like a mountain, up and down and always there

asdf jklç
” ay, ess, dee, eff, space. jay, kay, el, ç, space ”
i am so glad i am here.
i arrived last night
João picked me up from the Ferry and took me to the top of a mountain.
a place he has been comming to for three years
was once a trail leading up there
then a horse trail
then a dirt road
now paved, with many houses being built
we hung out on one of them
up at the top
unfinished
the roof on
but open rafters for the deck
we dragged some boards over the spaces
sat down
and he smoked a joint
( i am abstaining, you see.. out of respect for my healing from the entities)
but this boy… this João…
he is also a João de Deus…
he is the kind of kid i like to be with
he gets stoned and does yoga!
Like i do!
he took off his shoes and began balancing on the 2″ boards
walking over the long-dark fall
in such a playful way
i found i couldn’t do it!
i couldn’t ground, relax, feel the board under my feet and walk it.
i was scared!
WHOA! i’m getting old…
but i realized it was mainly all the SHIT i had in my pockets
so i took my pants off
and then tried
worked much better
we both did yoga in the bask of the town lights… the stars… the beautiful view of the channel between the island and the mainland
over a long drop down a hill
on little boards…
a real test of courage
i was bashful about being naked
i decided he could handle it
it was fine.
went back to his place
set up my bed
took a cold shower… DOUCHE!
i mean, a huge gush of cold water…
something about all the sun i have been getting
no water seems that cold right now..
just exhilerating.
he invited me out with his argentinian friends
out drinking
so i declined
not just because i am off alcohol right now
but because i was really tired.
i slept well.
really well
woke in the morning and did yoga in bed for an hour or so
then started practicing portugese from the little Phrasebook i was given by Fred…
when João woke
we went out for a walk
to get some Açai…
little did i know it was so far…
and it turns out João DOES know Paula and Mauricio, whom i stayed with last time i was here
it turns out João knows at least half the people who live on this island.
we went to the same waterfall that Mauricio took me to when i was last here
but we went very differently:
João jumps from rock to rock
and i would say
“like i do”
but just SO MUCH MORE
so fast, and huge jumps
the american in me
the virgo
the voice of my mother
all telling me i am going to slip and fall and crack my head open
and there is this boy in front of me
just doing it
i leap after him
and am shocked
there are a few times where i have to stop
and wonder how the hell i can jump that
he just acts like he could help
but there is no helping
i just do it
and it’s fine.
he slips and falls
it’s fine
it happens.
and he took me to the same place
he calls it “the witches pool”
but we didn’t stop there
we went past it
to a higher cachoeira
where the water was falling much faster and harder
and he showed me that there was a hole underneath it
jumped in and got rolled around in that water
massaged clean by it’s gruff loving fingers
then we flew back down the mountain
and he kept singing me Bob Marley songs
and i usually HATE bob marley
but hearing it from him i just loved it
i just love everything
and Bob’s lyrics, from João, were lovely
were just OF COURSE
and better than the things i was thinking about…
we met up with some of his friends
i had met this guy’s dog
a white Mikita (Kari, if you ever want to get me a dog, get me one of these)
i pet it the entire time i was there
huge clouds of fur falling out of her
we made love
she rolled around and i massaged her and scratched her
she was so beautiful
it took a while
many different roads
and João knowing everyone
this house was filled with art
i wish i could have met the maker.. their father
they’d lived in germany… and a german boy got to come here on foreign exchange..
(i thought back to my own foreign exchange and felt my customary bitterness and jealousy about this… i wanted to go to germany but they wouldn’t let me because i didn’t speak German… and now i feel condemned to only speaking english– but to come to a place like this!)
we went to drop off one boy at the ferry
then we went to pick up the owner of the VW bug we were driving around it
(this was my first time in a Bug… or is it Beetle?)
then we went back to the house to drop off her stuff
then we went to the beach
João showed me a island and told me i could swim there
and i forgot my swimming suit
and wanted to be naked anyway
so i figured if i just swam out there i could lay there naked
so i went behind a rock
took off my pants
and waded into the water
filled with rocks and barnicals and other strange things
i started swimming
going going
no problem
and half way there
i realized i was very far away from the shore
and very far away from the island
i had never swam this far before
so
i panic’d
and stared trying to get there faster
which only succeded on bringing on an Asthma type feeling
now, i had just gone on some long walks with my mother last week
where this happened to her
and i stood next to her being annoyed
wishing she would relax
take deep breaths
and walk slow enough so this wouldn’t happen
but here am i
doing the same thing
but in the middle of the ocean
ummm
so i got to the end of the Archepelago and clambored up the rock
scattering crabs everywhere
and flopped down on the hot stone
chest pounding
breathing fast and shallow
pissing myself
but unable to ground
unable to relate…
there i was on this little rock
far away from everything
wondering what the hell to do
and i turned around
and there was João
on the island
waving.
he jumped in
and swam by me
i watched his stroke
long and slow and relaxed
one after the other after the other
many times without breathing
i jumped in
and tried to emulate it
but still drove myself into panic..
but got there
worked my way back to my clothes
and let my heart jump back in my chest
…
then
THEN
we all get back in the car
and drive somewhere else
and this time it is João and Jacira (this beautiful girl), Jan (the german exchange student now come back to visit) and i.
we clambour down a hill
and then take off up the mountain through the river
(they call all rivers comming down mountains “Cachoeira”, water-fall)
this time João is running full speed
and Jacira is fallowing him, or finding her own way, at the same pace
so i put my fears down
and just went
rock to rock
so fast
over moss and slime and water
through the mud
the vines
the prickly plants
the trees with HUGE spikes comming out of them
CHARGE!
the most amazing exhilerating thrilling beautiful experience i have ever had
then we found our pool
clothes were off just as fast
and swimming…
João shows we can do anything
climbs up a big rock
and jumps 15 feet into the pool
knowing the exact spot to jump
not to get broken to bits by the rocks.
i think of all the americans i know…
all the ones i have been this person for…
that tell me their worries of
broken glass (we walked barefoot all over this island today!)
of slipping and falling
germs.. viruses
stock market crashes
being homeless
it all seems so petty!
and i can be angry when i am writing this
but i couldn’t while i was there
i was so filled with love and excitement
i was so happy
hell, i am still glowing…
i purposefully wrote this whole day like this without talking about the last few
to write this in my mood of happiness
before talking about the next bit.
