no cohesion to my thoughts tonight

no cohesion to my thoughts tonight

drunk straightjewish guy asks me
if it doesn’t make me angry to see that guy (Danny) romantacising My Man (Dust)

perhaps ogives off the vibe
coz I do live him
friends
as I love
but…
I love Danny too
differently
but
I dunno
I was happy to see them touching
cuddling, kinda
dust was stroking his face at one point
but at this point
Danny was behind him massaging his shoulders and all over
Drunk Jewish Guy calls me out
really?
should I be jealous
I try to explain to him I am not that kind of posessive

later, over manhattans
he tells me I do work my jealousy..

I like his intelligence
his ability to see and know the things I often miss
while I do sone of the same
I see a distance
not a disparity

earlier
Danny and I were talking
and he admitted to being tired of the ethnic diversity of NYC
which is one of the things so attractive to me
he grew up here
and, I imagine, has had to battle it his whole life for his identity
still, he’s more culturally integrated than me
so much so he doesn’t even know it

Danny massaged me for four hours last night
I had to tell him to stop
so I could stumble to bed
as I was passing out

today
we hung out around the house
I decided to tackle my kombucha
and boiled some roots
D grated some Ginger
I made a few different blends
it took hours
it was fun
making potions

late as we ever were
we headed down town to see an artist collective make sculpture
I ditched Danny coz Dust was over it (he got there before us and had already left… we dragged him back
and the paint fumes were a bit much for me anyway…) they sounded like great conceptual artists
this particular manifestation wasn’t turning me on that much

Dust and I went to eat at a Thai place on 23rd

I’ve got money
not rich
but more than I need
and he doesn’t right now
I’m allowed to be the sugar daddy
we joke
but it makes me feel good
for all those years I couldn’t buy my own dinner or drinks

still
$30 for drinks at the rawhide was a bit much
and I was told about the importance of understanding that sometimes a daddy can only support one boy

I’m still young enough I’m just a sugar brother
I felt bad
only afterwards
I ditched Danny again
with some guy he told me about
who knocked people out at bars
like my birth brother
but to be avoided
though I had some attraction for him physically
I had no patience left for the context
gave him my card and fled

I really enjoy hanging out with Danny
why did I ditch him twice?

because he spent the night at my house and I’d had enough?

something something
born with a weak heart
I tire quickly

watching the go go boys rub their muscular bodies
offering a sampler
of the full special you can buy privately later
who doesn’t understand anything ever?

the party
wrap for the film
felt out if place
but happy to hang with G and D&D
and some other really great people there
and odd drunk people who no one knew who wouldn’t leave

what’s that like at your own place?

faith it will take care of itself

watching men on the train sleeping on their way home
such thick faces, skulls, noses
his hair so dense and close around his face
like a mythical animal
sleeping
why’s he out alone?
where’s he going?

handsome big man just got on
smiling
where’s he going?

My Man
what would I do with you?

I still imagine I’m preparing
all the time for waiting
but I’m almost home now

.iP