lover

lovers
i always think it’s funny when someone thanks me for being a good lover
i mean.. i’m Loving you… why thank me?
the loving should be thanks..
i don’t know
but i graciously accept it.
if i had a girl friend
her name would be Sarah
tonight sarah and i left the city and went to Harbin (hot springs)
it was difficult to get out of town
i’ve not been sleeping
you know
i’ve been staying up all night
doing stupid things
i’ve been sequencing CDs
burning them
making little envelopes
My Dear Love
(you know who you are)
i’m having such troulbe
(laughs)
i want to make a CD FOR you…
but i don’t want it to have any heavy connotations about love in a bad way
yet i also feel like you need comforting songs about love
and silly songs that play that up
and then
i also think i should give you much more credit
because i also believe you are very wise in some ways
just…
Shy.
(grin)
but i also think of you as a little boy!
Lovers…
i talked with Leo on the night of his birthday
drinking a glass of champagne
made me sick
(hadn’t had any alcohol for over three months)
made me bitchy and sad
i wrote a long piece that i didn’t post
coz it was just TOO pathetic
the night before, that’s what i’m meaning to say
Leo and i talked about my lover Robert
who is STILL very important in my life
even though he officially told me to Fuck OFF last year
and really
i haven’t really seen him much in three years
— it tears my heart out even now
thinking about him
want to cry
but there is such joy wrapped up in there
and the nature of my being
so
Hey
no throwing that away
Point!
in the long conversation with Leo
Explaining the relationship
talking about Mushrooms and Ray of Light
sex, chalk outlines, faries
patterns
leos…
i said, in a very peaceful and understanding way
that i knew that Robert had been here to teach me something
— For many years he gave me a type of love that made me want to be a good person
it changed Everything for me
when i was 15 i got dumped by my first lover
in a very shifty way
and i degraded into hating everything and wanting to destroy reality
(i’m very dramatic and extreme at times, as is my nature)
and
though i was not still in that state when i met Robert
vestiges were still around
and though Robert was no Saint of perfection
the feeling of being IN Love with someone
especially someone so sweet and giving and sexy and scared and vulnerable and Big and Strong and small
so Whole and Human (while still being very magical)
gave me the desire to build the world with love
— my rivers changed course
and for many years after i left him
i always had it in my heart
that i was loved by someone in a way that gave me a reason to be a good person
such love that made me MORE loving
because i had a reason to become so
i knew that if i could completely sort myself out
learn to love everything about myself
then the world i’m in
i could be with him
and accept everything about him
and love him.
he said i would have a great relationship
(while looking at my palm)
but not for a while yet
he hoped it was him
we both did at the time
but we were doubtful
and now
i guess i accept that it’s Over
in that
he taught me a lesson
as far as my old patterning would let me play out with him
and he will never be my Husband
he will be my Rabbit, though
definately
my Gorrilla Momma
my Walrus, Yes
not my daddy, not my boy friend
but a good friend
and
Lover
even if i don’t ever make love with him again
Love
he taught me something about love
in the past years
my occupation has been in learning about Love
have to get into fear
have to get into anger
death, critisim
have to get into cooking
massage
tolerance
patience
acceptance
compassion
Love
i have loved in many different ways
i’m learning more:
the time of my fetish is comming to an end
and just like my relationship with Robert
it will never be Over
it will just be completed
completed paintings still often hang on walls
decorate
remind
and still beautify
i will still always adore quickly and passionately the big furry ones i love so much
but Over and Over again
i find i cannot do with Bears all that i want to do
i can only be a small part of myself
(and really, it’s not that small, but i wouldn’t say i’m HUGEly endowed or anything)
Serious
i find again and again
that men i am attracted to on a purely sexual level
can only satiate me on that level
and if i look at what i want to be as an Identity
as the face of my person
i would hate my monicker to be
“a great fuck”
even though i am
i want to really exceed that
i have so many friends in my life that thrill me
take me to places i’ve never gone before
in art
creativity
nature
knowledge
…
i often find i can’t get physical with them
but i am learning
Now, i’m Gay
it took me a long time to be OK with that
even though i was always fine with the sex part
the label was a bother
but now it’s alright
but…
BUT
i have always imagined that i needed to be heterosexual
— at least have heterosexual relationships
be Bi-sexual, i guess
but i’m talking about more detail than Bi…
i had the idea for a script when i was young
about a man comming home to his boyfriend of many many years
and telling him that he’s leaving him for a woman
saying that he’d just learned all that he had to learn from being with men
and it was time for him to move on…
as if it were a growth progression like that…
like my brother said..