When i got back into São Paulo
i had plans
to sleep well sunday night
spend the entire day monday writing
then tuesday during the day
and in the evenening, go see Fernando
then leave wednesday or thursday for Here
IlhaBela
instead
i stayed up all night every night i was there
going through porn and bears and downloading music
wasting all my time and energy
abusing myself
and then going out into the city
EVERY DAY
doing my best to abuse other people.
Monday i made a date that didn’t happen
but i was alright for that
coz i got my fix from Adriano
which was good “sex”
but who the hell needs sex?
we need love.
i tried my best.. but it was a show.
tuesday i did NOT meet up with the Crown
(he had forgotten he said we’d meet)
and had it rubbed in my face, all the things i had put aside
like meeting someone else i wanted to meet
or seeing DOGVILLE
i walked about 10 Kms, though…
Wednesday i tried seeing the movie again
but fucked it up
and went to Carlos’ house early
to exchange pics
he had taken some pictures of me last time i was in town
he is the perfect porn addict
was only turned on by me when he was watching me through the web cam or the digi-pictures he took of me being attracted to him.
Ugh
and i succumed to pleasing him by having sex with some other guy for him to take pictures of!
and it was standard sex for me
me WOWing the guy beyond belief…
me doing all the work
and feeling vaguely dissatisfied
(i will admit it, the sex i had with adriano was satisfying for what it was… i think that is why i have been attracted to TOPs more in the last year… i am tired of people that just Lay Down when i start to have sex with them.. i like people who meet me with their energy instead of just recieving mine…)
ugh, terrible day
i got back to Smurf’s
and he and Henhata had gone out to eat
and all the cashews i had been eaten had given me the runs
(just as i was approaching his house, worry not, i wasn’t walking around the whole day with shit in my pants, just the last 15 minutes)
so i jumped the fence into their apartment complex
and proped up a box
jumped onto their second floor balcony
pulled myself up
climed up over the railing, then on the diving wall
and leapt from there into the third-floor window i had left open earlier that day
and STILL didn’t sleep
i watched waking night the night before
which i still found annoying
but took it better this time
as the whole thing being an example of the progression of people’s ideas about god and reality
working up from very complex insane ideas
to the last conversation
which was very simple, clear
and a good reminder.
PHEW
anyway
i am so tired of torturing myself
and when João and i got back to the house tonight
lovely simple sandwiches of black bread and olive oil, tomato, lettuce and cheese
i found myself NOT telling him i was gay
the many times sex was brought up in our conversation.
he’s not gay.
i am not gay. but i have sex with men…
i found myself feeling ASHAMED of being gay
much like i did as a teenager
when i was in love with Trevis and Sheridan
and many other people like this
very alive, virile, unafraid to live their dreams and desires
or… terrified, but doing it anyway
all straight kids…
i didn’t want to admit that i am attracted to people who are stuck to their mother’s tit
and hang out at bars where everyone is bored and boring
and drinking to forget that
and pretend that they really are having a good time
but what they’re doing it trying to find someone who will go exchange energy with them
enough to put them back into their bodies and hearts for at least a flash while they cum
so they can feel what it feels like to be alive again
for a second.
i am so tired of city gay culture crap.
IT is what makes me want to die.
and not just the gay culture…
but so much of the city cultures in general
and maybe it’s not that
it’s just the majority culture
steeped in fear and fast food and television
imitation of life
the living dead.
Marsha (back in abadiania) told a story about Drunvalo Malchizidec …
in it, she refered to a tribe of people up in the mountains somewhere who call most of the people in bodies on this planet “the dead ones” because of how little light we give off
not to make any more comments or judgements about our life
i just felt it to be so sadly true
and being here is so ALIVE
being in the forest, the mountains, the waterfalls
the sun and the sea
eating fresh coconuts and fresh food
and just LIVING
ThiS IS LIFE!
why don’t i live in life
and why can’t i be whole here?
if i just stopped having sex for a while
stopped making it even a determining factor in where i live
i tried that at heartwood
i know it won’t work…
but all the men i feel so loved by
so attracted to
so turned on to (sexually)
they hardly even go for WALKS out in nature
and certainly not naked
and there is always their TVs and their Cocktails
and i want to bring all of these people out of the dark
and let them dance and sing and be alive and full of love
and i DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!
and if i am an emmisary of light to these people
the age-old task of trying to enlighten my father
what am i getting out of it?
i certainly am not succeeding in that task
and it is daunting
and, i think, impossible.
people can only enlighten themselves.
there is nothing i can do
but keep walking around shining
and making little laterns
and flashlights
and candles.
but they got to turn them on
open the book
connect the god damn dots.
so what does this mean?
will i live on this island forever?
No, of course not.
but i know now very clearly
what i need to bring into my life
so i don’t fucking starve to death.
today is only the first day…
(of the rest of my days)
“so lighten up, squirt”