it looks like we'll have christmas again this year after all, dear!

it looks like we’ll have chrstmas after all this year, dear!
i always like to think of what i was doing a year ago…
i do it many times throughout the year
but especially on these days we use as Markers…
these… HolyDays…
i kept thinking to myself…
–i don’t even remember what i was doing during christmas last year–
but then, i ususally don’t.
what’d i do 2003?
i think i was at a Billy thing with Leo and then we spent the morning together?
looking through my email
i realized i was preparing to head to Brazil..
Yes
Leo and i were together
and then headed up to Heartwood together to attend the Billy New Year
and then i went down to SF for a week then LA for a few days
then… BRAZIL.
2002?
Ah.
i was in London with Yacov
he made a big to-do about Christmas
even though he’s a cHessidic Jew
he loved the festivities
which i found tedious as all hell
the gifts were all cheesy…
a bunch of kids came over
the boarders of the house…
these two sweet dykes from LA
and some Koreans and an Iraqi boy?
we were all drunk and stoned
cheap gifts
and i was at the end of my teather…
then i flew back to the USA the morning of the 1st to go directly to Eli’s house to help him with his family
as his dad had just died of a “Randomn Prion Related Illness”
(basically Mad Cow Disease here in Santa Rosa)
Right.
and 2001?
that was the year i lived up at the hermitage alone
and i’m pretty sure i went to the billy new year …
but i think i slept away christmas …
i think i just stayed in bed..
i had forgotten even that
but Eli had told me he’d called me and i’d groggily explained i’d not even got out of bed…
and i probably didn’t.
Defiance!
of what?
i remember, back in those years
(yes, i’ll just finish it off: 2000 i was living at Heartwood and we had a pajama party in the morning with four different kind of pan cakes and bacon even! we all watched cartoons with stuffed animals… then the billys came… and Sara… and she gave me mushroom tea…)
i felt like i was on the brink of time…
in 2002
after watching Amilie
i was so blissed out
somewhere in my heart clicked
and i realized if i just walked across time to where i had been wounded once there
i could heal it with a kiss
and as i turned my face
and the celestial winds of time began to blow
Yacov came running in from the kitchen almost screaming
“Dominic!!!! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA!???!”
to snap me back into place…
at heartwood that year
i had gone to a party at the big cobb house..
amazing really… incredibly beautiful…
i started talking with this Faery girl
and she offered me some mushroom tea a friend of her’s had made..
apparently she’d been on mushrooms for… months?
i drank it and took off all my clothes
i walked out into the winter night
found myself amongs frost-tipped grasses
and bare trees
i planted my feet and streatched out my arms
and let myself be as cold as they were
to let all the stuff in me die that needed to die…
i cultivated death
kept it close
used it as a tool
frozed
i felt reborn
and walked back into the heat of the party
and danced
danced til the fires burned down and there were only a few of us left
our lives huge merkabas extending out past anything as simple as space and time
we all got together in a tight group
three or four or five of us?
we started singing
and our song would spread into eachother and open us further
like a great organ
we harmonized
and expanded
resonating with eachother
and i knew
if we could just open fully
we could sing eternally
never having to breathe
cease
sleep
the sun would rise
and the light would shine throug us
and everything would be infinite light…
but we couldn’t
and when the song came to quiet
we all stood there awkwardly in evident defeat
condemned to another night of dreaming
and forgetting
and yet another day of stumbling through it all..
on the walk back to my place
i lingered around the now-wet and cold fire pit
and sara and saggi came up to me
i showed them my Kyanite
and sara danced around the word
“Mr. Wizard”
she called me
“tell me what it does”
and i explained
and i told a story
and we all told a story together
in the cold and the wet
and the bright light of the moon
going off to sleep alone
like i was
or in love
like they were
trundling through the mud…

i know that if we would stop this silly pattern of divisions..
the sleep and the wake
the death and the life
if we…
it’s hard…
this celebration of time like this
celebration of the dark and the light
i want…
i want to come together in song and light
this season
why is it jolly?
why celebrate this endless spinning?
“hey everyone… we’re lost in the dark…”
“YEAH! let’s sing and eat and drink ourselves into stupor… i’ll give you a present.. it will make everything ok… We’re together.. that’s all we know.. for now”
ugh
so
i’m going back into the dark when Leo leaves wednesday
i’m having Rick over tomorrow
he is a beast
he looks like all those pictures of “the devil” you ever saw if you were a catholic child
but he’s a big fat hairy beast.. yeah, that one.. not the thin one
but he’s red
sharp beard, bright eyes (of darkness) and that grin and twinkle of seduction that bekons…
i’m going to go with him and ask him something..
like all my child-hood dreams of wrestling with the devil
i lost over and over and over
but
eventually
i started winning
and he was alright by that
he kept up his part
and gave me his secrets
i want to know…
when Leo goes
i will eat the peyote buttons Bridget left
alone
on a day, i guess…
thursday or friday…
through the fog and rain
i will light a fire
i will write
i will sit and listen
i will journey
i hope i will find something
a reminder
of why we keep doing this over and over
it’s hard to be jolly when i don’t understand why we’re doing this.