home. homes?

I sorted through all the stuff I left here
coats gone mildewy
throw shit out
papers
what silly sentimentality
I looked out at the valley

I thought to bring a bunch of “sacred music”
playing was variations of “aum man-ey pad-mey hung”
which resonated strongly with me
dragging my past out and around
I smiled
quivered
felt like I was gonna cry
my instant instinct is to stifle it
a few more songs in sanscrit or Tibetan
and overtones
and I needed to sit down

this was my first home!
my parents moved when I was 10
and I never felt home again
til here

the prospects of never seeing this place again
when he dies
what will happen to it?

who will take it over?
can I ever return?

my silly attachments
but I was overwhelmed

and I’m trying not to burden Leo with these feelings…

an old friend of his came up to day
a man who’d never been here
late 80s
started the first gay church
in NYC in 1970
Leo was a part of it til he left in 1979
The Beloved Disciple
(ever heard of it?)

we sat up talking til 10
looking at pictures
telling stories
I recorded it all
til i drove robert down the hill to a motel

there used to be bedrooms and all sorts here…
but that last guy who stayed here really destroyed shit
no way of knowing why

mattresses left outside to rot
fucking Meth head
I feel violated
my home!

when I got back
I told Leo a little of my feelings
and he connected a dot I hadn’t:

the church’s diocese offices burnt a few weeks ago
any paperwork they had on this place is probably lost
they are responsible for it
but have no plans for it
and can’t sell it
this is the poorest county in California
they’d probably be happy to pay the insurance and let me live here
better than letting it be empty and go derelict

oh
yeah
right
I could live here after Leo dies
yeah
uh…

what about NYC?

ummm
I could fly back and forth
a month here and there
bi-polar-coastal
yeah
Uhmmmm

yeah

i dunno
the whole thing feels over whelming
but it will all find it’s way in time…

meanwhile
anyone want to live on a isolated hilltop in the mountains with a beautiful view not too far from some hot springs?

—————–(written earlier today)
do you cry much?
do you feel like crying?

I used to live here
this used to be my home
what did I do with it?
what did I do here?

I had always thought I would come back here
i would live here again some day
but this is the last time

last times…

this view
can I ever see it again
can I knock on your door
come back in
feel at home?

will this ever be a hermitage again?
a place to be alone in itself…
this place
there is a chapel there!
what else can it be…

do you feel like crying?
do you feel like you’ve failed?
I can’t ask you that

.iP