high on emptyness

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***WARNING: a very long rambling writing about fasting, bowels, and obsession with male sexuality. avoid reading this celebratory excretion if you’re easily offended***

bauf!

mercury goes direct
everything goes haywire
I’m in a mood
and kick my house guest out for two days
I need to concentrate
always highly sexualized
Sunday Exausts me
hung over from a party
and this way and that way
(and this way and that way)
stoned
meet up with my more italian Tony
to see a play that was a bit over done
and frustrating
but then, half through, the lead actor walks on and I’m mesmerized
entirely my ideal
66 and robust and beautiful
and in a toga!

I was craving a cigarette
very odd feeling for me
ice cream did not do the trick

I was in extasy
at home
I soak mung beans
sleep around 3 again
(the night before and before that was 5!)
in the morning
I wait til my apartment has just me in it
and set about finishing the book project
instead
organize my porn
(how did it get so disorganized!?)
my first laptop
I was always taking time to organize the data, as I didn’t really have a room to clean… it kinda felt to mr like I was organizing my thoughts…
like writing does

and I started replying to the "108" communications in "40" places
and all those 10,000 things…
I sent an email to an old friend
we spent most of this year hating eachother
but I invite him over
cook kitchari
we smoke out
and have hot gorilla sex for hours
record some of it on my cameras
moving from massage through frottage to fucking
I him
he I
argh!
that’s where I blow
he doesn’t
but often isn’t goal oriented on that

we eat
he heads on
I eat more
organize more
photos
music
click click
eat more
and sleep at 1 that night with fun dreams to wake up to
at 10
the house is empty
I make a bunch of calls
and lemon/lime water
and headed out to "the beach" to collect mugwort
fasting. no food.
though I intended noon
I got there at my typical, the 14th hour
I walked there
coz I knew I’d be bringing home bundles
and felt compelled to try going directly Over the hill instead of Around it as I usually do
it was very difficult
running over the freeways
unending cars that time of day
and the thick descent of the island into the water meant I had to scale down a 12 foot wall as well, tromp through weeds, poison ivy, sarsaparilla and other spiny things
jumping over rusty fences
crossing the train tracks
the last fence was crossed by balancing on a felled tree
I ended up not very deep on the path
and went directly to the water’s edge
a place I’d never been
the most obvious pieces of buildings I had ever seen…

I’ve made very few smudge sticks in my life
so I was experimenting.
braiding some
layering the tip to end
long pieces
short pieces
thick and thin
… I made quite the variety
all the while moving through the thickets
listening to music
then talking to Denny
then meeting a very hot man who I had a lovely foray with
which also challenged and upended me

I felt like I was stoned, though I’d smoked nothing and eaten nothing

I’m officially getting stoned a lot again
it’s been a long time
the main difference is
now I primarily do it for walking and exploring
secondarily for sex
and rarely for watching tv with friends (how I started)
I cook with it more than smoke it
either way I do very little
sometimes do little I barely perceive it
it functions to balance me at that dose
instead if stupify me

but this was the beginning of my fast
this strenuous day
and I felt pretty high out there in the sun
with the beautiful plants
and the beautiful man..

when I was alone again
tying bundles on my own
a queeny Asian canadian followed mr around a while
and I was not interested
which he picked up on
but while I was working I noticed him jacking off watching me
which i know is classical creepy pervert behavior
but I just felt bad for him
and finished what I was doing
(also I didn’t want all my work colored by that)
I walked up to him and put my arms around him from behind and held his balls
trying to make him feel grounded and present
but he wanted to suck my dick
cigaret breath
I wouldn’t let him kiss me
but let him do other things
standing there wondering
why?
why try to do sexual healing with vacant vampires?
I stopped him when he started rubbing his butt against my dick
I said NO
he said, oh- I don’t want you to fuck me
repeatedly
but kept pulling my dick towards his hole
then said
but I have some lube
at that point I just turned to walk away
but he said
ok ok, I’m coming
and shot his pathetic orgasm
then asked me to cum
I’m Fasting
I said. No.

I did it just as much to get rid of him
i cleansed myself with the mugwort right there
then got back to work

and kept hearing a loud bell
a singing bowl?

