movies in my head

… so
after my long day at the internet cafe
i missed the dinner party.
i was invited to dinner
with N&K last night
we were supposed to be there at 5
well
come 4
i was walking out to the street
gonna hitch-hike
some girl said she liked my pants
nice
smiles
i got to the road
and stood there for a while
i’ve never had good luck with hitch-hiking
and this didn’t look like a good place to do it
i stood there and stood there
and stood there.
when i’m running late
everything runs late with me
when i’m in a hurry
i’m always walking up to the train platform
as the train is leaving the station
well fuck me
i thought i would walk to the other end of town
there’s a traffic light there
how long could it be?
well
i was in “slippers” (i grew up calling them “flip-flops” — sandals that only have a simple strap over the top of your foot, connecting through the big and second toe, ya know?)
and it wasn’t so much fun to walk in them
still
it was nice to see the lay-out of the town
farms, etc…
but no cars were stopping
and i was getting worried
— it’s only 7 miles from Pahoa to the farm
how long could it take to get there?
as long as it would take…
on the walk
i noticed some sharpie scrawl on a metal railing
(near nothing, what other kids were walking this road…?)
“this cuntry is a vampire / she eats her kids / and throws the bodies underneath the bridge”
i thought that was very clever
never seen it spelled “Cuntry” before
fucking nations, sick nations
and these kids growing up here
feeling the vibe…
when i got to the other end of town
i saw a Hawaiian lady walk up to the intersection
sit on a railing
and hold out her thumb
in about a minute someone stopped and took her away
i stood there
and at this point i would be late
so i called N and told him i had failed to get a ride
i would be walking
would he please pick me up?
he sounded a bit exasperated
but agreed to.
to i was walking
i was walking
and it started to rain
i was walking
i walked about 3 miles
and N&K never came.
i was very sad
and very angry.
no cars stopped.
i approached an intersection of some terrible [looking] Subdivision
“Leilani Estates”
(shudder)
two boys were there
one sitting on the sign
one
thumbing it
a white pick-up pulled up and stopped on my side of the road
so i picked up the pace to get to him
but he wasn’t gonna give me a ride
he was just cussing out someone on his phone
in a deep southern drawl
(hmmm, fat pig farmers from alabama…)
fuck
the local kid
very pale
red/speckly
looks at me
“how ya doing?”
– Walkin’.
so i walked
by now
i had blisters on multiple places of both feet
about two minutes later
a pick-up truck with the two kids i’d just walked passed
stopped to pick me up
i jumped in the back and we sped off
the driver was hawaiian
long hair
cool looking
the two kids grew up here
brothers, i imagine
probably mid-teen-agers
asked me if i smoked cigarettes (specifically)
no.
the younger one said “down” (as in, “right where the hill starts to go down”)
with an accent much like a canadian
what’s it like to grow up Howlie in Hawaii?
— when i was walking
i’d passed two houses
one was big and sprawling
looked like a crazy apartment building
but i was sure it was one house
big over-hang garage
a bunch of hawaiians outside
having a cook-out
talking, laughing
drinking
the house right next to theirs
was the most bland
boring
vinal-sided grey monstrosity
one story. modest.
white picket fence
i kid-you-fuckin-not
huge american flag waving in the wind
right by the gate
some smooth-love-making black man music playing
no people visible
american dream
right on the highway.
anyway
when my ride dropped me at Opihikau road (where we live down)
i walked to the first pull off
(just 50 feet or so)
big signs everywhere
NO TRESSPASSING
KAPU
PRIVATE
STAY OFF!
beautiful view
much like two similar sites i’d walked by
same thing
gorgeous to look at
signs everywhere
one was “real estate”
they’d hacked a path through the jungle
and covered it was red rock
to make it look like something was there
something could be there
“Imagine this 86.6 acres is yours!”
…
i stood at that turn out for a while
it was 5:30.
when i got a ride
it was in the back of another pick-up
with a boy in it already
he said
“pardon his speed (the driver). his emotional state is unbalanced right now… he’s not trying to kill you.. he’s trying to kill me”
Love, brother
Aloha.
i was so sore and pissed off
i walked up the road to the house
the dogs were barking
(dogs: root chakra avatars…
they’ve been barking at me all week
the easiest way for me to tell that They don’t trust me… their warning radar is detecting me…
the dogs weren’t doing that to me last week, were they?
my sisters dogs always barked at me…
so Tori’s “Space Dog” was spinning through my head as well. )
the boys were gone, of course
i called the guys we were supposed to be having dinner with
‘sorry, guys… i tried’
“yeah, sorry we missed you… another time..”
and i know the only reason they invited us all over was because they wanted me to be there — N&K said they’d never invited them over before
… but the guy didn’t give me an impression i could still make it
i felt like the doors were closed
and my feet hurt
and i was stinky and sweaty
FUCK!
i showered
and tried to meditate
and played Sword of Mana for a few hours
while listening to my ipod
then slept.
this morning
i vowed not to go up to their house
all yesterday i’d had “Rattlesnakes” in my head
both the Tori and the Lloyd version
snippets of lyrics kept spinning through my head
“Jodi never sleeps
because there’s always needles in the hay”
“she says ‘ a girl needs a gun these days, he on account of all the rattle snakes’ ”
i chocked it up to watching On the Water Front the night before
indeed, that’s why i rented the movie
the lyric
“She looks like Eva Marie Sainte
in On The Water Front
she reads Simone de Beauvoir
in her American Circumstance
her Heart..
