notes about rejection

sorry that last post was so cryptic
most people assumed it was I who was being rejected

and saying such rubbish to me as “i can’t believe anyone would ever reject you”
i am well aquainted with rejection
having grown up an ugly loser dork kid
i had random people i didn’t even know spit on me in the halls and call me stupid child-hood insults
for no reason that i knew of…
and even today
whenever i’m in Gay Land
i get a million walls put up against me
oh, it’s the unkempt hair, the untrimmed beard… the beard in general
the baggy, raggy clothes
it’s my body odor.
the fact i don’t wear deoderants
and that i do wear strange flowery, musky, herby plant oils
and not Kalvin Clien
it’s just that i’m Alien, often
and not just for these superficial examples
but something about my heart… my aura
the way i move through reality
i’m kinda always ripping it to pieces
and moving energy around
— re-arranging space and time and feelings
or at least imagining ways i could do so…
which causes ripples…
and even though many Normals in Gay Land (or even Normal Land)
don’t believe in such things… as these re-arranging and these ripples
they are affected by them
and they can feel them
and it’s offensive
i know
most of my life people have been intimidated by me
been afraid of me
so they reject me:
it makes them safe.
Rejection is an act of Fear.
that last post was about me coming to conclusion that i would reject a girl i’ve known from the age of 2
we weren’t really friends then
i thought she was strange
and didn’t like her family
they were all pale and red
and had funny names
but as i went through puberty
she was there
and we came together and causes sparks
she and i and this other boy
as well as satellites and other players
but it was mainly the three of us
that boy, i rejected him back in 2001
that was very sad for me
and i tried to re-cant
but it was over
done with
and of all the times i’ve mourned the loss of him
i’m still glad we’re no longer interacting
This girl.. i was rejected from her in 2005
it was very painful for me
http://waltzingtree.livejournal.com/2005/07/29/
i just updated it to include her details of the story
just read through the comments people left when i wrote about what happened
and i noticed i said “i don’t think they burned them or anything”
— referring to my journals
that is, the regular writings i kept from the age of 14 to 19
what precipitated this “rejection” of this old childhood friend is
while mercury retrograded three months ago
she got back in touch and asked if we could still be friends
— no apologies.
i told her i didn’t trust her
and then told her i understood why she thought the data i omitted was so important
— she really did “love” her husband (it’s a terrible disease, i know)
and thus believed that his monstrous actions could be justified
that her own were permissible
and that is something i don’t understand
nor agree with
well, i didn’t hear from her again until this mercury retrograde cycle
where she started it up again
and i
tentatively
had an online conversation with her
it was about a week before she admitted that she had, indeed, burned my journals.
then said she might not even be telling the truth about that
and i don’t need these mind games and bull shit
And i had just taken stock of our relationship
coming to the conclusion that she’d burned me really bad Twice… if she did anything like that a third time, i would have to close the door..
and this was the third thing
Door closed.
when i sent the email telling her that i would always love her
but would not be communicating with her
(rejection)
she sent a barrage of emails
and it was painful
but i kept asking myself
“what does she want?”
she could have called me
she could have called me years ago…
what could she possibly want from me?
we had such an amazing friendship
but i’ll never trust her to that level again
and what we had
i don’t need anymore
not all that poison
but all that magic!
it is a great loss…
and thinking i might be sacrificing that magic through a choice made out of fear…
and in the last few days
i’ve thought of two other people i am currently in the same position with
people that, when they contact me, i refuse to respond
i just ran into another boy last week who did this to me for years
and i thought he was absurd
now, when we see eachother
it’s just annoying and painful
and i get out of his space as quickly as possible
— and this was After a year of trying to be friends again
“… some things can never wash away”
there’s a man i lived with when i first lived in NYC
who i wonder about all the time
but i also kicked him out of my life
and all of the times i’ve wondered
and wished i could hear from him
i KNOW it’s better not to
some relationships understand they are over
some struggle and fight more
but when a relationship ends from Choice
all of the possibilities fall to the ground
and glimmer like diamonds…
in the dust and shit of the rest of the relationship
it’s attractive
alluring
hopefully wishing we could cull that preciousness back
but it’s not going to happen.
and Hey, life is FULL of Possibilities
right?