we’re talking about the porn theater down the street
aptly called “The Garden”
— he went there once… Twice, really
didn’t enjoy it either time
though the first time he didn’t know what he was getting himself into…
there’s a time and place for everything
there’s a style for everyone
i told him i’d never done the porn theater thing..
a few years ago
i did the porn-booth thing a few years ago
— excited to experience a new method
and found it entirely dissatisfying in every way
— bad sex, bad location, no connection…
it’s no surprise…
but to married men
closeted men
incredibly surpressed men
— it’s a breath of [not fresh] air
i said
“it’s like going from a fish bowl to a fish tank”
and he laughed and said “That’s the Perfect Analogy!”
— i’ve been thinking lately about the midwest
how there are different flows
different rivers…
maybe it’s not about local so much
as the way people live
some people
in puddles
some in creeks
cricks!
streams
rivers
sea
ocean
different flows
sizes
growth and change
— we adapt to what we got…
it’s what we got
got to work with
what else would we do?
what else could we do?
i’m getting angry…
cranky
sleep deprivation?
or overload?
damn
fucking old friends
and all the sadness everywhere
listening to a million sad stories
the sad people
i’m sad!
yes… so many other things
“i open my heart chakra to the joy of living”
but
god
damn
so much sadness everywhere
and the really terrifying thing to me:
people Living in their sadness
just talking about it
saying what it is
and that’s what it is
and what it was
and here we are!
and maybe that’s healthy
but
dear reader
of course
i’m running
running from the sadness
dancing
bending
streatching
doing my best to find the place and shape to be in
where it’s not proliferating sadness
run run
why run?
it’s just a feeling…
there are always so many others…
Like what we see on TV
and for the last few days
it’s been watching lots of TV
lots of TV
TV on all the time
Seinfeld
or just the box
the adverts
the formulaic shows
variations on the themes to make people feel like it’s about them
the tired old scripts, jokes
makes me sick
makes me angry
existentially, philosophically infuriated
he says “i think it’s true… what they say about Evil…”
i say
“evil is a construct of society
and society is insane”
i wander around the streets with him today
annoyed with art
thinking it’s all silly
stupid
but the marble plaque
like a headstone
with a quote from the Calvino book “Invisible Cities”
oh
obviously i need to read that again…
there are good things in the world!
but i don’t care about them right now
i’m tired and sad
there are people driving Hummers
and yelling for hours in the church next door about their N/A experiences
i guess i’m just overloaded
and i’m looking forward to being home
and emulating one of my friends in the city ( a few months ago… often )
sit in the house
and not contact anyone for a few days
not return calls or emails
just sit
read a book
mumble to myself
eat out?
i guess i’ll walk around
ride my bike?
New York is a great city to be antisocial in
— people will ignore you if you make yourself invisible
and with so much to be distracted by…