lazy that i am
i have so much to do here around the house
having had “Last Goodbye” stuck in my head for a few (years) days
i put on Jeff Buckley’s “Grace” as i busied myself with my body and my house
in some yoga pose
while “Lover, you should have come over” opening tones blurted out
i realized that something had changed
all of these songs i so passionately resonated with
now are memories
i’m not lonely now.
i’d like to say it’s just my new “boy friend”
and you romantics would love to hear that
and though he’s a big part of the Actualities of my new state of being
the fact is
i’ve been working on hard on it for about 9 years
since my first real lover blew my heart to smithereens (i was born with a weak heart anyway)
i’ve been examining how and why i feel like that
lost in desperation and loneliness
and seeing other people the same
driven by some desperate need to be completed by someone else..
— and the gentle reminders from the musicians and poets who love me
i moved away from that style of interracting…
i was a terribly lonely boy
and being obsessional about belonging to the masses didn’t help
having a real Best Friend didn’t help
having the hottest and perfect boy-friend didn’t help
looking for a daddy to take me home didn’t work
i eventually gave up over and over again
with a heavy sigh
deciding that i would have to learn to please myself, love myself, nourish myself, entertain myself
and as i’ve peeled off the scabs on my knees and hands (and face) from all those times i fell in love
i’ve learned i don’t need to do that to feel whole
i don’t know what i need
maybe i’ve got it
but i’m just so happy that i don’t feel that desperate longing as i used to..
(thanks to bjork, jeff buckley, david byrne, etc..)
6 thoughts on “… i can see now …”
kyooverse
You know… reading posts like this makes me wonder why we didn’t connect better. You should have been in my lap talking while I rubbed your face and braided your hair and hugged and kissed you when necessary. All that manic energy at rest. *sighs* Oh Vine.
dominicvine in reply to kyooverse
what about next weekend?
&
I seem to remember I only ever saw you getting stoned…
that might be why
kyooverse in reply to dominicvine
Next weekend?
&
I want to be defensive about what feels like a judgement. But everyone experiences reality differently. I remember you touched me and in touching, I felt both of our energies spring away from each other. It was surprising to me. The look I remember on your face was surprised, too. Do you remember that?
dominicvine in reply to kyooverse
mmmm, Brietenbush?
are you coming?
&
Yeah, i was being a total asshole the way i said that, sorry.
i have severe issues about being stoned all the time
and specifically in oregon
and specifically at BB
because of kids i grew up with who i moved out there and lived with in ’99
who kinda wrote themselves off as total stoners (though they wouldn’t say that, of course)
which, somehow, gave them liscence to be completely absent to their responsibilities to themselves and from their emotions
it’s a great herb, i love it… but rarely partake these days
and i didn’t feel a spring away energy
but then, i may have had my defenses up
coz, no matter how hot a guy is, i don’t like spending time with people who are stoned all the time
(first ever boy friend: also a total stoner.. best sex in my life, beautiful as all get out… but the same problems with being present)
yes, judgement
and i’m sorry for that
but that’s what it was
and a prejudice
(against the use of the plant, certainly not any other reason)
so forgive me for that
but if i see you next weekend
i’ll tell you my BB wound and spend some time massaging you
if not…
sorry i’ll miss you there.
and forgive me for being shitty last night
— mercury in retrograde
and everything can be done more gracefully sometimes.
kyooverse in reply to dominicvine
Yanno, you shouldn’t blame the stars when the stars have no blame. I mean, you communicated that pretty clearly and directly. I’m sorry. It’s an awful habit to have, this not allowing fictions.
Because of your assssssumptoins, you didn’t even realize that I wasn’t stoned all the time at all. The line is so small within me — you wouldn’t even recognize it unless you know what to look for. My mind speeds up (which is saying something) and I am energized. I learned so much about my brothers and sisters just by being around them and listening and dreaming and sharing. I wish I was going to Breitenbush this year, in fact. I really do. But, I have other things I need to do. Like, I am back in AmeriCorps doing the Washington Reading Corps. I waited to respond to this because I needed to attend to my life and responsibilities. (I am a mod on debunkingwhite and this week, things were batshit crazy.)
The thing, sometimes, about being a special snowflake is that you can’t notice when other people are, too. I didn’t grow up around any alcohol or drugs. I first smoked marijuana when I was 19 and the practice didn’t take. I preferred nicotine, which I have since quit. I didn’t smoke it with any regularity until I was 26 and living in Tucson, AZ. Because of where I was geographically and whom I was influenced by, I know it as a medicine first. Like nicotine, but I am far more apt to abuse nicotine.
So, you should have given me a chance, if you wanted to give me a chance. My LJ is pretty open to you, for example. I am present on many different levels. But I really hate it when I am seen through contexts that are not my own. Anyway, I wish you well. Speak my name to the land and in the water — it really healed me last year. I will miss sitting at the table, learning everyone, and knowing we had right then.
But alas, I am going to teach kiddies to read!
Ergane
dominicvine in reply to kyooverse
“this not allowing fictions” dear is incredibly cruel of you
shall i say “conservative” or “republican” or “provincial”?
i hate flouting that i’ve travelled the world for 12 years
but discounting someone’s world view because you do not hold it nor even attempt to understand it
it just being bullheadedly ignorant and is not something to be proud of
— to write off entire cultures way of functioning because you do not believe in their gods or language certainly does not make you a better person
mercury retrograde is a very real factor in my life
and yes i was very direct, but the feeling is not a concern so much of my present as it is of my past
which is why i was referencing the planet
planets and stars don’t matter much
but as above so below
and looking at anything with attention and intention will explain anything else
palms, cards, stars
you’re not such a militant materialist: don’t pretend to be one to suit your stance
i don’t really know why i didn’t “give you a chance” as you put
i think you’re beautiful
as per my sexual desires, you’re a little young for me
but i know i would have loved to have played with your naked body
(*Voluptuous!*)
but i made that comment because i ONLY have memories of talking with out around the smoking area
and though i love fire
i am very apprehensive about people who spend too much time with it
because it does make one un-aware of their emotions
too deep and out the other side?
habitual use of Tobacco does the same things:
it’s an emotional process… or an emotional price
either way, you’re giving up the feeling experience for a flare
and in the case of MJ, when the flash is over all is forgotten
and in the case of tobac, it’s gone as the smoke leaves yr lips
great stuff, medicine and all
i was there for the water, not the fire.
i don’t know
i don’t remember everything
but i do know i have been wishing i’d see you there again this year
and i’m sorry i won’t see you again this soon.
back at you, though
i’ve read some of the posts you’ve given on nwfaeys list
and you sound very on edge and full of presumptions and judgments yourself
mercury retrograde or not
it might serve you better to hold your tongue and just not interract for a bit
— other people’s perceptions of you don’t define you
it is right and good for you to polarize
but more blessed when you do it gracefully
turning shit into beauty
not just creating more shit.
love and light and shit, i’m out.
have fun with the children (no matter what their age)