more of today

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i didn’t go to sleep last night til 3
which was better than 4 the night before

Jan was out working last night
the house was empty
Leo sleeping in bed up stairs

i sorted through my stuff

first time i’ve ever traveled with so little

Leo always travels with only one small bag

so i’m emulating that

sure
after laying all my stuff out on the floor
i narrowed it down to a simple change of undergarments and a few implements

half-full little bag

i always want to bring things
to be prepared
to have the things i like
that i know most people don’t have.

but i don’t need them.

i drank my single malt scotch

and went to sleep.

amazingly
it was Leo this morning who made us late

i had hoped to sleep in later than he
but his banging around (bull:chinashop)

so i stretched
organized a bit more
even further!

and i took the wheel

drove us up to Trinidad

there was a thick layer of frost Everywhere.

i dropped Leo off at the “Lesbyterian” church
where he was facilitating a community workshop all day
and
seeing that i wasn’t properly awake
i drove down the road.

Where?

dunno: never been here before
i stopped the car about 150 feet from where i left Leo
— parking spots overlooking the Trinidad Bay

Beautiful
the whole thing covered in morning mist

in the sun
it wasn’t too cold
so i sat there
staring at the water
listening to the bouy bells
listening to the waves crashing.

my mother had sent me a book for Christmas called
“For One More Day”

she was very excited about me reading it

and as i got into it
i could see why:

it’s about how much a son loves his mother

but it kinda creeped me out

it was in that slightly gross way that Oedipus loved his mother
that i perceive most straight men as dealing with their sexuality:

their mother loved them unconditionally
so they want their wives to be an extension of that

i mean
most of our relationships are just theme and variations anyway

doesn’t anyone ever see?

sometimes it’s a curse to see things clearly

Here.

the book made me very very sad
the main character tries to kill himself
because his mother dies and he wasn’t there for it
(when he knew he should have been [echos of what i just left in TN])
and because she’s the one who held a view of him that no one else did
when she died
all of his self love (bascially) died as well
and he spiraled down
and destroyed his marriage/family
then his own life
then tried to end it

it is written in a kinda non-believable new-age-y style that i find slightly annoying/boring
but i’m reading it for my mom

the guy had a shitty dad who left he and his sister and mother alone when he was 11
his dad was an abusive italian catholic
he was doing the typical “man” thing of suppressing his emotions and trying to please the guys

it’s an ignorant/painful life to read about

and though it is working out the arduous tale of how much he loves his mom and how sad he was he let her down
then he gets one more day to make it up (to himself)
it has (so far, i only got through half of it today)
just a tale of the damage fathers inflict on their sons
who inflict that on their families
et cetera
et cetera
et c. . .

so it’s a major bummer for me
mom get’s off scape-goat-free
(though he is starting to rag on here in the middle of the book, it’s all portrayed in the light of how he wasn’t having compassion for her… fuck forgiving the father)

in the midst of reading this
i more clearly understood that it was my Mother’s betrayals of me (as a child) that caused my huge trust problems
— i always knew my father didn’t love me, so it wasn’t a big deal
but my mother
that’s like.. all she had when i was a kid
to let me down
let her self down

— i just don’t trust anyone on that level

so
as you see
i’m on a major bummer

past that

i got out of the car
and breathed the clean air

had to piss
climbed down through the ivy
climbed a tree
did yoga
marveled at the beauty

then got back in the car
and drove out to Patrick’s Point
(via a supermarket: chicken legs and water… and chocolate almonds)

my friend Denny dennisatl
tole me about this place in a post a few days ago
said there was a place there called “Agate Beach”

everything conspired to lead me there
the supermarket lady said “just take Patrick’s Point Road”
to get a key made…

i took the back way down

even though every local was parking their cars on the side of the public road
then walking in
i drove in
paid the $6 day-use fee
(coz i’d never been here, didn’t know the layout)
then drove all the way through the park to the Agate Beach lot
empty but for one other car
i got out of the car and felt the sun

Good
no coat needed
just my (long johns, rayon shirt) cord-a-roy

i headed down the trail

there was frost in all the shadows..

the trail was very wide and flat
very well maintained

is it like this for wheel chairs?
those little battery things

i fucking hate staid shit like this in nature

at that thought
i saw a deer trail to the left
and turned on to it

immediately
i was plunged into forest

big mossy branches
loamy carpet

i had to get on my hands and knees to climb through a tunnel under brush

which led to a place the cliffs had fallen down
i scaled over the wall pulling my way down dead trees
still rooted above

clay
water
beauty

i’m having an adventure
are you having an adventure?
or are you sitting on you couch like a loser?