I got up and walked a bit
a woman!
rare to see in these parts
but it was nearing sunset
she was banging the bowl vigorously
and shouting at the river gruffly…

so angry
it made me sad
her angry fierce spirituality

I thought to offer her a smudge stick
but thought it best not to bother her ritual
as she wasn’t bothering me…

I watched the sun set before I ran out of cord
I folded cedar and Mullen into some of the sticks…

I headed out
another skittish perfunctory disconnect with a Latin guy
so strange after the great connection I’d had earlier today
this part of the forest certainly attracts different guys.. perhaps because it’s closer and easier.
ugh, I kinda loathe the people who always take the easy way..
ummm, I kept leaving
talked with a man on the road out
but really saw I was short of time

home
shower
mmmmbrbbdl
train
missed my stop
(writing the email about lying)
went to class and worked on my knife
i felt it well
it was very strenuous in my fasting state
I took breaks
made lemonade
finished early
and sat and talked
rubbed my friends bodies to calm and integrate them
sorted through bamboo for gifts for a Creek man
the bits we cut off were gifts to me and the russian girl

I felt like I wanted to stay that night
I didn’t ask
but felt ousted
stayed til 1
watched them eat and everything!
when I left
cops stopped me in the park
told mr I couldn’t walk through it coz it was closesed
at 1!

I asked for a ride across the park
they didn’t

so I walked down to 86th
bought a new metrocard
and caught the cross town perfect anyway
fine
ok

I didn’t get to sleep til after 3
like now
writing this at 3:20 (started it on the train home…)(now in the morning on the train again)
my legs were so sore from the vigorous day and lack of intake…

spending a day not eating anything, I’d just had lemon/lime water, tea and a glass of pond scum (mmm, super greens) I woke up super hydrated just a bit before 7am
so after emptying
i went to the kitchen to mix up a Salt Water Flush
just like in the Master Cleanse days
I forced it down
and got back in bed
set my alarm
dozed and massaged my belly
did a shoulder stand
then completely emptied my body
which I haven’t done for three years

I wanted that for my intentions of going to Spa Castle
to use that belly massage jet with completely empty guts

I did 45 minutes of yoga, mostly the standing cycle
which is so good at detox of the digestion
that made me high to start with

tea and pond scum
and a fresh juice of Carrot, Beet, Ginger and Lemon, which was divine
then off to the DMV
which was crazy packed
huge lines
I waited in one
then another
only to be given frustration
(which I’ve recounted elsewhere and is tedious anyway)
but made me feel that hopeless powerless rage that I remember from being a teenager and have felt rarely since then

I got back on the street
waiting in hold with the California DMV
moving along the sidewalk as the sun disappeared
I’d been in there 3 hours
and was just meeting more beurocratic insanity

I was frazzled
needed some sustenance
and in my searching for a juice place on Yelp i discovered a nearby school for integrative nutrition
and was surprised how much my body resonated with the idea of studying there
as I’ve been thinking of going back to school and wondering how I would do that
this may be it…

a calling in the wake
but no juice
I went underground instead
argh
F to 14 L to Morgan
got out and felt like I was in Oakland with subways
what the hell?
this long flat warehouse district
East Williamsburg
I felt the vibrancy of creativity and potential in the air
but the buildings and layout were so ugly
which didn’t matter much
I was enjoying every movement I made

this writing was supposed to be about the joys of being empty
instead I’m giving all the details
long long long, but haven’t in a while
so chew

anyway (now Friday, on the train)
I arrived at the photo shoot just on time, really
took off my clothes and put on an apron and synched my belt over it
it was fun
but, oddly
I felt "old"… elder at least. cute kids. it was odd. when I saw the pictures later i looked like I stood out. to me at least…

I felt abstract.
floating outside everything
the abandoned looking buildings near by
and this beautiful communal work shop
I imagined living in brooklyn close enough to ride my bike here
but far enough away to not be around this architecture…

