nothing but my silk long johns)
— i spent the whole day in bed
sleeping with Goat again…
he wakes up every night to pee
i’ve never been with someone who does that before
and i’m out of habit
so this morning it got me up before dawn
and though he just rolled over and snored back to sleep
i turned and turned and turned and turned
and turned and turned!
no sleeping til the sun had breached the horizon
and when i did
i was being tormented by Trevis
i don’t remember the story
but he was dead or i was dead
or there was something about art
poetry
Richard?
i don’t know
but it was a perfect prelude to the day:
Goat banged around the house all morning
working out and stacking wood
he fed me the suggestion of sleeping all day
which i didn’t do
but i put in the DVD of “The Devil and Daniel Johnston”
which i’ve had for a few weeks from Netflix and hadn’t watched yet..
it made me cry
and it shocked me in many ways
— for any of you who have been reading my current posts
you know this satyrn return his helping me process a lot of my dad stuff
and i was surprised that all i could feel when i saw Daniel (currently, as an adult)
was how i wanted to hug him and fix him
but not a fixing him so much as heal him
i very strongly got this whole image of hugging him and laying with him in bed
sleeping with him
talking with him a lot
and hearing his stories
listening to his ramblings
and somehow connecting him from his source through his mouth
.
.
.
i had the strange occurance of TWO calls the last few days in NYC
from people i’d never met
and knew nothing about
both having found me somewhere on line and being moved to call me
the one from TN wanted to pick me up at the airport and take me back here to Goat’s house
(as he’d last read my posting about how i was stuck in NYC because goat was in Bristol…)
i thanked him, and told him i’d be home soon.
my last night
i got a call from someone very nervous
who tried to convince me he wasn’t a freak or anything
but wanted to tell me how much my writing meant to him
… it was funny to hear him being so excited
and trying (and failing) to reign him self in
when i told him i was leaving the next day
he said “oh, story of my life”
poor guy
— he’s not emailed me– if you’re reading this
get in touch
what he said that struck me the most was
“from your writing i can tell how connected you are…
and i want to connect with you so i can be connected to the world in the way you are”
which reminded me of an understanding i had years ago
of touching eachother
and
like a giant tube
from god
through man
to the universe entire (through the earth.. the stars.. the space…)
and once the connection was made
the more present we could be in connection
the wider and more fluid we could be
the more aligned we were
the more we’d resonate
and the more god would flow through everything
through us
becoming
embodying all
saying these things in words is kinda dumb
but it’s a beautiful and passionate feeling in me
— it’s what i wish for with all the attention i receive
that i can connect us all more fully
that is the meaning of “vine”
anyway
back to Daniel
in the documentary
he also brought up an interesting point
(in one of his manic ramblings when he was youger)
[and have you noticed that the doctors called me “Manic/Depressive”? — i’ve never believed in labels like that — disease — i take it as my strength]
he talked of how the sugar and sodas and candies were being used as drugs to make the children more suseptable to TV’s programming
to make them “cast spells”
was the words he used
clear to me
he was refering to the raw potential of children’s imaginations
of beings who believe in their imaginations much more than most adults to
to control and steer their imaginations creates the future in a powerful way
not only by conditioning the children to believe reality is a certain way
but by steering their wills to conform reality to that imagining
— you know
i believe reality is an agreed-upon condition
and the more of us who use our belief and will to wish it into what we desire as upposed to accepting what we fear and settle with
the more the world will become our heaven
when daniel “went crazy”
did he see this?
as i’ve seen on acid
i know how scary it could be
i only had Catholicism to contend with
(that is, when we come to the awareness that we ARE god, we then have to fight with the God we grew up with)
his Fundamental monster might have been much tougher than mine.
mmm
mmm
mmm
Ah
and yeah
the last thing
( i made notes while watching the movie )
yet again
he is an excellent testament to how
perverted emotions makes better art
that is
around the same time i was having these acid understandings
i also understood that i could be a great artist if i twisted my emotions and fractured them
or
if i just settled into my emotions and lived them smoothly
i could just experience the world free of drama
with calm conscious understanding
it was a struggle for me
because i WANTED to be an artist
yet with Artistic examples of perverted emotions around me
i was terrified of having to live with those reality distortions in order to make beautiful art
and… garnish the attention i desired from it
it is still that way
of the artists that i know
their emotional processing is SO confused
thus
they can’t just Deal on a human level
they need to make an external ritual of experiencing their emotions
= ART!
i’m still trying to foster love and compassion through my anger and confusion
to feed my will to create beauty and . . . Education.
and Attention!
bringing people to attention
not just of me
but of their LIFE
and what they are creating.
HUUUUUUUUU
what a work!
ZO
i wrote this email to the guy who promoted Daniel during most of his career
… as a way to tell him my story of my connection with Daniel
and tell him i was very grateful for the work he did
(he got a bit shit on in the whole dealings)
::::
— i was introduced to Daniel by a friend named Richard Siken
when i was living in Tucson Arizona in 98
he made me a Daniel Mixtape
and a copy of Kathy’s covers
…
he told me it would help me understand sorrow and genius
as i was in the midst of my nervous breakdown
(similar, actually: taking acid with a lot of un-dealt-wish artistic shit)
Richard is a poet
a jew
and an enigma
i don’t even know if we were friends
but he was a wonderful guide
and hearing Daniel’s stuff really helped me understand a lot about how depression can be used
Richard told me that Daniel’s music was the most hopefull stuff he’d ever heard
and helped him through most of his sadness
it took me a long time to get that..
and my biggest fear in my life at that time
was going crazy and getting hospitalized
i’d heard some myth of daniel
that, after seeing the documentary today, i realized were all wrong
but in the story
Daniel had recorded his first few records IN the institution
and even that gave me hope
anyway
telling stories is how i deal with my life
and i just wanted to share that with you
for some reason
thanks for writing back to me
i’m glad i can send some support
and
again
i’m sorry to hear how his family is treating you
but i’ve known so many situations like that
so it’s not really that much of a surprise
i hope someday daniel becomes free and happy
connects his creation with his confidence again
and breaks out of the fear fostered by his family
— in my youth i was always attracted to men like him
(serious!)
and watching the movie today made me cry
wishing that someone could just love him and help him put his pieces together
when you see him next
give him a hug from me
————————-
— he wrote me back to tell me that he’s not allowed to sell Daniel’s stuff anymore
because the family wants to be able to take in all the money
(this infuriates me)
so for any of you fans and appreciators
visit his site
and send him an email and kick him a few bucks on paypal
mysteries abound!
this was a surprisingly very long post
examining many fundamental beliefs