hmmmm, base living, YUM

Ok
things i want to understand (write about)
:
the importance of celibacy
Or
knowing when and why to have sex
and being honest about why not to.
birth control.
and
my ignorance to my own process has become unacceptable
i am angry about EVERYTHING and it is, of course, eating me up
what is this?
—–
“… as a person learns to love, she or he enters a deep spiritual process based on truth, and the hitherto confusing drive for sex diminishes. While many may confuse romance with love, romance lacks the truth, openness, and vulnerability of love. The romantic relationship is one that seeks excitement, the sharing of pleasure. The growth relationship leaves the romantic stage to pass through the initiation trial of love. Love seeks further truth, further sharing of self. The quality of love for and from another depends on the depth of appreciation and love for oneself, attainable through acceptance of self, including one’s sexuality.”
Arthur Melville, “With Eyes to See”
I would have to admit that i have always wanted the deep truth of love out of my relationships
and after years of pushing hard to get it and not getting it back
i have yielded
i have given up on it
with much dissatisfaction and grumbling, though
and am not happy with my relationships now
and though i must be careful now about turning my knives back on myself
as i so often do
it appears to me that i do not know myself truthfully
a kid has started writing to me from this journal
and the interraction has made me angry… as everything is doing right now.
though, this context is
he weaves himself out of poetry (much as i do, but in a more learn’d way)
and seems to perceive things in me that i view as flaws
and he says them
not that they’re really flaws
but show me up as being imperfect
when i have such difficulty accepting that at periods in my life
i am rejecting everything right now
a guy i met in brazil, and again at wolf creek
is sending me oodles of astrology interpretation from some site
which is something i’ve always avoided because i prefer to make my own interpretations
but they are SO important to him
and he fills the introductory paragraphs of the emails with details about how the data in there will enrich me so much
and oh, from the writing of the authour, this is surely a time of great change for me
and blah blah blah
it makes me angry!
NOW is always a time of great change
should one choose to make it so
but hearing that from someone who’s constantly constantly constantly doing self-improvement makes it sound like a TV show i should be watching or a drug i should be doing or a team i should be rooting for, etc…
i don’t wanna!
but then, that’s me
yearning for family
but not liking to be included in groups
(flaws)
why try so hard?
well
i don’t know
i tried very hard to figure myself out for many years
and it succeeded in my building a persona that i was more happy with
but it wasn’t me, see
and that just isn’t fair
rather, isn’t real
and isn’t integrity
now, i don’t want to acquiesce to submitting to my ruts and patterns and saying i’ll just be in them forever
but i’ve been having relationships with men twice my age for over ten years now
and i don’t see much option
that is
we get older
and just keep doing the same shit
over and over and over and over
we move an inch, maybe an inch a year
yeah
but why try so hard
when
it’s gonna happen anyway?
sure
be in touch with the process
but fixate on it?
well, everyone needs something to live by.
Robert once told me there didn’t need to be a rush
we had all the time in the world
and it was, of course, just as i’d come to understand this myself
perhaps both of us have forgotten that understanding now
but i’m sure both of us remember having it
past epiphanies gone abstract…
Eli got angry at me in years past for fixating on my own growth, as i’m angry about now
for this very reason
: it’s vulgar and crass to make your live so base as to focus on the fundaments of living like that
have a REAL life
and work it out through that.
and what is a Real life?
being among the people
Friday-night Poker
Parish Meetings
creating art to share with a city, a world
real life includes all of us
the whole of the self.
not just little broken pieces
like being obsessed about sex.
now
i’m a pretty sexual guy
and it seems like i’ve been obsessed about sex since before i even hit puberty
always wanting to be naked and touching people
(not that i ever got to as a child, but i remember desiring to be naked with my parents, to sleep with them.. nothing sexual, but that un-adorned intimacy)
discovering my dad’s “playboy”s at age 8… or 6…
porn at 10
sex and 12
meeting people from the computer at 14
and it’s all slid away from there
when i’m up here on this mountain
no matter my intentions
i find myself getting stuck on the computer anywhere from 2 to 4 hours almost every time i log on
checking my email, yes
but my bear profiles
everywhere
cruising around
getting pictures
it all started here
after my ritual to put myself back into integrity..
i’d not been interested in porn from the age of 14 to 23
but the end of 2001
i would sit on the computer up here for near 16 hours (more?)
jacking off continually
web cam
bear profiles
etc etc
it was a mess
an incredible waste of energy
and i’ve ALWAYS been a computer addict
since i got one at age 10
since i got nintendo at age 8
BUT
once i could take it from the level of a video game
and actually dial-up a reality
(that is, cruise the video game, find a person, and then meet them in reality…)
it became even more addictive
all the cauldron work is still done alone
but the culmination involves some personality.
i’ve often wished i were celibate
i spent almost the entire year of my time in england (at age 17) being celibate
because i didn’t know how to access gay culture
and i was really wishing i could
perhaps
be straight
what i really wanted
i understand
was to have control over my sexuality
i realized
when i wasn’t masturbating like mad
or constantly having throw-away sex
i had so much more creative energy
i also constantly got messages
from the faries.. the voices in my head… my spirit guides… whatever
that every time i had sex like that
i was losing parts of myself
and now i feel like a debased wasted version of the potential i once had
sold myself to orgasm
the little death became a big one
now, i don’t want to be all terminalistic
but a lot of people notice i am being
i had a many subtle pleas not to fast until i disappeared
i’m not a hunger artist
but i don’t know what to eat in life right now that doesn’t make me angry: ill.
is this what AIDS feels like?
if anyone’s reading this that is working through that in a conscious way
tell me
because i know so many of you who seem to have such a strong desire to live against such adversity
and i just don’t understand it
so perhaps it has nothing to do with this…
but i have to include this paragraph because i was scared to write it.
it’s just my own type of depression
and what am i depressing?
i got angry at my dad for making me feel like i had to depress my love
i’m suppressing it all
and the steam is burning
the only thing getting out is my anger
frustration
what am i afraid of?
where is the festering sore?
i’m so near to loving, what’s keeping me?
”
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many ways i would like to break the spell
you’ve cast upon
me
coz all the time i’ve sacrificed myself
to make you want
me
has made you haunt
me
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
”
“the weight of my words” — Kings of Convenience
i remember that i view all relationships as a manifestation of a relationship with the self
because
of course
if you cannot be honest with yourself
you cannot be with anyone else
if you cannot love yourself
you cannot love another
and cannot receive…
“the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”