more about . . .

more about “resting”:
of course
i was so tired when i was writing that last night
that i really missed the point i was aiming for when i started:
it IS nice to spend time doing nothing but relaxing.
enjoying the doing nothing
reading a book, playing a video game, watching a movie
that’s healthy
but every time i WANT to get something done
those same things get in the way as distraction
— researching some historical word (burlesque) or game (backgammon)
click click clicking through pages
and of course, porn
profile porn
potential porn
it’s frustrating to see what percentage of time i’m doing the stuff i want to be doing
against the time that i’m wasting “preparing” for that.
but an artist friend of mine said that a good deal of his “work” just looks like staring at a wall
or playing with erasers
fucking around
while the pieces cometogether internally
so stuff can get done.
so real living can be happening.
—–
more about big men:
i drew up a bath for Leo this morning
how nice of me
Epsom and sea salt
with some Lavendar oil
i didn’t fill the tub much
… knowing he’d displace more water than i…
surprised, though
when he barely fit in the tub.
it’s a small tub
but i can fold myself into it
Leo just kinda plops into it
and there he is: nothing he can do
in a little puddle
not submerged at all.
oh well.
— last week in Lincoln City
after that night with Leo and the othere L
i was left feeling tiny
child-like
a little boy in a little body in a world meant for big people
the car seat seemed made for a broader back and taller man
everything
but today seeing Leo in the tub
things were reversed…
what is the right size for a person to be?
in the last few weeks i’ve come across many 6’5″ people
very tall
very big around
or even very muscular
big bodies
big people
to some skinny boys i seem kinda big
still slight..
— i still feel like i’m not the right size.
—-
in my dream a few nights ago
i killed someone?
i’d been shot
or someone else had
had i shot someone?
and i was trying to get the led to come out of my skin
or his
it was a metaphor for disease
and it was gonna kill us
right?
no
you’re gonna go on livin
with that hunk of lead in your chest
you’ll be alive
but you’ll be in pain
until you die
… yeah, but a new pain.
hungh.
and the dream i had this morning
it was pretty violent
i don’t remember all the details
what i remember most was
leo and i were driving back from somewhere
but we were in different cars
i was in some big hulking camaro
faded olive green
i was sunk back deep in the seat
it was almost hard to see over the dashboard
and i could hardly stay awake
i kept falling asleep when i should have been driving
we were stopped outside of some compound
and i just COULDN’T stay awake long enough to put the car in gear and go!
leo kept walking over to the car, frustrated.
we decided to spend the night, maybe?
it was kinda like the compound bridget was living at in Austin
Bridget was there
so were many others
i was having a discussion about all the cash i had on me at the time
something like two-thousand dollars
and these punk kids looked at eachother
— there was a cut to an intereaction between them in private
and i walked out to my car
and they were ripping my shit apart (same traveling gear i’ve got now: just in the trunk of the car)
throwing stuff on the sidewalk
looking for the money
they turned to me and let me know they were taking the money
— i could tell them where it is
or they will just tear shit apart until the find it..
they demonstrated this
by tossing the glass bottles of my tinctures and oils onto the sidewalk
[i can see them shattering in the sunlight]
— in the same shot from “volver”
i saw a hammer on a shelf
i picked it up
and started fucking wailing on them
i think i broke an eye out
blood scattered everywhere
knocked in the side of one guy’s head
broke ribs
all the while screaming
“you fuckers. i don’t have much stuff, but what i have is MINE. FUCK you. you have no idea how hard it is for me to actually HAVE shit and i’m not going to let you just take it away”
did i kill them?
did they go inside to lick their wounds?
everyone at the compound was pretty pissed off at me
i asked bridget
she said i was way outta line
—
and i woke to Amy Goodman’s radio show
Leo had it on
some guy was screaming
a crowd yelling in response
talking about impeaching George
and all the trouble he’s caused
it sounded like a fucking lynch mob
or an evangelical meeting
has it happened yet?
has an angry bunch of Citizens stormed into the white house and lynched that cracker?
what a fucking thing to wake up to.
i made leo a salt bath
-he’s not feeling well
maybe he’ll feel better
(maybe we all will)