love from every direction

they love me
they call me
and they’re pushing love at me
i say
“i just want a place i can call my own that isn’t dependant in any way on someone else loving me and me loving them”
which is impossible:
love being the force that makes things happen, that keeps things together
even a randomn apartment i would rent
the landlord would love me
and i would love him
but it would be professional!
every oppurtunity is some beautiful man saying
“i love you”
and what that means is
“i’ve waited my whole life for someone like you”
and maybe i’ve waited my whole life too
and it’s time we’re together
me and me
just for a little while
or is it cowardice?
dreams together are so much more sweet…
sour, bitter, meaty.
but there is no place to go alone
it is all an effort of cooperation
so i will not get my own place of just me, eh?
it’s all about the loving and the sex and the wanting and the dreaming the desires…
but when am i going to get my own place to sit and read books?
and when would i do that anyway
me: always looking for love?
i keep saying “NO”
i keep holding up my hand
biting at the bit
chomping at the door
heels kicking up dust
sitting in the chair on the phone
i’m telling them to wait
i’m trying to take this slow
trying to ebb it out
so i don’t lose myself in the tide
(when that’s all it’s ever wanted from me)