landing in the desert

airplane cough
felt very tired
even kinda nauseous
which i don’t usually get on airplanes…
tired…
but i was very happy to be back in tucson
even in a tired kinda way
my friend Dan had to circle round the airport about five times til all my bags came in
.. i did a couple of laps with him
when we got back
i got to see the beautiful amazing sunset
“pink meat” he said
the wind blowing
the cactus…
in the south-west part of town…
i’ve never stayed out here
very strange…
the night settled in with conversation
smoke
fire in the chemania
watching
listening
feeling self conscious
feeling dark
it got cold, quick
i put on the franciscan habit Leo made a long time ago
washed, shrunk; gave to me
two other guys showed up
one very tall
had his stomach cut in half coz he was too fat and wanted to be thinner
(oh great)
he sits down and starts grilling me
pressing questions on me
but questions like
“oh, so you’re not afraid of anything, hugh? what are you afraid of?”
which i’ve been getting asked a lot lately
so i’ve been thinking of it
but there was no context to this conversation
so what was i supposed to say?
the entirety of existence?
on the fifth time
i tried to get him to give me context
and he started “asking” questions
that was basically him telling me that he had me all figured out:
i was running away from everything
i was dressed like this coz i was scared of people
and i wanted people to stay away from me
but when people actually did meet me they found i was really nice
which is great and everything
but wrong
— i’ve never worn the habit outside of the hermitage
i brought it with me on this trip as a turtle shell ( a traveling comfort-zone )
he tells me he’s trained in psychoanalysis
he says
maybe if i cut my hair and trimmed my beard
people would like me
i try and explain to him
that i don’t what people to like me for looking like everyone else
there are plenty of people who look like everyone else
i specifically like looking different
and want people to like me for who i am
not for being one and the same of the great masses of Yes-saying.
i realize he’s a fool
so
as the night goes on
i mostly ignore him
but find
when i am talking with him
i’m being mean:
“well, my hands and feet have been cold since the surgery”
(he got half of his stomach cut out so he could lose some weight)
‘yeah, if you start torturing your body you should expect it to revolt against you.’
he stares at me
‘ maybe you should consider walking, and eating differently… or you could be buhlemic..’
i try and keep my mouth closed
and that is the whole problem with today
i’m saying things that are pretty violent
even though i’m not saying them with that intent or intonation
the reality of the message is one of invasion and injury
i’ve done it a few times
why do i keep acting like i’m tired tired tired?
i must be tired tired tired
and no amount of supplemental rest is going to take care of it
certainly not when i’m awake at midnight like now
when i should be sleeping
coz i’ll get disturbed to consciousness before i sleep for 8 hours
on a couch?
ugh.