i’ve been going to sleep not too late
really
i guess
last night was a late night
sometime after one
but still
i’ve not been getting out of bed til 11 or so
… sleeping a lot.
good?
Leo’s reading
i’m moving my heavy body around
stretching
doing my best to focus and breathe life into me
… this space is pretty good
spacious
it’s been encouraging me to do yoga
so i make myself a little bigger…
Leo and i decide we’re gonna go to an internet cafe
but it’s hard to leave the house
… the inertia of sunday morning.
Dieter goes out to the Tiergarten again with the dogs
and Leo and i finally make it out the door
just moments before Dieter gets back: we run into him on the street.
Ramseys tries his shit with me on the sidewalk
it’s fun
but it unnerves Dieter
coz some guy is standing there watching
— i have dog slobber all over my hand.
we walk up the street
slipping on the ice
chilled by the wind
— even the chinese internet place is closed
..sunday..
so we walk back down
Leo get’s a currywurst
and all our hopes are a little let down:
it’s just a sausage with curry powder on it.
s’ok.
we munch on it
i have a little
i’m not that hungry
i ate more for breakfast…
onto the U-bahn, U1 again
out to the Schlisises Tor
to the internet cafe…
we sit down
going through our messages
emails and profiles
Leo has plans to meet Dieter and Friedel for a drink at Mario’s
then he’s going to a naked pig sex party down at the Barn (Scheune)
i have plans to meet up with a Faery friend to go to a sauna party
not a sex party
more of a social thing at someone’s house
so we’re on the computers
Leo’s ready to leave around 4:45
my party thing isn’t til after 6
so Leo leaves
[ he told me, later, that while he was waiting for the train
he was looking out over the neighborhood
remembering his time there
and he noticed a wall covered with graffiti
he had noticed this wall yesterday
but today there was something different:
sprayed in bright pink
“Leo”
as if Berndt’s spirit had got stuck in the area
because he killed himself
seeing Leo there
wanting to say Hello…]
sitting at the computer
i fell into a customary computer hole
got obsessed
looking for men in the places i’d be travelling
looking for men in Berlin
all of a sudden i’m really horny
and i’m feeling antisocial anyway
… i didn’t want to go to the sex party
didn’t want to go to the bar
and at this point
didn’t really want to go to the sauna party and talk with people..
though there is a part of me that would like that
to meet people in a nude non-sexual context
interesting people
yeah
but that’s not what happens
hour after hour goes by
i’m chatting with people
it’s 5:45
it’s 6:45
i finally get off the computer
(yes, nearly got off, sitting there playing with myself under the desk)
i try and call the guy i had been chatting with to tell him i’m not coming now
(it would have made sense for me to go play with him when i first started chatting with him an hour and a half ago.. then i could have gone to the sauna party afterwards)
but he doesn’t speak any english
and i don’t speak and german
so the phone call was useless… not having an internet translator
ugh.
i walk through the snow
… i’m gonna find this sauna party and do that instead.
but i don’t see it
the streets don’t make sense
and i’m getting very cold
and
noticeably hungry
eventually
i look at a map
and see i have been walking the wrong direction
my entire orientation was off
and now i’m back at the U-bahn stop before the Schlisises Tor
goddamnit
so i go and get a Döner kebab
which is even CHEAPER out here, €1
and it’s good
and the turkish guys like me
turkish guys always like me
in my hairyness…
someone just told me that they outlawed this look in turkey… Really?
no long beards and long hair
traditional muslim look
it was outlawed many years ago
women not allowed to wear berkas…
will i run into trouble when i’m there?
anyway
back to now
i ate my kebab
and got on the train
… still eating my kebab
going over the river
stopping at Warschalstrasse
getting out
and walking over the frozen train bridge
all the tracks
the night
looking for the right S-Bahn
looking…
finding it
and the sexy homeless guys looking at me
and the big guy… was he turkish?
but damn, that furry hat
i get to the station
and the guy who doesn’t speak english is there
we talk
not understanding eachother
we still talk
and walk through the halls
up the stairs..
to his car?
a little VW
ja
driven through the icy streets
where are we?
somewhere outside of the ring now
to a large apartment building
ah
the large bland apartment living
storage space for fleshy body
person
something
pistol on the table
cat box in the shower
brocade…
he’s got a little computer room
with a single bed on a metal frame
we go into the front room
he pulls out the couch
and lays down a towel
gets his poppers
“ficken ficken ficken”
i insist on condoms
he doesn’t like this
and i understand
but…
the condom is like a deep sea diving suit
i can’t feel anything
not that i don’t cum
because i do
and too quickly
and maybe that’s because i was so horny
hornly
desperate
lonely
trying to distract myself
maybe it’s because of how hot he is
or how much he’s pulling at my energy
how horny he is
hornly
desperate
lonely
what do you expect from Dial-a-Date?
the internet
don’t know someone
pick them up right now
there’s gotta be a draw there somewhere
and he’s huffing on his bottle
and i’ve pretty much gone soft
and wondering what the fuck i’m doing there
that blank dog feeling of “what’s happening?”
he’s on top of me now
and he can’t get hard anymore
but he cums
one warm slash on my belly
we cuddle and talk
and he tells me how great i was
how hot
how he’s gotta see me again
— he takes some pictures
then… emails them to me.
but i convince him i gotta go
you know
there’s another guy who wants me to fuck him tonight
-oh, i hadn’t mentioned that?
and i want to meet Leo and Dieter for Dinner
last night in Berlin, you know
but by the time i manouver everything
the car ride back to the station
the walk back to the platform
the tourist kids who stop to ask me where to catch the train to prague?
who make me miss my train
the waiting
the wind…
but the connection from the S-bahn to the U-bahn was pretty seamless
and i’m riding
looking at people
looking out the window
losing games of solitaire
i get back to the house
and they tell me all the hot guys i missed at the bar
well
not feeling all that sociable anyway
no
not really
we eat dinner
a good dinner of sausages, cabbage (red, with apples, cloves and bay leaves)
and there is no way i’m going back out
into that cold night
sky so clear the moon lights up everything
no
we’ve gotta pack and go to sleep, you know
waking up at 7:15 tomorrow morning
to catch our 9:26 train to Dresden; to Prague
take it easy, baby
it’s nearly 11
put things away
it’s time to go to bed.