to go from loving the self
to loving someone different
then creating another person from the two of you to love
he termed it “being more important”
i’m more dynamic, or more scattered
to think of having things as one focal point
and
though people often think i’m straight
it’s the last thing i’ll ever be
but i want to learn how to love women!
i also want to learn how to love thin cute gay boys…
i’m learning:
it’s about Knowing them.
it’s about building a relationship with them
it’s about loving and being attracted to what’s inside of them
and wanting to appreciate that
wanting to glorify that
wanting to give to it, to experience it, to recieve from it
to share it with them.
beyond form into content?
content is not so easily recognized
it has to be experienced
gotten into
lived through
to be known
(for those of you who use this structure: it’s my ego progressing from gemini to cancer, yeAH!)
The Passion of my Fetish is very strong
so
it will never be over
it will always be nourishment
it will always be a signpost that leads me somewhere
but
Blessings
may i follow others to lands beyond that…
Oh, blather
i just wanted to tell the story of TODAY!
so late and scattered
(now and for days)
i was supposed to meet Sarah at 1
but was fiercely horny for some SF reason
i made a mess of myself trying to find something
all dissapointments in all directions
confusing to me why i do this
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts…
ate chocolate cake and cookies!
sleep deprived (four hours last night? three before? six before?)
obiously running myself into the ground
S and i move the time back to 2:30
she’s got stuff to do
as do i
but come 2
i call her and tell her i need til 3
i leave the house at about 3.
Grrr
SO angry with myself
i start my voice in my head telling how terrible i am
blah blah blah
i took wrong trains
didn’t know where i was going
had to wait a long time
tried calling other people
because i figured she’d be very angry and not want to go any more
or not even be there!
and i’d be stuck in the east bay
must find a place to stay…
but it was the middle of the day!
i couldn’t reach anyone
so
i got to the BART station at 4
(hour later than half hour later than hour and a half later than original time)
and she was totally cool
loving
flowing
Right On
i pulled myself together
we picked up some food at the Berkeley Bowl
and headed out of town
Drove
through the thick traffic
to Harbin
got there round 8, i guess
(didn’t really get out of the city mess til close to 6)
it was an amazing visit
Wednesday’s are Wonderful
very chill and sparse
sarah and i played
contact improve dance swimming
( sarah is a girl i’ve known for short periods of time since 2000 )
then i took her to the Mulberry tree
two of them
but one of them
the tree is like a ramp
an open door begging someone to come in
you walk right up it
and into its branches
heavely ladden with fruit
we climbed up into them
me
going higher and higher
stuffing our faces with the beautiful black berries
fingers stained
smudges on our faces
big smiles and full happy bellies
we sat in that tree, climbed around it
ate
for nearly an hour!
and the hot hot pool was amazing today
so sleep deprived
i melted
and in the cold
similarily
i prayed
and it was the most powerful experience i’d had…
like the time i took mushrooms at the hot spring many many years ago
i was being taught… healed… cleansed
INVIGORATED
sarah and i exchanged massage in the body-temp pool
i got SO turned on
she’s so HOT!
i’ll have to link to pictures sometime
— i was chuffed
i loved working on her:
i want to massage more of other genders…
then more hot
more cold
more swimming in the pool
walking naked in the dark in the forest
talking with beautiful people
being treated like a guru
being able to sing my songs
yarns of reality
Sure!
sarah sang her song
and we resonate
that’s what friends are for
ugh
now she’s sleeping in bed
we’re back at the hermitage
and now i’m Tired
now it’s time to sleep
but i’m glad i had time to write a bit
love and thanks to you.