I was feeling burnt
seriously needed nutrients
but it was an hour and a half later before I got it
probiotic smoothy at Red Mango in Flushing
then waited around in the parking lot for the shuttle
flirting with a fat guy in an oversized SUV who kept staring at me because of how odd I look
his wife kame, they left
some kid may have flirted with me
it seemed…
I got in the van and arrived and floated through and through and into the water
uhhhhhhhh
the dairy heavy and thick in my body
mmmmmm men heavy and thick moving around me
uhhhh
and when I warmed up and rested
acclimated and recharged I went to the belly massage
the gigantic chrome phallus we worship at there
my belly wasn’t ready yet
and I wasn’t horny yet
I used the jets on my hips and thighs
my calves
cute Greek daddy smiled and me looking down to his crotch
brazilian man sticking his toenail against my asshole
I went to sit next to the daddy
and chatted for quite a while

all these conversations I’ve been having lately about slavery and society
in history
it’s always been a few people with power manipulating the greater populace for their desires
I’ve aimed to avoid my slavery by imagining myself a creator of the nature of reality outside of the human story
but I’m just a slave
fortunately my task is about communicating details of reality organization through words, images and body
sex, yoga, massage
I’m content with my lot
but am still aiming for my godhood
or annihilation into the light or dark, that’s fine too

I had to cool down
and here I felt the tight of the cool
my belly pulling in
locking energy
mmmmm

I saw very sexy Slavic men getting into the blue102° pool and went to join them
the grey haired man
I felt for him with my feet
he acquiesced
we danced
the fatter one left
I moved into opposition to the grey
our soles touched
we moved closer
his feet gripping my shaft
and my energy reaching into him
feeling him flow in me
we reversed
I grabbed his with feet
again, resonating with his heat and strength
shining into him with appreciation and desire
his face became very open
he welcomed me closer
I almost sat on his lap
held chest to chest
but realized it inappropriate for that local
snapped out if the spell
and sat next to him

he grabbed my hand and put it on his cock
nodded and smiled at me with pride
I held it a while
enjoying the feeling
exploring its strength
then used my other hand to have him grip mr
he opened his eyes and said "that’s good! very strong! how many children do you have? your wife must be happy"
I told him I had none
"a girl friend?"
no
"why?"
I like men
. he looked at mr with disapproval and shook his head, withdrawing
sat up on the step
and after a moment
asked
"what do you do for work?"
massage
"oh, then massage me"
and he sat back down in the pool
I sat on the step, putting my legs around him
gently touching his neck
giving it a good hard squeez and exploration
to assure him I was attentive
then felt the first strand and traced it with my pads
feeling them
feeling me
they opened
feeling opening
they opened
i applied pressure
explored
felt
waited…

so tight

sex
what do I want of his sex?

at the photo shoot
the girl I was standing with told me she list her virginity to a special effects props maker
and when he left her
she kept his books
and was making a special set of wigs for a boy who was cutting his long hair off
a wig maker’s lace
the assumption she made resonated strong in me
which kicked up my most common insecurity:
thinking I might understand something about reality
and another person validating my understanding
filling me with glee
then doubt: maybe everyone understands this and always has and I’m retarded and a fool to have figured it out so late in the game
but I tangented the conversation to affirming:
when you have sex with someone you take on their essence
even if just a bit
she countered: so you must be careful who you have sex with, coz
and I said
well, digestion
you are what you eat
but you’re not a fucking carrot
you’re not even orange
you assimilate what you need
and release the rest
ah, she says, but you have to learn how to release
I said: potty training, I still think about shitting, but it’s not a challenge, just an engagement

so what did I want from him
why was I seducing him?
living him?
caressing him?
adoring him?

hunter…
the fruits of the forest
pick all the ripe berries as I wander through the grove
enough for today
onto the next bush
tomorrow
next week
next year
they will have sweet fruits again

he was done
I got what I could get
he moved to leave
thanked me
I shook his hand and told him my name
he thanked me again and left

ok

ok.

I looked around hungrily
and decided to chill out
my eyes were hungry
I went into the cold
I went into the steam
I went under the coldest shower
into the hottest pool
shower. pool. shower. ok.

I put on the little suit and grabbed my phone
went upstairs
and saw an option at the juice bar I’d never seen: fermented rice drink
bet it’s probiotic…
so I got it and went onto the roof pool area to
what?
emails or some communication obsession
the drink was far too sweet for my fasting state and had grains of rice filling the bottom quarter of the cup
it was a nice sky and fresh air
but a bit too cold
I went back down stairs to sit in one of the comfy massage chairs;
Word: them chairs ain’t comfy.
but I got lost in scuff.Facebook.email for an hour
then dropped off the phone in the locker
(oh, this was my first time at spa castle without friends, I just wanted to go at my own pace)
went back up
and lay in the clay sauna a long time
sweating more than I’d ever sweat there
doing twists and bridge and shoulder stand
massaging my belly
and a great forward bend
then went out and noticed they were throwing out all the food from the buffet!
I was hoping to break my fast tonight on those leafy greens!
I was sad and disappointed
but grateful
because I’ve broken fasts in buffets before and it’s always been a mistake
but it was already 10pm
so I became aware of Time
I spent some time in Jade and Salt saunas
found it was much easier to take the heat in my empty state
no need for cool down
the heat dissipated as soon as I left the room…
I went back to the water
there was the adorable short fat jewish guy i had stared at
he looked like an ewok
nom nom nom

