it's raining today in san francisco

step up on the bus
step on the buss
with your plastic bags in hand
everything is wet
but the shopers are out in full force
“four ingredients” cook book with a happy couple
wait to eat your pork bun til we are stopped, please
we’re in china.
i had a “massage”client at the hot tubs again today
lie lie lie
but closer, he said “no, i don’t want a massage, i just want you to touch me”
fine, ok, i understand your need
but that is not what i do!
here in San Francisco
where boundaries are Fantasies… like everything else.
it’s raining today in San Francisco
i got paid
for what?
hardly anything
but i did not get paid 25,000 dollars
“i’d give anything for you to fuck me”
— twenty five thousand dollars? —
i thought, but didn’t say… coz i wouldn’t believe it
and i would NEVER do it
no matter how much
“i would pay you twice… three times your rate if you would just cum in my mouth”
Please, give me a client who wants a massage
i hate this town.
-“he’s pleased to meet you- underneath the horse- in the cathedral with the glass stained black
-singing ‘sweetheart’ – it needs to echo back- don’t destroy their master
-maybe a long time before you get the call-up
-but it sure is raining hard as your thoughts
=no one will know where you are.
-it’s just a brief smile
crossing your face
running speed trials
still heavy in place.
when the socket’s not a shock enough
you little child
what makes you think you’re tough
when all the people you think you’re above
–they all know what’s the matter
you’re such a pinball
yeah, you know it’s true
there’s always something you’d go back running to
to follow the path
of
no
resistance.”
sorry, i’m doing this for me.
i walked out of the hot tubs after showering for 10 minutes
(i hate it when i feel dirty like that)
and walked through the rain to china town
along broadway, through the tunnel
where are the busses?



and the hotel in north beach where i might rent a room
— no vanacy at the inn: go home.
walk down china town
old street man eating on the bumper of a huge white truck
just a pattering of rain, he doesn’t mind
looking for an herb store
-i just want apricot kernals
need to strengthen my lungs
sold me some tea
no Mau Hung: it’s become illegal in the USA, oh yes
and have they outlawed trucker speed yet? fuckers…
fucking government of monsters… hiding underneath the bed..
fucking monsters.
i lag
i lag and float around the store
the rain is filling up my head
i am on the open sea
an indian girl smiles at me
i love indians…
“the doctor is only fifte”
what?
15
yes
ok
i go and sit by the doctor
he checks my pulse
“oh, your energy is very low, you are very weak, your immune system is very weak, you are very tired”
‘ yes ‘ – i growl, my voice nearly gone, throat red and raw and shot
“oh, i will give you herbs… have you done chinese herbs before? good. ok..
no indian curry (i’ve been eating a lot!), no spicey food, no fried food, no chicken… no alcohol”
(cough)
i stand and watch the two men running around the store
they pick out herb after herb after herb
more and more and more
measure them out in threes
“put in a pot with 5 cups of water on medium heat.. let it come to a boil.. covered with only a crack open.. let it boil 45 minutes… down to about 1 and a half cups… drink half in the morning, half after dinner”
huge plastic bags
put it in a pink one
all the bags in china town are pink
pink bag for the little herbal tea thing
coltsfoot still in my pocket
walk through rain
jump on the bus
i’m amazed all the shopers are still out here today
a ligher bus
only a few, some happy couples, some…
it’s raining today in san francisco
the wind is blowing
the little chinese boy is shouting to the buss driver
asking him if it goes to..
and a street-man
with a cane
taps on the driver’s window
“can i get on here?”
it’s not rainging TOO hard
dirty man
the bus driver drives on
slows down
the street-guy hobbles towards the bus-stop
the driver pulls on…
i’m heading home
i need to rest
i need to stop wanking
i’m tired…
i came three times last night with a sexy daddy bear from oaklahoma
“where the men come swishing down the planes”
but he wasn’t like the other guy i once had from oaklahoma
oh, similar in ways
cherokee
but no chikasaw
and dutch, not scottish
frozen food, psoriasis, pretty boys
“if you’d only shave your face”
cuddling
but no life here
skittering out on the sf-flakeyness
this is silly
the chinese doctor looks at me and smiles
“why live here? it’s so expensive…”
really, i don’t know
i’m working it out
i’m coughing
my HIV results were negative
but do i have AIDS again
like i did when i was 16?
from jacking off
from being unhappy
i dunno
what do you do when you’re wrestling with deamons?
sit down, have a cup of tea…
i walked down the street and there were books outside the house i might have
and there were books outside the house i used to stay in
the big purple house…
a book i had looked through at the rainbow gathering in italy back in 2002
“what if everything you knew about HIV and AIDS was wrong?”
wrong wrong wrong: i don’t have a virus, never did
even the kid at the clinic said most people don’t show any symptoms of the virus until 10 to 12 years
then why was everyone dying in the 80’s, damnit!
because of the drugs.
the drugs the doctors gave them
but before that
all the drugs and partying they did?
is it self destruction?
–
i kept walking
i waited outside 61 henry yesterday
for the man who had it on open-house
but he never showed up
…

…
but i could live there!
it looked like a hobbit hovel
green door
i liked it

gotta get home and rest for a while