smash your TV and have adventure

[stolen from wonder showzen]

i followed the trail over frost
through leaves and other cliffs
… to the stairs
as a nice boy/girl couple came down the main path

i talked to them
she giggled

i walked down on the beach
and took a few steps along a stream
shocked and stunned by seeing the stream abruptly end into the sand

it took me a while (probably just a few seconds, but enough to jam my thoughts) to see what was happening
i’d never been on a beach such as this
something about how deep the sand must have been:
this mountain stream poured THROUGH the beach
not over it
to the sea

(i’d never seen this before)

further along the cliff face
i saw a fissure where the water was pressing THROUGH the rock
big calcite fissures
water dripping out
i stuck my tongue out and drank some

so alive
so alive
so fucking alive and wonderful
i want to live here always

Hello.

the beach was big dark sand
strewn with rubbish
white/translucent sea weeds
lots of red-wood driftwood
and garbage: shoes, cups, scarfs… or something

i was dra
wn to the left side of the beach
the shadowed one

the drift-schmuck was so thick i walked on top of it
my shoes almost sticking in it
almost 6″ deep

— i got to a place where there were many pebbles
and saw them:
beautiful greens and reds
whites, mottled darkness…
agates
jasper
jade

beautiful
i spent however long
picking through little stones
and showing them to dennis.

Dennis was with me now

for about six years now i’ve decided there is no point to traveling alone
anything beautiful needs to be shared
or it’s just . . .

well it’s not anything
who the fuck cares?

so i journal
i take pictures

and i often meditate
connect with friends and lovers
and beam my experience to them
listen for a response… or echo

dennis told me to come here
i knew he’d want to see the beautiful rounded red wood
the amazing textures inside the stones

but he’s old and fat
like most of my friends
so he wouldn’t have climbed down the cliff face
or on hands and knees under the bushes
and certainly not what i did next
which was clamber over wet rocks looking for abalone

i didn’t find any
but i asked a nice old rock-man to hold my stuff for me
and went hunting
— he was very kind.

i found green/pink anenomae
and two types of star fish
hermit crabs
birds that eeeew’d at me (like new kittens)

the waves
the waves
the waves

the tide started to catch me
a few times i’d be crouching over something small
on a tiny rock surrounded by water
and it would suddenly start to rise, quickly
i’d have to jump over to a larger rock to keep from getting soaked

i began to be scared i’d been there a long time and the tide was coming in
was i going to be late to pick up Leo?

so i made my way back

the rock-man gave me my stuff back

the beach had about 10 more people on the beach now
all of them coupled
the father/son team i asked the time
dad was a hippy
no watch

Great!

when i got to the car
i saw my dad had called me
mmm

and it was only 1:40
i had plenty of time

so i sat in the sun with my shoes off
reading the book a bit more

outside
a boy was an asshole to his girlfriend
threatening to drive off and leave her to walk home
fucker

they came back together a few minutes later

lots of families

and fat old grandpas
with their grandmas
hmmmm

the sun was warm on my neck

then it wasn’t
i felt a chill
and decided to drive

turned off to the first access i saw again
“Musscle rock”
or something
i walked down down down

this was no beach
just huge slippery rocks
very dangerous
scary
and here
the waves were HUGE
crashing
crashing

i clambered
afraid i might die
alone
no one to see

dennis wasn’t Here with me

i got some nice pictures
and came around under
and followed another dear trail up
(oh, there was a nice open one… near the two rocks standing together, couple… and patrick point itself… with a nice couple sitting on top)

i walked up through fallen trees
over fallen trees
past little streams
mossy mossy trees

back to the car

got a message from Leo saying he’d be ready sooner
so headed back to Trinidad

he wasn’t

so i sat at that same place again waiting for him
talking to my dad on the phone
my mom

looking out at the lower tide in the bay

until Leo was done

then i got back behind the wheel
and we charged up the coast

i’ve got some plans
(as we passed the beaches, the waves crashing)

we’re gonna drive up the coast
all the way to Astoria

then we’ll spend a few days in Portland

i’ve got some clients already
and some sexy men who want to meet
and an old friend or two

… no, not my prodigal siblings… not them
bears, mostly.
bears.

then we’re driving back down.

i don’t know if i’ll get on LJ again
… well. i’m sure i’ll make some time.

if you click on the photos
they’ll now take you to my Flickr account

hope you like them

i need to sleep now.