I rolled around in the bubbles of the light blue102°
then went back to worship at the Phallus Column
and started doing yoga abdomen cleansing
emptying
pulling it against the spine
feeling the jets hammer at my belly
closer
further
deeper, gentler

the last few times I’ve come here I’ve had marijuana in my body
just a little, as I said, mostly through eating
and marijuana gives me more faith and concentration to follow my imagination behind the surfaces of reality
i have sat in this very pool
where that sexy older man is laying in the lounge
and felt reiki flow through mr
through all the water
into everyone in the room
in the building
in the city
Today
in the emptiness
I was naturally high
from detox or delight
and alone now with the column
it wasn’t so much about healing everyone else as it was myself
I worked my abdomen from many angles
and kept catching my dick in the jet stream
it’s easy to innocently do
how I discovered this the first time I was here
and in my meditative state with closed eyes
letting my biology guide me
the jets were hitting the highest concentration of pleasure receptors
so I lingered… swiveling my hips in gentle rotation, pleasure easing through my body
until I realized I had only a short time before the place closed and wanted to do more healing work
so got back to massaging the belly, thighs, lymph, chest, throat
I was moaning audibly
loving this self loving
the sexy older man moved over towards me submerged, enjoyed a moment at the far reach of the jet then stood up
turned and looked at me
while I scanned his beefy furry grey aged body with appreciation and not little desire
to meet with his eyes
where he acknowledged me with a sigh and nod and left the pool
I succumbed to the jet on my cock and hit the perfect flow and let it go
not hard
but almost cumming, whoa!
no no no
not even stiff!
well…
I settled back into the energy of healing
but quickly pulled back into sex…

did I mention earlier
talking with the Greek
lying sideways in the water
jets on my belly
legs wrapped around the brazilian
equatorial stroking my dick, my hand on his?
this Column is an altar for dick
hours of lust have been generated here
this water filled with ejaculate
and yearning, grasping, desire
Lust, XIII, is also called Strength
so I thought
let’s go with healing
emptiness
let’s go with what’s here
at this sacred shrine
let’s soak up the offerings of orgasm here
and pulled my belly in
drawing up from my root
letting the jets pound on my sphincter, my perineum, my second chakra
three jets
body held at the proper angle
perfect fit
legs up and open
feet pressing into the chrome
pulling it all into me
all the time
all the imagining
the essence of all those men
not their lowliness, lies, confusions
but their pride and power
drawing it into my emptiness
writhing in that ecstasy not meant for only one man
perhaps suitable for a god…

I stretched, bent back
opened my heart
made my prayers for the greatest good
and felt complete
gave thanks
and drew the energy out of my cock, even my own sexual energy
put it all into my core
and walked over to the cooling pool

then the hot108°
pulling the belly in tight tight tight
almost hurt
amazingly moving
cold shower
hot
cold
steam
shower
hot
cold shower
and good
done
good
yeah

I finished
got dressed
and a frum guy I see there often who plays very modest was sleeping next to my locker
I could not help myself
but to snap a picture of that

and checked out
caught the shuttle
clicking obsessively through my phone
looking for thighs to lay between
or a place I could get food still open
nah
walking to the subway I was shocked to see Red Mango still open past 11 on a Wednesday
and ordered, this time, a 4berry smoothy with probiotics, protein, multivitamin and immunity
yeah
I sipped slowly
to chew up all the raspberry seeds
checking scruff while the 7 train was above ground…
but when I hit Ely I switched to writing about what just happened
but just got there
to this
now
at 5:51 Saturday morning
after dancing with of Montreal
and talking with J, G & M for hours
bababababababa

and today I ate my first solid food since Monday!
and had my hair blown out straight for the first time
and felt sexy and full of joy
and met a sexy Syrian
and felt in love with everything

I’m grateful
and if you’ve read this
I hope you are too

.iP