mmmmm, fraught with emotion

Oh.
Choices.
How Terrible!

up at the hermitage now

all my things in a pile
OR
left exactly as i last touched them

both

the feeling of how i should get it all out of Leo’s way
less stuff for him to deal with

but will i ever live here again?

i hate the idea of never living here again!
i hate the idea of this not being a part of “my home”
or… one of my homes.

i suppose it’s not fair
to imagine here and Goat’s as “my homes”
but i want them to be

Fair?

all of this puts into wondering my relationship to my own apartment in NYC
how long will i live there?
how long should i? how long do i want to?
should i move to Brooklyn to be nearer all of my friends?

where should i go?

Leo asked me what my plans were AFTER massage
i joked about being a drug dealer…

i don’t really know, sí…
i imagine teaching english as a foreign language in south america, central america, europe, asia. . .
Middle East!
growing into diplomacy!

i imagine going to school for acupuncture
then ayurveda
then getting that RN anyway. . .
(after… after…)

i imagine working on my book
my Books
i imagine showing in galleries

what should i show?
i just want to show the simplicity of the complexity of my simple life
i feel i should fuck it all up
put more art into it
artiface
make up scenarios
like the boys in sex world like
i imagine i should smudge the image
tweak it
color balance it

i just want to show it as it is

but that’s where i’m growing with writing
— really, time is necessary for growing
it can’t just be done
it has to be built, matured… cultured

i’m paralyzed when i think of the stories i want to write
the ones coming into my head

how do i tell them convincingly?
don’t i need to go to school for that?
for acting?
for singing?

don’t i need to be trained?

can’t i just be like Morrissey and make it up as i go along
letting only my desire be my drive?

Education..

anyway
back to here
back to home
i feel i should make my parent’s house part of “my homes”
but their reality ALSO terrifies me
still
i feel i should be prepared to live with them for a while when they decide to die

i imagine my father will die soon
ish.

he’s not really ailing
a bit of cancer in his mouth
a bit of diabetes
a little heart attack

but he’s SO unhappy
i can’t imagine him living long

really?
i know he could

his mother died at 58… he turned 58 this year. . .
his father died at 62
he could be dead soon…

or maybe not
but shouldn’t i be there to help him die?

perhaps it’s true
i should just go volunteer for hospice care
practice helping people die there…

Leo just told me of how he put his entire life on hold for 8 months helping his mother die
i WANT to do that
despite all of my grumblings of my childhood

8 months is OK
2 years is not, any long is unacceptable
i don’t want to be one of those gay guys who dedicates their lives to taking care of dying people

and Dying!
Leo is constantly talking like he’s dying!
he turns 62 today
today and for 62 days…
Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo!

we spoke of the Soul last night
the difference between that and the Anima, and the Divine Energy
his only desire is for Union With The One
no reincarnation, no heaven or hell
just Union

he’s given up his dreams of living in Europe
it looks like he’s here til his last days

and he doesn’t go to doctors
so he’ll just die when he’s ready.

when his mother was 61
she went in for a Hysterectomy
when they opened her up
they found her riddled with cancer
she died at 62

does his fat belly need a hysterectomy?
is there cancer?

will he die of a heart attack or stroke in some sleezy bath house?

i don’t want to ever imagine that he’s not my Lover
a Lover of mine…
one of them.

i don’t want to ever imagine that he’s not one of “my homes”

i don’t exactly want him to Convalesce
i’d rather he just talk to God and get an assignment and know his time out
and die at the altar
or in bed
or fuckn!

but if he had a period of dying
i would want to be with him

why can’t i be with him now and always?
what am i really doing with my life?

HA!

why can’t i live with Goat?
fascinating creature…

why couldn’t i live in love with all the loves i’ve loved?

Lonely Old Man!

(HA!)

so much more living to do on my end
and faced with any ideas of finality
i am unprepared.

i once was so ready to die
it was all i ever wanted

and years of running
years of wandering
years of finding myself
ready to Live

i told Dust
i tricked myself into stupidity
so i could have a reason to Live
a reason to Make Art
a reason to tell my story…

and how will it get played out?
and will i get much further lost along this path as i walk it?

YES!
that is Living!

It is nice to spend these days with Leo
to cuddle him
smell him
eat his heavy food
remember and appreciate
in retrograde.

i am happy to be here these few days
it is worth it

i am not terribly fraught anymore
(writing, writing)

it helps make some decisions.