Her Heart’s like crazy baby
upside down
and back to front
she says
oh, it’s so hard to love when
love was your great disappointment.”
today it was all the album version of Tricky’s “Makes me Wanna Die”
“… and change my stride
then i’ll fly..”
“look to the sun
see me in
psychic
pollution”
“i’m walking on the moon
how could you dare?
who do you think you are?
you’re insignificant
a small piece
and ism
no more
no less”
“you try to run the universe
can’t even converse in uni-verse”
grr
i was gritting my teeth
and the rain came down
i tried doing yoga
i tried opening my heart
i read the hawaiian books
i read about love
in wondered what the fuck love was
forgiveness
love
how do i love?
how do i forgive?
FUCK!
i was so angry
how could they do that?
did they think that would teach me a lesson?
i wish they would have just said
“no, we’re not picking you up
you said you’d get back here…
so now you just have to miss dinner
unless you get back before we leave”
but they SAID they’d pick me up
FUCK
i was so angry
when the rain let up
i went out to weed
i felt like they hated me
i created movies in my head
about how they were going to throw me out
all the conversations we would have
anger
anger
Psychic Pollution
— a few nights ago
i’d talked with Normand about that
how i believe that most people can feel each other
even hear each other’s thoughts
very often
it’s not conscious
but the effect is the same
so all this shit
this anger
these stories i was playing out with my Monster Mind
was creating all this nasty psychic pollution
i tried to stop myself
i tried to forgive
i tried to love
where’s love?
“Honey, now if i’m honest, i still don’t know what Love is..”
(david grey.. i’m all wrapped up in songs today)
i realized something i’d forgotten
a few months ago
my sister told my mom i was coming back to live with them
and though i vaguely remember talking to her about it
i couldn’t remember why
i thought i was joking
but today it snapped back into my head:
i cannot love
it all stems back to my childhood
my family
and i figured that if i could go back and live with them
and learn to love them
learn to be a loving part of the family
i could get on with my life
it’s terrifying
every time i go back there
it’s like breathing cement
i get SO depressed
i always imagine i could handle it
but i’ve never been able to
so i dismissed the idea
while talking to my sister about it
IMPOSSIBLE
today i wanted to do it again
desperation
FUCK!
one of the things i read (and wrote down) from the Aloha book here is
“Recognize your value in a Family & you recognize your value in society”
Nay always talks about Family Agreements
— i am the one who sees things. witnesses that which the others are blind to
that’s what i do for everyone everywhere
and because i’m a Chatty Cathy
i can’t help tell him about it
i weeded for nearly 3 hours
having my hands in the dirt usually grounds out the static in my head
and helps me see things clearly…
dirt everywhere
so much more to do!
i came inside
ate some goji berries
some wasa crackers and almond butter
read a bit
played a bit more SoM
(learned some cool stuff…)
then went out to work on the Tree-Swing idea
thinking
at this point
that i wouldn’t talk to those two
unless they apologized to me
i would just stay away from them
and work work work
to make up for my laziness
and assuage my guilt at not doing enough
(well, now i finally feel energetic and know what i can do)
my avocado trees look like they’re dying.
Grrrrrr
so
measuring
cutting
drilling
N&K arrive home from the beach
K asks me how i am
all friendly-like
i say i’m not in the mood to talk
N comes by shortly after
and says
“we’re really sorry we missed you yesterday…
we waited til 5:15
and even drove up to Leilani Estates
but didn’t see you and had no idea where you were
or if you got a ride.. so we just went to dinner”
What?
and suddenly all of the movies in my head
that had been playing all day
fell apart
it’s a simple case of our astrological square
i called him yesterday to apologize for being late
embarrassed
asked him to come pick me up
thought i communicated that
he thought i was just going to keep trying to come
he missed the part where i asked him to pick me up
(how? who knows)
and thought he should just wait for me to get there
so it wasn’t on purpose
there was no ill-will
i’m just insecure
and scared
damnit!
(laughs)
and i
so i kept working on the swing.
i worked 6 hours today
on my own volition
so that’s good.
fucking movies in my head.
now i’m going to go eat dinner and watch a movie with them.
silly boy that i am..