it's not enough to believe in love

woke up this morning with the firey orange light burning off all the buildings in downtown Sao Paulo
the drapes were flapping in the wind
on the 14th floor
sun shining through them
they looked so soft to touch, so beautiful
but i knew they were probably some sythetic
so i didn’t bother touching them
the wind blew through the apartment
orange and yellow towels waving on the line
city stretched out below
light bleeding through the curtain
like milk soaking through…
but it wasn’t milk
and i couldn’t help it anymore
i reached out to stroke the fabric
and it felt like silk…
yesterday i slept a lot
or, actually, not really
i just went to sleep around 7 am and woke up at 1
Smurf had just got home and i just started making tea
then we did some yoga together
some rajasic stuff
both of us sweating
i’m a bit freaked-out about what’s going on with my body
– spine hurting, little burnings, left arm feeling.. bruised?
and ears itching.. really tired of the ear itching thing
smurf and i meditated and yoga’d and talked
went up stairs and started sharing music
and a joint
and i was very glad i’d brought my HD/mp3player/camera with me
i love sharing things..
(eeesh)
but as the marijuana and osha and yerba sante began to sway my system
everything started shutting down
large signals: you are very tired and must rest
and HUNGRY
… well, that goes with the territory
but i went down stairs and made lots of food
made me feel better
brought my lust up again
so i went for a walk
found a park
and strolled through it
mmmmm, i LOVE the trees here
Sao Paulo is one of the world’s largest cities
and from here
i can see that
this park is on top of a hill and looks out over … the southern part of the center of the city, maybe?
anyway
houses and huge buildings going on in waves up and down the hills and off as far as i can see
but different than LA… different than anything i’ve seen before..
Sao Paulo doesn’t feel like it’s disconnected from nature, though
i mean… there are trees everywhere…
though, from where i am now, in tomorrow, sitting on a couch on the 14th floor, i see no trees, Just the tall buildings
and the howling wind.
i called Adriano from the park
he said “oh, i waited for you all night, where were you? are you alright? what happened to you?”
well, he said he’d be home before five
so i waited outside his apartment from about 5:30 til nearly 8
apparently i just missed him
he got home around 8
but my oh my i wish i could clear this flakyness out of my life so i don’t attract situations like this
(for those of you who don’t know me already, i’ve got a genetic disorder that makes me late for everything, i’m trying to
weed it out, it’s very frustrating; my older friends give me faith, those who have been afflicted with it in the past have
solved it… it comes in time, grrrr)
can’t get too angry…
so i came back to meet adriano
so i could talk with him about … Treatment
as well as i really wanted to sleep with him: he’s so cuddly.
and there was a party at the Vermont-Bear for the manager, Sidney
so i arrived at the party
put my bag on the ground
and danced around it for a few hours talking..
now hey..
there was this guy that adriano introduced me to a few nights before
the Crown (Lion, i’m sure)
who’d i’d seen on line already
it took very little time for him to materialize
walks up
and starts tugging and stroking
sometimes i melt a little..
but we get talking
i’ve only been here for five days..
but i’m beginning to get to the point already where the portugese doesn’t just sound like alien mumblings
but actual words that i could possibly maybe understand
so we’re working out a pretty good conversation
he’s telling me i MUST go to Rio de Janeiro
i’ve just decided that i’m not going now
i’m going to go to the beach, one that’s closer
then come back up to SP for a night
and then head to a farm that chad had suggested
and continue on from there to abadiania to meet my mother
he freaks out when i tell him my mother is comming to brazil and plans to see nothing but abadiana
so we talk about the beautiful places up in that area
get a list
prepare…
we talk about his family, the trips he’s taken them on
talk about his past
says his son is asking him for money for travel sometimes
but he has no money to give
‘ but aren’t you a lawyer? ‘
“yeah, an engineer and a lawyer, yeah”
‘ how can you be a lawyer and not have money? ‘
” well, i don’t work! i’m too happy to work! ”
‘oh, of course ‘
he tells me that he’s lived in many beautiful places
but here is the most beautiful, Sao Paulo
i ask him why he moved here…
he asks me what the opposite of “happy” is
‘sad?’
“sad, yes”
he tells me he’d been sad for so long
even though he travelled and Rio was so beautiful
but he was with his wife and family
and though he loved them
his son only knew him as being sad
but then he met his boy friend
and moved to Sao Paulo to be with him
to marry him
now he is happy all the time!
Wow.
Do you believe in Love after Love?
