more learning through giving…

Where did we go?
start with just the map
the skeleton
.
woke early
snoring
can’t go back to sleep
not so early
hmmm, ok
answering Some Emails
some friends made me laugh
nice soft warmth in my heart
eventually we were both awake
and i was eating grapefruits
and deciding to go to the hot springs
but the decision was changed
and we went off to mud baths
there was all sorts of reticence
but i’m a flexible one
and wanted to experience the mud anyway
…
it was clay and peat!
my body floated as it wanted
hot pockets of sulfur-y hot mineral water pooled around anywhere i moved
it was like getting gently massaged
i let my imagination take me around
and gorgeousness
it loved me and kissed me eventually got too hot
we’d asked for extra time
but enough was enough
and then for showers
and then for soaking in just hot mineral water
then a strange hot box
like a chinese take away
steaming
burning the place on my balls where his teeth had scraped…
then she wrapt me a sheet and put me on a table in a quiet room
and i drifted off into dreams…
we ate some mexican food
one burrito between the two of us
i felt bad we had three baskets of chips and five salsas…
i have an in-built-guilt about ripping off poor people.
(shrugs)
we headed back up
got to the house
and i proceeded to take some space for myself
get the house a bit organized
cleaned a few things
set it up for my client who was to be arriving
— we waited
when he finally made it
we chatted a bit
and went into the room to start it
(laughs)
now he and i had met by cruising eachother on the street in SF back in april
and he’s from louisiana and now lives in DC
not really my type
but hot anyway, so hey…
so he got here
all hard and wanting to top me
i enjoy playing with him
and getting him off twice
(but not with my ass)
then we were ready to start the massage
but i realized at this point, we would be eating dinner at about 11:30 (now, actually) if i waited to start cooking when i was finished
so i started the Kitchari
asked my friend to turn it off in an hour
and started the massage…
ahhh, so many ideas went through my head
and i won’t go into full detail of it now
just a sketch
but all the stories i’d love to tell of all the massages i’ve given
the five hour massages (didn’t they used to be “four hours”?)
every time i give a massage, if i’m centred
i learn something new
His body was teaching me about gentleness
he told me his massure in DC (a brazilian) said he sounded like a woman when he moaned
i always encourage moaning in my clients: it shows they’re feeling something and expressing it: releasing it.
then he asked me why i made big exhales…
as the massage went on: it became clear to me:
i function as a conduit
to let energy flow through me into the person:
love, healing, guidance and support…
while also letting energy flow out of them through me
— many things we cannot heal on our own: we need a friend… a lover
and i need to remain clear in order to keep flowing
i sigh deeply often when i’m massaging
as if big things are moving through me
and
like in yoga
i am helping them move…
and it snags things in me that are stuck
and gives me the chance to understand them different:
Mike, who’s visiting me here, big bear
many belief systems that i know, but don’t agree with
much like my family
much like many many people in my life right now
when i was in my late teens
i had the desire to only have people in my life that had similar ideas to me
and i sought them out
and moaned that i didn’t have enough
and that i even lost those that i thought resonated with me
now i feel very alone in my belief system
and was shown
that
in my re-acceptance of my family
i am permitting it even more to have people in my life that are just very different than i
people to be friends with
but not exactly co-creators
…
just living every-day-living
not the magic i desire.
i got to tell the story twice today
of how
when i was a child and offered the options of being a doctor or fireman or lawyer or baseball star
i just wanted to be a wizard
not an astronaut nor soldier
but a wizard
wanting to know the magic stones
walk ley lines
travel between realities
know telepathy and telekenises
the magic herbs and symbols…
i wondered if once i was walking the path to being in the illuminauti
that is
the people who aren’t people
who are hardly connected ever with the “normal” people of the world
and almost “live behind the scenes” most of the time
the living people of legend
yes
i did not want to be a pop star
i wanted to be a myth
i wanted to be a god.
gandalf. poseidon. atreyue. heimdall… odin…
“we all have dreams… you more than most… but don’t worry: i’ve got your back”
[he didn’t]
what do we do when we’re not supported by the world we know
and the world we dream of and imagine
we don’t know how to reach?
even when we could see the doors
didn’t know how to walk through them
even when our friend said “come”
didn’t know how to walk with them..
wandering around in the audiance
waiting for the show to start
while everyone back stage is waiting for the lead actor
life at a stand-still.