(i’ve heard that song every day since i’ve been i sao paulo)
i know that “love”, in the “hey, we’re two people in love” kinda way really does exist
i’ve seen it
and i’d say it’s rarer than one might think
but definately real…
comes to mind instantly:
Juan and Arie in Amsterdam
last night with Smurf and Henhata
and here with these two..
the desire to always please eachother
to dote, give love, be loved
those looks of adoration
light like fire between two people
brightening and warming everything around them…
since i’ve been in brazil
i keep making plans
i plan to go there, there, there
no, not enough time, over there then
oh, well, obviously i won’t be going back to america
so i’ll go there then
and then there will be plenty of time
and when my visa runs out in brazil
i will go to uraguay and then argentina
and as the winter comes on here i will head north to peru
yes yes, of course
and what about my house on the hill top?
since i’ve been in brazil
all my future plans swirl around
and sometimes dissolve like a mist to show the house on the hill through them
where Leo is.
i can feel it in my bones
i need a winter
been asking for a good winter for years now
to sleep.
the most healing thing i’ve ever experienced is love
(ta, robert)
and i could go there to that house and rest in love, right?
no, no of course not
why?
when i got there a month ago
(yep)
i instantly fell ill
terrible, like
worse thing i’ve ever felt.
left arm feeling like it’d been battered
spine hurting
(been sore ever since that bear-hug i got from Eric back in August)
the right hip pain
spread everywhere
like in arthritic shock
could hardly move for a week
that’s more than a simple
air-plane-cold
and possibly could be explained as a healing crisis from the two hours of Krea yoga i did at harbin hot springs upon arrival
but come-fucking-on
i came to rest, be in love and enjoyment and healing
and came to the most severe pain i’ve ever felt
for a week?
what the fuck?
and then, of course, my old pattern starts
which i’d never felt with Leo before
how i just start hating my lover
no matter what it is they do, it bugs the shit out of me
“you drink too much, stop giving me chocolate, you’re making me sick, why don’t you live up to your own desires, why can’t
you fuck me, mwa mwa mwa mwa”
am i cursed or something?
i was exchanging massages with a friend in SF
he’d left his lover of three years
and this guy went and got married to a woman again (been married a few times already)
some lady he’d know a few months
then she started abusing him
(pattern, safe, comfortable)
and my friend says
“i love you, you’re broken, good-bye”
it freaks me out
i mean…
i used to think of myself as broken all the time
and, of course, pushed thoughts like that away
… errr, moved on from them (or just away from them)
and it terrfies me to think that some people are just un-healably broken.
(like the bjork song)
where is the love?
i mean… isn’t that what love does?
it comes in and heals the broken?
makes it all better?
i don’t know, i have un-real expectations about life
it’s one of my most endearing traits
but as my saturn-return approaches
i feel like i’m failing my tests at living life totally different than the fray
of course, who the hell do i think i am anyway?
yeah
back on the street with the Crown-Lion
he’s telling me that even though his husband is his Love
he still likes ass a lot
and he loves to kiss
which he does
and he grabs my ass
and he strokes my side
and when he kisses me again
i feel that lovely feeling in the belly where there’s a connection
and maybe i just don’t know what love is?
he says
“but i love ass… but i love my husband, anyone else is just sex, just sex”
and i say
‘ yeah, i guess i could say i want a husband now
i mean, for years
because i’ve had a lot of sex
and sex with out love is really terrible
so i just try to love everyone i have sex with
and because most of them really aren’t loving me back
it’s very tiring ‘
and he knows what i mean
and i know what i mean
but i am still looking for that substitute for love
because i don’t know how to get the real thing
i mean, i got a man across the ocean who LoveLoveLOvES me
but he drives me crazy
and Leo, who loves me
and, really, i’ve had so many people crazy in love with me
but as far as i know
i’ve only really opened up to one lover for a long period of time
and let him love me and care for me
and
really that was only about a month of being open
but it’s my record
and this is just dumb
(laughs)
so
this morning i was woken by the howling wind
and the buildings stage-lit-on-fire
the curtain blowing and ruffling creating a light effect that kept me from sleep
woke me from a dream i was enjoying, i forgot what it was already
but i couldn’t go back to sleep
and sometimes i just want to go back to sleep
and sometimes i wish i could just wake up
hmmm, it’s sunny outside
i want to get to the beach
and
dive
in.
(this song by “james” kept circling through my head this morning:
“operator, the lines are down
and i’m a traitor
a traitor to a beautiful cause
god made me
to her own design
Bad planning
too many flaws
How long will it take to get used to me?
Don’t wait that long
Won’t wait that long
Oh yes I love you
But today I could hit you, I could hurt you
Because we’re joined at the heart
Beats faster, hits harder than a boxer
Whenever we are apart
Body language is an SOS
I don’t understand how our fight starts
Not enough to believe in love
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong
How long will it take to get used to me?
How long will it take to get used to me?
Don’t wait that long
Won’t wait that long
No we won’t wait that long ”
)